Thursday, September 22, 2011


Oh Boy. I feel like I've been waiting for this day for the last 6 months and it's finally here.  D-day...aka Divorce Day.  Monday, September 26th, 2011 at 8:30 am, I will stand in front of the courts of Belfast, ME and declare myself legally single.  Wow.  This is no joke... you'd think I'd be more excited... but it's sad.  Signing those papers for the last time will mean I am officially giving up and moving on.  

Who am I without him?  J has been in my life for 12 years. We were best friends for 4, dated for 4, and married for 4.  Moving on in life without him means leaving behind everything we ever built together.  Our future plans, the Saint Bernard we almost bought, our "coupled" friends, and the memories, Oh the memories.  The road trip to Tennessee with my dad.  Chasing tornados in Nashville.  Krum, my stuffed cow, showing up everywhere because J would hide him in my stuff.  Halo and COD parties with all of J's friends.  Just simply laughing and enjoying life.  We shared a lot of life together.  I know I'm young and I still have a lot of life left to live, but today, I choose to be reflective... because not all of our relationship was bad.  And now I have to decide what kind of life I'm going to lead on my own.  Will I regress and try to be all that I never could be because I was married?  Perhaps a little.  But my hope is that I continue on a path of self-discovery that allows me to nurture growth through trials and strength in resilience.  I'm learning.  But I'm also living.

I've had a couple close friends ask (only a close friend would have the guts enough to ask this) "do you ever blame yourself?"  My answer... yes.  Of course.  Maybe if I wasn't so discontented.  Perhaps if I was able to be satisfied with a simple life, I'd still be happily married.  But that's not me.  Everything about me is complicated.  YOU know this, you're reading my blog.  You love the drama.  Getting back on track... to be completely honest, I really enjoy a challenge.  If you challenge me, chances are, we'll be friends.  I'm kinda stubborn and overly confident... I flock like a June bug to a screen door (god, I'm so country) to those that challenge me.  Bring it on, baby.  Knock me down to size and I'll do that same for you. Meow.    

Last night, I sat down with "Dr. Phil" and asked him 'Phil, what kind of guy do you think would be good for me?'  You wanna know his answer? (Just to show you how intuitive this guy is, and exactly why I call him "Dr. Phil")  He told me that I need someone who can make decisions for me.  Someone who has a life path loosely defined that involves change and excitement.  BAM. GENIUS.  DUH. Of course, Philly! He's so smart! (Don't tell him that tho... ballooooon).  Where you find these people, I'll never know, but its definitely been an interesting ride so far! (Just ask my best friends who have to hear about all this noise. hahahhahaha) 

Well friends, wish me luck.  It's been a rough couple of days trying to adjust to the idea of it being official.  I mean, its so....what's the word... ah forget it...OFFICIAL, scaaaaaary, final, over....failure.  But I'm working through it with the help of amazing roommates, an incredible best friend, wonderful bestie, and awesome BFF.  I love y'all.  Thank you for teaching me to love myself. XoxoX  

My next post will be inspired by my girl, Val. Maybe even a little guest blogging.  Gotta start steering away from talking about such heavy stuff.... makes my heart hurt.  Let's talk trash! Yeah, that's always fun! Stay tuned amigos. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The "Other" Breakup

This is a tough one I've been struggling with for a while now... people keep asking me about it, so I figured MIGHT AS WELL WRITE A BLOG POST ABOUT IT.... yeah, cuz that's effective. hahaha. Oh well.  Here I am.  So STOP ASKING DAMNIT.  

Keep this in mind as you read the rest of the post: I read a story the other day about a bird trap in India, a platform that turns upside down when a bird lands on it.  The upside-down bird believes she'll die if she lets go of the platform, so she clings to it until the hunter comes and carries her away.  To escape, all she needs to do is let go.  Then she'll fly.

Okay... let's get to it... but first, here's a little back story... This is going to be all over the place, but it will come together, I promise.  At least, I hope so.  So bare with me.  

Over two years ago, J and I moved to Nashville, Tennessee.  Waaahoooo.  I can still hear the southern twang and smell the BBQ. mmm.  Anyway... when we moved there, J started working and thought it was cool if I stayed home for a couple months.  I was down for that.  I had just graduated college and I was trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life.  Well, I decided I'd take those couple months and turn them into life-changing memories.  Umm... yeah.... I succeeded.  But not quite in the way I intended.  

In July 2009, I wrote my memoir, "My Five Fathers."  Sounds all happy and jolly, right!?  OMG. SO WRONG.  By writing these stories, I had to relive the darkest, saddest days of my childhood.  Days filled with drugs, alcohol, abuse, depression, suicide, prison, neglect, and fear.  Days of complete darkness... By September 2009, when every "t" had been crossed and every "i" had been dotted, I was completely and utterly exhausted.... but so relieved.  By writing and reliving those memories, I was finally able to come face to face with pain I had buried deep within myself for years.  It strengthened me.  Gave me wings.  And I am so thankful to J for encouraging me to take that time, because it changed my life.  

That being said... I have more craziness to deal with... this time, it's my own doing.  I can't point my finger and say "Why did you do this to me!?"  Nope.  Not this time.  I did this to me.  I made these decisions.  I need to take ownership for them.  Well, here it goes... let the public stoning begin...

