Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Let It Rain


Tonight’s post is an outpour.... an indecisive set of emotions, heart wrenching fear, tragic passion.  
I know I’m choosing to go through this process publicly, however, I don’t really know what to say... 
I value you reading this, because then it’s like you’re going through it with me, sorry about that.  Hopefully you’re not nearly as exhausted as I am. 
I found out my ex-husband is engaged. 
.....
Nope. Not only is he dating someone else, he has found “the one” he wants to join his hand in marriage with.  
We got divorced on September 26th, 2011.  72 days ago.  
We separated on March 10th, 2011.  272 days ago.
We were together for 8 years. That’s roughly 2920 days.
nearly THREE THOUSAND DAYS spent loving one another, getting to know one another, working through things, creating lives with each other.
....but it takes him less than 72 days to decide he’s moved on?  It makes absolutely no sense to me.
I couldn’t even think of dating anyone else.... I’m still recovering from him. clearly.
The first guy I thought was maybe perhaps a possibility broke my heart this past weekend.... told me he didn’t mean to lead me on... bullshit.  Of course, figures that the first guy I open myself up to even a little bit is the first to also disregard my heart.  But anyway... I wasn’t even  looking for a relationship... just looking for someone to share pieces of my life with.  MILES away from engagement.  what the eff is that? Marriage scares the hell out of me.  But not him, I guess.
This is way harder than I thought it would ever be...
It kills my ego. I’m told I have great qualities... and to be honest, I know I’m a great person.  I have pretty tremendous confidence, sometimes too much *I talk like this cuz I can back it up* (Oh Beyonce) but even so, it doesn’t mean my heart is incapable of being broken.  He couldn’t fight for the woman he spend nearly three thousands days with, yet he can decide he wants to give it a shot with someone he has had less than a year to get to know!? WTF!? 
All things end. With good reason.  But it still bothers me.   


Why does he get to be happy?  Granted, I am happier now than I ever was with him... but I'm happy by myself.  How can he find happiness with someone else so fast?  Someone explain this to me.  I.just.don't.get.it. 
This is not all rainbows and sunshine.
It hurts so bad.
The day I got divorced, I threw myself a party.... it was an incredible party at that.  So what do I do today?  Today’s the day I’m truly supposed to be over it.  I mean, I want him to be happy.  I’m glad he’s found someone else.  Maybe I’m jealous?  Yeah, I guess that’s part of it.  I’m envious of the fact that he can move on so fast with someone else, yet I can’t even think of holding another dude’s hand without feeling nauseous.  When you open yourself up to someone, you allow yourself to being susceptible to heartbreak.  And it happens, as I understand and have experienced. .... and based on my experience, all people suck.  They just want to use you and abuse you.  I know, I’m a scored woman, so my opinion of men doesn’t really matter.  But show me a good man and I’ll show you a good woman who can love him.... or at least try.    
I’m afraid I’m not very articulate tonight.  To be honest, I haven’t cried this much in months.  I feel betrayed.  Why?  We aren’t together.  I guess it’s about respect.  8 effing years.... and he’s already engaged in 8 months from our separation.  Wow.  It cuts deep.  
My heart is so heavy. It’s been through so much.  I’ve probably lost a whole 5 years of my life based on the trauma I’ve put my heart through the last 9 months.  
As I’ve mentioned 13350493 times now, I have incredible people in my life.  My best friend called and another stopped by (unannounced) the second they found out.  They serve as reminders that there are a few decent people out there that have my best interest in mind.
Clearly it wasn’t meant to be for he and I.  I’m okay with that.  No, I’m more than okay with that.  He’s “happy” and I know someday I will be too.  It definitely won’t be in 8 months, but hey, there’s no real timeframe or time limit (as he’s so arrogantly demonstrated).  I’ll get my chance.  I’ll find a big beefy man who loves me for me.  Who treats me like the queen I am.  Someone who isn’t afraid of my personality.  Someone who can hold their own, but who isn’t afraid of my accomplishments, dreams, or determination.  A man who can hold my hand but who can also stand up for me.  This man exists.  Someday.  
But until then, I’ll just curl up in my bed and wallow.  Leave me the hell alone.  I’m allowed to wallow.  By tomorrow I’ll be back to Miss Independent status... let me feel weak for a moment.  I am human after all.  

Monday, November 28, 2011

Thank You...


Thursday was Thanksgiving.... the first major holiday since the divorce.  I thought it would be just fine, but I gave in and got a little sad.  This time last year, I was in New York City, in the heart of Manhattan, watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  My best friend and parents drove down to spend the holiday with me and J.  We went to J’s aunt’s house where about 25 people were gathered.  I used to work for J’s uncle.  He and I not only rode into the city together every day, but we also shared an office.  That meant for a LOT of quality time spent together.  We grew really close.  He was like a surrogate father and mentor in both business and life.  He’s the one that encouraged me to pursue consulting with other companies for strategic communications and social media.  Needless to say, spending the holidays with that family was a joy.  It was the best thanksgiving I had ever had by far.  I loved that family.  Truth being, I still do.  Of course I miss them.  I genuinely hope they’re doing well and that the business flourishes. 
Naturally, this thanksgiving was a little depressing to me.  The thought of going and spending the holidays with my family was so sad.  J was always there.  ALWAYS.  Even when I didn’t want him to be.  He was a little creeper.  Just popping up out of no where.  Sometimes, I miss that.  Even more so, I wonder why I miss him at all if this was my decision.   I was the one that made the decision to leave.  I’m the one that packed up my car and left with only clothes and memories....leaving behind all the things that defined my success to that point.  It was me.  Not him.  So why do I miss him, especially during the holidays that typically turned into a big fight about something stupid?  Because I’m human.  I know.  I hate humans.  Ugghh.  So many feeeeelings.  But the truth is, he was a part of my life for so long, important days, like holidays, revolved around time spent not only with one another, but also with each other’s families.  We tend to forget that when a couple gets divorced, it is the separation of two families.  And although relationships can be maintained regardless of the divorce, we all know that it will never be the same.  So, as Thanksgiving got closer, I realized I needed to do something different so as to avoid holiday heartbreak.
This year, I spent it with my best friend and her family.  It was a small gathering of only a few of us, but it couldn’t have been more perfect.  The laughter, conversations, and fooooooood... oh boyyyy.  It was perfect.  And while I was sitting there, enjoying my third helping of sweet potatoes (HOLY DELICIOUSNESSSSS), I got to thinking.... I am the luckiest girl in the world.  Now this is the part I know you’re all waiting for.... but I want to share the joys of my life.  I share the heartbreak a lot, so I figured I’d share the joy as well.  I know I’ve done a THANK YOU style post before, however... this one is a little different.  There’s some serious name dropping going on.  If you don’t want to be in this post, I’m sorry... but we’re friends for frig sake. of course you’d make it into one of these.  
  
First and foremost..... my family.   
Madre- the most beautiful woman I know.  You’re the strongest, most interesting person in the world.  I mean that with love, of course.  I know you worry about me and as twisted as it sounds, I’m thankful for that.  You’re a great mom.  I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world, not even Janet Jackson ;).  BOBDOW- the most incredible step padre a native girl could ask for.  I know I never appreciated you at first, but as I’ve grown and matured, I genuinely credit you for saving our lives.  You’re an amazing husband to mom and a great father to all of us.  But please remember, we’re all crazy because of you.  Just sayin.  Krista- I know we haven’t been close in recent years, but I look up to you a lot.  You take risks and aren’t afraid of anything.... very admirable.  Beej- oh Beej, you’re fantastic.  Thank you for tolerating me and all my craziness throughout the years.  You know I keep things interesting... just admit it.  Meg- You’re a beautiful soul.  Thank you for cultivating my niece, who is the perfect child.  Glow- we have our ups and downs, but at the end of the day, I think we have a mutual understanding.  I love you and I’m glad you’ve found what you’ve been looking for.  Donnie- my biggest little brother. I’m so proud of you. I love your quirkiness.  Alora- Thank you for loving my brother so genuinely.  You’re proof that love gives second chances.  Dad- you’re the best man I know.  I love you more than you’ll ever know or understand.  Nat- you’re an amazing figure in the boys’ lives.  I’m so thankful that they have you (and me too ;)).  Thomas- I love our car rides, jamming out to Taio Cruz and you tolerating me singing at the top of my lungs.  I’m proud of you boy.  Keep your head in the game and you’ll go far.  Al- everyone’s favorite little brother.  What can I say?  You are picked right out of Dad’s butt, so you pretty much make me laugh all day long whenever I’m around.  I love my family.  As dysfunctional we all are, I wouldn’t change a thing.  
Secondly... Roomies <3
Becca- You know me better than anyone else...almost too well....  You have done so much for me that I honestly don’t know where I’d be without you (well, homeless for one...hahha).  I’m so glad that we met that first day on freshman orientation and that we both had psycho roommates.  Best decision ever.   And I’m so glad that we’ve been reunited and that everything has worked out so well.  It just feels so natural.  
Phyllis- Well, Doc, you help me see life in a completely different light.  I love making fun of people with you, accompanied by our long philosophical conversations and our therapy sessions.  But most of all, I love that you make my best friend so happy.  You’re a great dude.  Y’all make me believe in love <3
Next.... the besties!
Cassandra- you’re one of my kind. I do not know a single person that is more like me than you.... which means you’re pretty awesome.  BAHA. I’m hilarious.  Which means you are too. hahha. Oh, I kill me.  But for real, you’re phenomenal. By far the most beautiful person I know. I love your laugh, your optimism, your authenticity, and your killer dance moves.  We’ve been through so much together.  I’m so glad we experienced heartbreak at the exact same time, as sick and twisted as that may seem.  TRIFECTA <3
Kyle- BFF. You’re amazing. You know me so well. I don’t even have to talk and you just get it. I am sooooo thankful you entered my life.  
Megan- You’re such a great person.  Our relationship may have changed, but you know I still love you.  I’m happy you’re still in my life.
Biggie- Imagine if I never moved to Belfast?  Our lives would be soooo empty! The memories we’ve made.... including Jackson, shaggy boys, Pauly D, crazy boys.... more boys. Hahaha. Big. We get into trouble together, but I love it.  Including Julio Jr.  Kamikazes.  BAM. I miss you.
Work Friends!
Alexa- My little highlighter.  You’re such a beautiful person, inside and out.  You literally are one of the kindest women I know.  I’m glad you were stuck in Maine all summer.  Can’t wait to get crazy together again :)
Stephen J Smith- my favorite neighbor.  Our shared love of music is what I like most about you.  That and the fact that you’re half asian.  You know how much I love bok choy.  :)
Matthew- bake me a pecan pie, please.  Just kiddddding. I am trying lose weight, not gain more from your incredible cooking skills.  Anyway...you’re a very inspirational person.  I haven’t met anyone else who enjoys life as much as you.  You’re awesome.  I’m so glad to know you.  
Val- My soul sister.  You inspire me to be a better person.  We are so similar that it sometimes scares me. hahhaha. Can’t wait to run our half marathon in March... maybe March 2013? hahaha. 
Linda- HE’S MARRIED!!!! Probably the funniest woman in the world!  If I’m ever having a rough day, all I have to do is hear your laugh and it brightens my mood.  
Carol- If I am half the woman/mother/friend you are, I know I will be doing well for myself.  You’re incredible.  
Eben- You’re one of my favoritestestestest.  Let’s play spoons again soon :)
Ed- my voice of reason. you’re a cool dude.  Glad I screwed up all my CCP machines at first or else we’d have no reason to communicate. 
Art- My bocci partner.  Told you that you’d make it to a blog post.  Thanks for tuning in and for keeping life interesting and always keeping an eye on the HD for me ;) 
Shellie- SHELL.... my booty wouldn’t be the same without you. HA.  You’re fantastic. We  need to love on one another more often.  I miss our lunch dates.  
Risely- You really helped to provide insight into the big D that is absolutely invaluable.  I’m thankful for your friendship.  
Courtney- hilarious girl! You make life so interesting! I LOVE your stories and your faces.  You crack me right up!
Old Friends!
New York Friends- Shundiin and Serena. Beautiful, smart girls.  You inspired me to make the best decision of my life.  I owe it all to your encouragement and promotion of faith and strength.  
Sierra- Daughter. My crazy, wild, daughter.  It’s been quite the ride. Lots of interesting moments shared. hahhahha. whoops.  
Hometown friends- Morgan, Katie, Hala, Saben, Jason; downeast lovin.  So glad we’ve kept in touch.  Life wouldn’t be the same without you.  
Small, Tiffanie, Ashley, Morgan- my Portland girls.  Y’all know how to have a good time.  So glad we’ve been able to maintain a mutual love and respect for one another.  Sisterhood forever.  
Old School Friends- Sarah Rose and Faith- I love you girls so much. It's amazing to me that we've known each other since we were fetuses yet we still love one another.  My life would literally be a completely different story if y'all weren't in it.  You and your families changed me.  Sorry I didn't mention it the first time, but know that I have so much love in my heart for you.  I miss you. 
Nana and Papa- You saved my life. You are the relationship I model how I want my next marriage to be after (if there is one, of course).  You taught me how to survive, appreciate, but most importantly, how to love.  
Toya- My girl. You know I love you. I'm your little pimento.  You're a gorgeous woman who I admire greatly.  Cannot express how much I miss you. 
Ann- My favorite.  I aspire to be like you.  Ever since college where you scared the hell out of me, I know you had the kind of guts that I needed in order to survive in this market.  I'm glad we've gotten our chance to exchange story ideas.  We NEED to get back on track! I'm planning on getting famous, I don't know about you... ;)
Thennnn.... new friends!
Monica- Get it girrrrrl. You are phenomenal.  The best dance partner I’ve ever had.  So glad I got to meet you and facebook stalk you a bit. hahahaha. It’s allllll goooooood.  Let’s make some memories together. 
Ike- what can I say? We’re the same person.  Except I’m brown and you’re Irish.  I’ve enjoyed the opportunity to get to know you better the last few months.  Wish we had more time, but it is what it is.  Our shared love of ridiculous videos and consuela is what makes me smile more than anything else in this world.  We’ll have our chance, I’m sure, guap.  
Lionel- quit playing games, amigo. You know you’re my s’more.  hahahhaaha.  Get your snowsuit ready.  I’m requesting a one piece.
So, I know I probably hurt some feelings by not including people in this post, but honestly, I cannot include every single person I know in this post.  I have like 1,200 facebook friends, I’m not including y’all in on this. Sorry. 
Now I think about what my life would be like if I hadn’t of moved back to Maine, I may never have gotten a chance to get to know a new family member, Joey.... or meet my perfect niece, Mackie <3  I would have never met my incredible Athena family nor would I have taken the time to get to know myself in such an intimate way.  Sounds kinky.  But anyway.... I have so much to be thankful for this season, so I figured I’d share that love with y’all.  And just when I start to doubt myself or my decisions... I think to myself... I left that life for a reason.  And looking back on all of the above memories and/or people I’ve met the last 9 months, I wouldn’t change a thing.  
Tis the season.  Amidst all this holiday chaos... shopping, cooking, cleaning.... I hope you find some time to reflect on the beauty of this season.  And say thanks to those that have deeply affected your life, because the truth is, you wouldn’t be who you are without their influence... good or bad ; )

Monday, November 14, 2011

How to Love


WARNING....this one is alllllll over the place. I refuse to organize it too. Lazy, I know. ...  
I don’t know what’s going on with me today.  I feel changes in my heart that I haven’t felt before.  It’s all pretty insane.  But this whole process is pretty crazy.  I feel as though I’m entering a new phase of recovery.  But before I get into that...
Let’s recap:
  
Adjustment Phase: adjusting to being single, but still feeling married.  Awkward.  Uncertain. Curious. Feeling liberated, but not fully free.  The country music phase.  Taylor Swift, you sure as hell can’t sing, but damn...your song writing skills are spot on.  
Mourning Phase: once it finally sinks in that this is happening... mourning the loss of the relationship.  Intense pain. Pain so thick that it lingers on every word, on every thought, on every feeling... I also refer to this as the Adele phase.  
Angry Phase: why didn’t he fight for it? Am I not worth more than that?  Sense of betrayal.  Embarrassed.  Also known as the Three Days Grace phase.  
Miss Independent Phase: a natural transition- “flip him off” kind of emotions. liberation. Doing everything that couldn’t be done before. testing the waters.  Keri Hilson phase.  
Discovery Phase: learning about self. discovering new wonders and joys as a solo human. gaining confidence. feeling strength commence. learning its okay to be single.  Ray LaMontagne.     
....For the last couple months, I’ve been in Discovery.  And although parts of the discovery will continue within this next phase, I’m starting to move on.  How do I know?  I woke up the other morning and realized a lot about myself.  For the first time since March, I’m content.  I am reflective, yet forward thinking.  I’m finally able to open myself up.... not a lot, but just enough...   
You want the truth?  I’m not afraid to fall in love.  I know love can be beautiful if it is shared between two individuals who maintain mutual respect and adoration.  But it’s rare.  
I don’t want to get hurt.
Getting hurt is what I’m afraid of.
And the more I put myself out there, the more likely I am to get hurt.  
The last one I allowed in that deep did a lot of damage.  But HEY.... that’s the reason it’s over, isn’t it?  Not every man is like him.  I have to remind myself of that everyday.     
But I love a challenge... and I can’t allow myself to fall back.  Putting myself out there is the ONLY way I’ll be able to take the next steps in life.  And if it turns out the way it’s been projected.... it’s going to be a beautiful life.       
I know I think too much.  I try real hard to tell my brain to shut upppp, but it's rebellious.  
Everyone has their own perception of how long it takes to move on after the dissolution of a relationship.  I’ve heard it all.  Some say it takes a couple months, others say it takes a bit longer, while some believe it could take years.  Well, I’m not really interested in what works for other people.  Clearly, we’re not all the same.  There is no “Break Up Guide” that fits every situation.  Every relationship is different.  Because we’re all different.  If you move from one relationship to another, that’s fine.  Is it recommended?  Probably not.  But hell, who cares? As long as it works for YOU, go for it.  That hasn’t been my angle, but I’d never discredit what has worked for others.  What I’m trying to say is... I think this is my time.  Will I be getting married next month? ....and you can quote me on this... HELL EFFIN NO.  But it does mean I’m willing to put myself out there.  Not for someone who doesn’t have the time or who wants to play the field for a while and keep me on the sidelines while he figures it out.  Eff that.  I’m special.  You’re special.  We’re all special.  And we deserve to be treated like that.  
If you’re scared too, let’s be scared together.  Because two scared people hanging out sounds like a lot of fun..... uhhh.... yup.  But really, know that you’re not alone.  It’s a big, crazy world out there.  It’s cold.  It’s dark.  It’s lonely.  But being lonely doesn’t mean that you’re alone.  I get it.  ALL TOO WELL, TRUST.  I have tasted more tears the last 8 months than I’m willing to admit, so I get it.  
I’ve been hurt. No... that’s not even it.  My heart has been destroyed.  My whole life, every thing... my view of men, women, and just other humans in general has been so deeply tarnished, I doubt I’ll ever let anyone in like I used to.  Sounds awful, I know, but to me, it’s a good thing.  The less people you let in, the less people you’ll allow to hurt you.  And plus, there are a lot of shitty people in this world... no need to waste your time.   
The song by Lil Wayne “How to Love” was written for me.... and you too, I imagine.  
Follow this YouTube link.. I tried to embed it, but evidently Blogger doesn't like that.  So just copy and paste... sowwyyyyy....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Gf4-eT3w0&ob=av2e 
My favorite part of the song is this...
“See, You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t ever figure out
How to love, how to love
You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in a corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love
See, I just want you to know that you deserve the best, You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
Yea, and I want you to know
You’re far from the usual, far from the usual”
You deserve happiness.  I don’t care what you’ve done.  I don’t care where you’ve been or what you’ve seen.  It doesn’t matter who you’re family is, if you’re affluent or struggling, nor does it matter how many times you’ve had your heart broken.  What matters is who you are.  Are you a good person?  Do you live your life with truth and respect?  Are you humble and compassionate?  Be true to yourself.  You’re beautiful.  Far from the usual.  Weezy knows it, baby.  If you don’t believe me, watch that video again.  Appreciate your life.  Take risks.  If you meet a truly amazing person, allow yourself to fall in love.  If your heart gets broken, you’ll be okay.  I swear.  It’s scary... but it’s worth it.  Now watch me take my own advice and go out on a limb.  Even if the limb breaks, it’s going to be a wild ride.  Just wait.  

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Boyfriends Update


Someone told me that my blog posts werent juicy enough lately.... guess being content doesn’t make for a lot of meaty, juicy, bloody steak.  Well... I think I conjured up some meat.
***Boyfriends Update***
If you haven’t read the “Boyfriends” post, you need to go read it before this one will make sense.  
So, are you curious of the status of these classy dudes?  I know I am!  So, two months (almost to the day) after the first post comes an inside look at my list of losers.  
Diego: As I mentioned, nothing was going on with this dude as of two months ago.  We tried to stay friends, but it just didn’t work.  There’s just something about someone that cheats that makes you question their intent and honesty (who woulda thought).  Anyway... he kept popping up on facebook, trying to chat.  He’d ask to skype when his girl wasn’t home, but I just wasn’t having it.  And one day, he popped up when I had just gotten bad news completely unrelated and I just laid into him.  Needless to say, Diego and I are officially no longer speaking.  Sorry, no one likes to be used, asshole.  Find some other hoe to play games with.  Not interested.
Cam: Well... I hadn’t heard from him since early September... then BAM! Last night, this dude reappears! It’s like he KNEW I was planning on writing this post.  Well, anyway... to make a long story short, he pretty much confessed his love. again. OH BOYYYY.... GIVE ME A FRIGGIN BREAK.  Then this guy tells me he feels like he missed his chance.  Oh Really?  Ya think?  Agghhhh. Even though all of our communication was via facebook message, he would not lay off.  Tried to make me feel guilty AGAIN for being the person I am.  I’m not a push over.  I refuse to change myself for anyone.  No. Not again.  Anyway... I blocked him.  I changed my cell phone number.  I moved.  Now once I’m able to remove the chip he more than likely installed into my skin, I’ll be completely free of Cam.  Good riddance.  What a waste of time.
Derek: This was the tough one.  I actually wrote that post like the day AFTER Derek and I had our conversation about ending our little fling.  So, I was a little fired up.  Two months later, where are Derek and I?  Well, I think things are all good, for the most part.  Are we as good of friends as we used to be?  No, but it’s all good.  And what about him and that girl?  I guess they’re dating now???  Hmm. Weird.  Slightly awkward.... but it gets less awkward everyday.  I genuinely wish them the best.  To be honest, I feel like I dodged a bullet... no offense, Derek, but we would have made an AWFUL couple.  We are just WAYYYYY too different.  It would have been like an lioness dating a emu.  I’d eat you.  Just sayin’...
So.... two months have passed....so there is another one. I know, I know.  But I’m single, give me a break.
Brad: a guy I’ve been in communication with since March... we’ve hung out like once or twice.  He looks like a movie star.  I want to eat him (in a more pleasant way than the emu).  He’s delicious.  He’s extremely talented too.  Pretty much the whole package.  We get along really well.  He lives out of state, but he comes back to Maine every once in a while.  Well, every single friggin time he comes home (his family is in Maine), he texts and tells me he’s coming and wants to get together.  Well guess what?  It NEVER happens.  Every single friggin time.  He plays games.  I’m not into games.  Why go out of your way to tell me every single friggin time, then not even make an effort?! AHHHH. It’s ridiculous.  Well, he was here a couple weeks ago.  He told me he was here.  I did not make an effort.  I’m over it.  My roommates hate him.  BRAD is a swear word in our house.  
As mentioned in the first boyfriend post, this list is not conclusive.  I have had a couple experiences with nice guys that I’ve maintained pretty solid friendships with.  So, naturally, they didn’t make it to the list of losers.  And not to jinx myself, but I believe I’ve met my soulmate.  Okay. I’m being dramatic.  But for real, we all have one person that just gets you.... a really great friend who’s similarity to you is freakishly wonderful that you wonder where they’ve been your whole life.  It’s definitely nothing serious at this time, but who knows?  No rush.  Even if it doesn’t develop into anything more, its the beginning to a beautiful friendship, which, at this point in my life, I value more than anything else.  Wahooo.    
Hope you enjoyed it.  And if you didn’t... you can Go BRAD yourself. 
:) 

Monday, October 24, 2011

Deal Breakers


Okay, so... I’ve got a confession.  I am sick.  I am tired.  But mostly, I am SICK AND TIRED of being asked ‘WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?’  Umm, hello, nice to meet you.  Because, CLEARLY, if you’re asking me that question, you don’t really know me that well.
I recently had a conversation with my good friend, Cher, about how the majority of people settle down so quick.  They settle with someone they think they can “make it work with”.  MAKE IT WORK? EFF THAT.  I’m awesome.  I’m not lookin for someone to make it work with.  What the hell does that even mean?  
Ahhh. Why can’t people just be real?  I don’t get it.  I must have a disability or something, because I am literally incapable of being anything but what I am and who I am.  This is not the norm, I’ve been told.  Most people act differently at first, try to be whoever the other person wants them to be.  Yeah, I get that to a certain degree, but it seems like this is a trend that lasts weeks, or even months.  Don’t you get tired of being someone else?  Sounds exhausting to me.
I am SO glad I didn’t jump from one thing to another.  I ALMOST did, but looking back now, god am I glad.  Singledom isn’t awful.  Sure, it’s lonely sometimes, but is lonely all bad?  It’s when you’re alone that you learn the most about yourself.  Like, I’m talking authentic realizations.  So, you’ve been scrambling your eggs everyday for the last 6 years.... now you discover, you like overeasy eggs.  You don’t even LIKE scrambled eggs.  They’re too wet and awkward and hang out in mouth awkwardly too long like that creepy religious neighbor who always tries to convert you.  Just leave, please.  Would you have been able to discover that with your partner?  No.  WHY? Because you were stuck in the comfortable world of scrambled eggs.  No challenge there.  Just pop em in the pan, stick a spatula in there and eff em up a bit, then BAM. done.  But overeasy?  Oh, those suckas take effort.  
  
So, I decided to create a nice list, for those that are curious of DEAL BREAKERS and DEAL MAKERS for ALL of my future relationships.... friendships included.  
Deal Breakers:
  1. Improper grammar.  Their, they’re, there... there’s a difference.  Oh, and spelling too.  Seriously? You can’t even spell “insane” right?  chances are, you’ll annoy the hell outta me.  Sorry, I need a little bit of intellectual stimulation.  I’m not talking rocket science here, just common knowledge, maybe a bit more.
  2. Hoes in different area codes.  If your life resembles lyrics from pretty much any ludacris song = deal breaker.
  3. Baby Mamas. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, however, I’m at the age where I need to start asking “do you have any children?” Because pretty much every one is popping kids out left, right, and center.... but mostly center.  If you’ve got kids, that’s great! Awesome for you!  But I’m not really ready to be anybody’s stepmom.  So, unless there is a reallllyyyyy good reason as to why you have a child/aren’t with said baby mama, that’s currently a deal breaker for me.  
  4. Crazy ass.  Yup, dealt with crazy stalkers that tracked my whereabouts before... and the truth is, I’m still recovering.  Honestly, if you are THAT insecure in yourself and/or our relationship that you have to stalk the livin bejebles out of me.... done. DEAL BREAKER.  

Deal Makers
  1. Hilarious: I’m talking a combination of Adam Sandler (the late 90s Sandler), Chris Farley, Dane Cook (total perv= must), Noah Fielding, and Peter Griffin.  Stacked.   
  2. Confident: Have confidence in who you are and what you’re capable of.  If you don’t believe it, no one else will.  Confidence is the sexiest trait in my book.  If you want something, go for it.  Be as great as you are.      
  3. Challenging: Challenge me.  Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. But mostly physically.  Hahaahahhahaha. But for real.  What good is a partner if they don’t encourage you to be the best you can be?  Isn’t that the point of having a partner in life?  Oh no, that's right.  It's scrambled eggs.  Put your fork down.   
  4. Suave.  If you’ve ever had a REAL conversation with me, you know who my dream man is, Denzel. Mmm.  He’s just so suave, so smooth, so perfect.
Yes, I am aggressive.  That’s a turn on for some, a turn off for others.  Some like submissive girls.  Sorrrrry. Not my style.  I know that I am a damn good wife.  If I love you, I’d do anything for you, not because I have to, but because I want to.  If I love you (yes, I’m talking to YOU), you know my language.  I’m not playing this game.  And those of you that are, what a waste!  Why waste your time, your energy, and your love on someone who isn’t even a good match?  Ahhh. So frustrating.  
So, what happens when you meet someone exactly like you?  Someone who thinks like you, shares the same views religiously and politically, who is on exactly the same page you’re on (even if you’ve skipped a few chapters)?  What happens if you meet someone who challenges you, yet values you?  Someone you share ridiculous inside jokes with but whom you can also share the fears and depths of your soul?  Someone who brings out the best in you.... someone you look forward to hearing from?  What happens then?   
Someday I’ll find someone that loves me for everything I am.  Who knows, maybe I already have? Hmmm.... guess we’ll all find out someday.  But no rush. What is meant to be will always find its way... but you’d be crazy to think that I’m just gonna sit back and assume it's gonna happen.  Silly rabbit.   
The Backstreet Boys called...they asked you to quit playing games with my heart.  Just sayin’.   

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Penitent


So, I had a bad day.  Wish I could pin point it, but I can’t.  My job gets to me sometimes... I love the people I work with and the company I work for, but my job still annoys the hell outta me sometimes. I get so stressed, so invested.  I got bad news today that I wouldn’t be able to go to a concert with one of my friends in NYC because of halloween at work. So of course that pissed me off.  The clients were particularly finicky this afternoon and my usually supportive best friend ignored me all day, which you KNOW is gonna piss me off too.  WAHHHH.... 
Anyway... I came home and wined to my roomies who listened, because they are friggin angels.... no, actually, I take that back.  I think I bring excitement to their lives.  Who needs Grey’s Anatomy when you can relive all of my dramatic moments?  Oh boy.  Oh well.  They love it, I’m pretty sure.  
When I’m stressed, I either workout, cook, write, or eat.  I already had pumpkin ice cream with Becca and the gym closes at 8, so that really leaves one other option: write.  So, I decided to finish a story I started a while back.  All writers write from what they know... well, much of what I know is pain and confusion... and trust me, this story did not deviate from those feelings.  WHY AM I SO DEPRESSING YOU ASK!? Well, if you’ve met me in person, I’m actually a happy-go-lucky, pretty fun girl!  But I’m not retarded.  I’ve lived a rather interesting life full of complete and total crazy drama... it’s like a lifetime movie, no joke.  ANYWAY... every experience, whether good or bad, has taught me to be more thankful for each moment, because life is short, time is precious, and memories are beautiful reminders of a life LIVED.    
anyway... the following short story (wicked short, might I add) is based on an inner battle fought by children of prisoners.  It’s a careful articulation of the feelings of shame, guilt, and remorse felt and experienced from the “other side”.  
Penitent 
I didn’t stay in contact with him as much as I should have.  I’d make excuses about how my life was so busy and I couldn’t possibly find the time to write or visit.  But that wasn’t the truth.  How long does it take to write a letter?  Five or ten minutes?  Not even a quarter of an hour to let the man know I was doing okay.  I knew how much prisoners coveted letters.  Then why?  Why did I not take time to reassure him of my happiness?  
Was it shame... or fear?  Perhaps both.  
He wasn’t the only one that suffered at the hand of the .22 that night.  Because of his choices, we all suffered.  I was the one there holding the family together, when all he did was tear it apart.  I held my mother’s hand at my grandmother’s funeral.  I walked my sister down the aisle.  I taught my little brother how to throw a baseball.  It could have been him.  It should have been him.  At ten-years-old, I became a man. I took his role, not because I wanted to, but because I had to.  
How could I forget the torture my siblings and I endured at school?  Kids can be so cruel.  I’d hear them whisper ‘that’s the crazy man’s son’ as I’d walk by.  One little asshole even got the courage to challenge me.  “What are you gonna do, kill me like your daddy did?”  I laid that fucker out.  He never bothered me again.  None of em did. 
I glance up at him.  He’s dressed in the suit he wore to his sentencing twenty years before.  It’s gray.  Not the dark and sophisticated gray business men appreciate, but a dull pewter hue you’d see peddlers on the street wearing.  Regardless of his 
archaic attire, he looks good.  The puffiness and redness from years of alcohol abuse have long since descended from his cheeks.  Forty pounds down with chiseled arms and a salt and pepper beard, he looks like a completely different man.  So much so, that if I saw him on the street, I may not recognize him.  But today, I know who he is.  I know what he is.  And regardless of the years I’ve had to work it through my mind, I still don’t know what to make of him.  
It’s frustrating.  It’s embarrassing.  Why am I even here?  When I was 8, I got suspended from school for kicking another kid between the legs.  He started it.  He told me my ninja turtle t-shirt was stupid.  Poor kid didn’t stand a chance.  One kick and down he went.  Of course, the teachers didn’t appreciate my t-shirt either, because I got suspended.  And where was my father when I was crying in the principal’s office?  I have no idea, because he never came to pick me up.  He left me to wallow in misery alone.  Other fathers would have turned this situation into a learning opportunity, but not mine.  Instead, he just acted like it never happened.  I could have followed suit when it came to him, but I didn’t... and in this moment I’m not sure why.
For years, I acted like nothing even happened.  I was fatherless, but it was okay.  I didn’t talk about him.  Much to my mother’s dismay, I didn’t go to therapy to discuss my feelings.  It wasn’t real to me.  None of it was.  
The only photo I had was of him holding me as a baby.  I kept it in a shoebox under my bed.  When I was 10, it was hidden under soldier figurines and comic books.  Years later, it was wedged between Playboy magazines and college acceptance letters.  It made it with me to my fraternity house and somehow made it out as well.  It was there with me as I worked my way through medical school.  As the phases of my life changed, the photo stayed the same.  I never replaced it with updated photos he’d send me from cultural days held at the prison or other photos my aunt would forward along.  Keeping the other photos would be admitting the truth.  The man in that photo was a father.  The man he was after that was not.   
The judge orders him to stand.  It’s finally time... the verdict.  After twenty years and two failed parole attempts, the time has come.  Parole granted.  Five years of his sentence diminished.  He’s free.  I can feel the color drain from my face.  This has to be a joke.  I watch as he stands, his lawyer shakes his hand, then he turns toward my direction.  I look away.  What do I do?  I can feel him looking at me as he makes his way across the courtroom.  When I finally get the courage to look up, he’s in front of me.  Our eyes meet and he smiles softly.  The wrinkles around his eyes are deep and defined.  Although he lookers harder than ever before, there’s an air of gentleness about him.  
“Son,” he says.  I hesitate with a response.  
“Dad,” I reply in acknowledgement.  I examine him carefully.  After several long moments of pause, he clears his throat.  He’s nervous.  He reaches out his hand as if he’s greeting a complete stranger, which doesn’t deviate far from the reality of our current situation.  
“Thank you,” he says as he takes my hand.  His words cut through me, stinging the taste buds of guilt and shame on my tongue.  I am without words.  I nod at him and release his hand, then turn to walk away.  With each step I take, I can feel the sense of relief ascend from underneath years of built up pain and  resentment.  As much as I want him to stop me, he lets me go.  For the last time, he lets me go and for that I’m grateful.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

What I Love About Fall


Evidently, I know how to throw a party.  
Friday, September 30th, I celebrated my Independence with 35 incredible people.  Wahooo.  Yes, I threw myself a party... because I’m an independent woman and I can do things like that. But yeah... it was a really, really, really, really good time.  If anyone didn’t have a good time, it was because they were either being responsible for someone else, or they weren’t invited. Ouch.  But I had a great time!! WAHOOO. Thank you to all of those that came. For real, y’all are so much fun! LET’S RECAP.  Dinner with some of my favorites.  Then taking over Three Tides “We’ve heard of a Sonja...”.... yeah, that’s never good. hahaha. Thanks to my bocci partner for setting it up so I won! You’re the best! Thanks for all the drinks that were bought for me (and stolen by me, sorry Eb, I had no idea) as well as all the dance partners and escorts on the walk back (I wish I knew who Scott was, or I’d bring him to you...ahahhaa).  Oh, and my little brown baby that keeps creepin on me. 80s Dance Party at the Lookout. BAHAHAH. Who knew Belfast could be so much fun?! And a special thanks to my roomies, bestie, Bee Eff Eff, and favorite neighbor for putting up with me at all times, even when you don’t want to.
Needless to say, Saturday and Sunday were very low key.  All I did was sleep, read, write, cook, shop, and clean.  Oh, I went for a run too! 5 miles! BAM!  Now I’m listening to country music, which explains my mood... VERY low key.  Normally I’m bustin out the dirty rap music to get me pumped for the week, but not today.     
What I Love About Fall
This is my first fall in Maine since 2008! Holy mother lover, that’s a long time.... at least it feels that way.  Let me tell ya, I love Maine in fall.  I kinda love summer too.  Actually, if I could live here from June through October, that’d be perfect.  I know, I sound like a little old lady.... With my activities the last two days, you would think I’m about 70 years old....   which I’m actually really excited for... wheelchair races, switchin people’s teeth, wearing bright spandex pants and no one judges you.... livin the dream.   
OKAY. Back to my top 10 reasons why fall is perfect.  Becca, my FAVORITE ROOMIE (sorry Dr. Phil, but you know its true), helped me out with this one. SO. LET’S GET IT GONE.

Comenzar con el n├║mero diez. 
10. Football. Okay, so, let me explain myself.  I don’t even understand football.  But both of my little brothers play football and I try really really REALLY hard to understand it.  I finally understand what “First Down” means. TRIUMPH! So even though I don’t understand it (kinda like poker, yet my Dad plays professionally), it’s one of my favorite parts of fall because I like watching my boys have a good time. 


9. Fall scented everything.  Sweet baby buddha, fall smells delicious.  I love it all, but my personal favorite are candles: autumn leaves, spiced pumpkin, macintosh apple, cloves... I could go on and on... mmm.  


8. CHRISTMAS IS COMING. Need I say more? 


7. Fall Shows! Wahoo! All my favorite shows are back!  Including Grey’s Anatomy, Modern Family, The Office, Community, House, and CSI. But my FAVE, Lie To Me, was cancelled!? SAY WHAT!? Tim Roth is incredible. How does that happen, yet ANTM is on it’s 17th season?! (btw, Laura’s got it this time). Oh well.  Now, if only Game of Thrones was on this fall, my life would be complete.  Who am I kidding. I can barely follow a single one of these shows. Between work, gym, cooking, blogging, and dancing around my apartment, I barely have time for tv.... but I like to have the option. and boy oh boy do I. FINALLY. Drama that is not my own, right Derek? ;)  


6. Skeletons, ghosts, bats, witches, uh, HALLOWEEEEN. DUH. I’m a retarded girl.  I HATE scary movies because they scare the shit outta me.  HOWEVER, I LOVE WATCHING THEM.  Why, you ask? God, I don’t even know.  But halloween is exactly the same, but It’s so much fun. The grim reaper, haunted houses, fog, big scary trees, monsters, vampires (that don’t sparkle, please), and dressing up like pirates, bumble bees, and the cast of mario kart. What ISN’T there to love about halloween?          


5. The Farm. Apple picking and corn mazes!!!!! Apple Cider. Hay Rides. OH.EM.GEE. I know I’m 24 and I shouldn’t enjoy these things, but I do.  Don’t judge.  Actually, go ahead and judge, doesn’t really bother me, because I’ll be off riding ponies through the field having a dandy time, while you’re sitting here hanging out with your grandma, playing checkers drinking metamucil before bed. 


4. Fall clothes.  Fall fashion season is my favorite. Jeans (flares are back, friends!!!), boots, light sweaters, blazers, leggings, little hints of lace.  Not to mention that Native American styles are SO IN for fall 2011 (that means I default to being awesome just because I have brown skin, NICE), as are plunging necklines and sexy leather harnesses. MEOW.  


3. PUMPKINS.  Becca LOVES pumpkins.  As a matter of fact, she grew pumpkins this year, which is pretty amazing! I’ve never cared too much for gardening, but I pretended for Becca’s sake.... but I have to tell you, it’s pretty rad to watch stuff grow. ANYWAY... we love pumpkins. Carving them, eating, them, looking at them, lighting them on fire, throwing them at cars. Pumpkins are awesome. 


2. Food. Baking. Cooking. Oh dear lord. Thanksgiving. Turkey. Pumpkin pie. Stuffing. Cranberry sauce. Mashed potatoes. GRAVY. Green bean casserole. Sweet potato pie. Turnips. Squash. Parsnips. Ham. Deviled eggs. Those little onions Bob Dow likes. nom nom nom. OH BOYYYY. 

AND TIED FOR Numero UNO.....
  1. Foliage and the tourists leave.  Yes, I said it.  Tourists.  What the hell are you doing in Maine anyway? I know we have awesome lobster, moose, and patchouli that seems to bring y’all by the boatload, but please, if you visit, at least PRETEND you aren’t a complete and total weirdo.  And goooooood lord, learn to drive. and walk. and pronounce.  It’s BANG-OR, not BANG-ERRRR.  ANYWAY.... back to the list.  Leaves die in the fall.  Watching those mofos suffer is a joy to behold each fall.  For real, there’s nothing like fall in Maine.  Racking leaves, jumping in them, then having to rack them again...(why don’t I ever remember this BEFORE I jump in them... idk).  But really, one of my favorite things to do during the autumn season is drive around, blasting michael jackson and looking at the changing colors.  It’s such a good reminder that although one thing must die to make room for something new, it’s still beautiful amidst the change.  Kinda like life.
That’s all I’ve got, kids. Let me know what you think!  Thanks for tuning in!

I’m starting a new trend at the bottom of each blog.... here it is:
Obsessed: Jenna Marbles and “Fancy” perfume by Jessica Simpson
Chef: Black Eyed Peas, Green Bean Casserole, and Rice Krispy Treats
Jam: “Dedication To My Ex” by Lloyd & Andre 3000