I've only had one relationship that's lasted longer than J and I (as if 8 years isn't long enough... wowsss).  This relationship started when I was about 12 and grew really intense around the time I was 16, the same time J and I started dating.  The relationship progressed and by the time I was 20, I made every single decision in relation to this relationship.  It wasn't until about January of 2011 that I started to doubt where this courtship was going.  And just as the foundation cracked, so did my faith.  

Part of my breakup with J has included my total and utter rebellion.  I haven't just tested the waters... I have swam in the friggin Pacific (maybe even the Atlantic too... but that's TBD).  Well, part of this rebellion has been rejecting every thing that reminds me of J.  I'm not kidding.  Every single thing that J liked, I decided I didn't like.  Politics for example.  J is a DIE HARD conservative.  So what am I? Oh, don't even act like you don't know... pretty friggin liberal.  And since we're on the topic, let's stop being legalistic and ignorant and legalize gay marriage, because gay people deserve the right to be as miserable in marriage as straight people.  Just sayin'.  ANYWAY....  another major topic has been... yup, you guessed it, religion.  GASP. I know, I'm not supposed to talk about this.  And trust me, this will be the only time I do.... but I had to get it off my chest.  

My religion defined me.  I clung to it like a child clings to her father's leg when he tries to drop her off at daycare.  I hung on tight, refusing to let go because I was afraid.  Some days it seemed easier to hold on... easier than admitting that the world is bad, people are evil, and life is unfair.  I wore my rose-colored glasses and smiled, because as a Christian, that's what I was told to do.  I became a snob.  "Be in the world, but not of it."  Oh, I LIVED that verse. TRUST.  I started cutting people off that "weren't like me".  I'd blame it on society and how corrupted people were, not realizing that I too was screwed up.  Then one day.... I woke up.

So, I broke up with God.  Breaking up with him meant losing everything I had built my life on up to that point.  My marriage, career, friends...It was devastating.  So devastating, in fact, that I moved back to Maine.  Yeah... might as well make myself MORE depressed... haha jk, friends!  I know, this isn't funny.  But I don't do well with this awkwardness... so turtlish.  Regardless, I had to decide what I wanted for myself.  Idk why I'm writing in the past tense... I NEED to decide what I'm going to do.  This is a major breakup.  TWO major breakups occurring simultaneously.  If I don't go up in flames, I'll be surprised.  No pun intended.  

Almost daily I am asked "What can I do to pray for you" or "Have you found a church in Belfast?"  I appreciate the concern, I really do, but I need to figure this out on my own.  For 12 years I've just listened to what others have told me.  My faith was built on false pretenses.  Now, I need to discover the truth for myself.  Don't get me wrong, I believe in God as a creator... it's the idea of religion I struggle with, but even THAT I want to decide on my own.  

I've lost a lot of friends.  Ppl don't know what to say or how to react, so they don't or they turn their backs.  Even worse is when I get bombarded with messages (FB messages, mind you... c'mon, for real?) about how terrible of a person I am for making this decision.  Sounds absurd, right?  Well, I've gotten quite a few.  One common thing among them all? They're all preachin the gospel.  Jesus says to love your sisters, not shove your ignorant, unfounded rants down their throats during their time of need.  Don't tell me how I'm supposed to feel, don't tell me how your religion thinks my marriage/divorce is supposed to be, keep your opinions to yourself.  I don't force MY faith down your throat, do I? "But Sonja, you don't have faith, remember?  What a lonely, desperate life you must lead."  Bullshit.  I feel more free now that I've decided to spread my wings than when my wings were clipped of all their beauty.  PLEASE don't get my wrong.... I value faith.  I think faith is required in most things... especially relationships.  What I struggle with is those that are force feeding me scripture in hopes that I'll turn from my wicked ways.  Sorry, but I've been told that I am supposed to stay in a marriage regardless of how unhappy I am.... all because of my religion.  If that's the truth, that's not the religion for me.  Especially a religion built on the foundation of LOVE.  Regardless... this is something I need to find out for myself.  I may end up back where I started, but at least I made the journey and learned truth through the trials.  

One last thing, then I'll leave you poor people alone... a poem that rings true to me in this moment.  Enjoy :)

Love After Love
The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here.  Eat.  You will love again the stranger who was your self.  Give wine.  Give bread.  Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart.  Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror.  Sit. Feast on your life.
-Derek Walcott 

Next post won't be so heavy. I promise.  But thanks for sticking with me! I'm quite the ranter, aren't I?  Ah well.  Time for bed.  I have a test tomorrow! Ahhhhh!!! 

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


This has come to be a joke between me and my closest friends.  Evidently I'm a playa who just can't get enough.  This is SO not true.  I only have 6 boyfriends. NBD.  YEAH RIGHT. I FRIGGIN WISH.  Nope, actually, I retract that.  I definitely DO NOT want 6 boyfriends.  God, I can't even handle one.  Jeeeez.  But yeah, the joke comes from boys (note the word BOYS, not men BOYS) that have been talking to me.  It's kind of hilarious, actually.  Life's a trip, let me tell ya!  I can't even handle it.  But these are the disasters... so, if you're on my good side, you didn't make it into this post.  So, you want to hear about them?! OKAY!

Names have been changed to protect the guilty.... Don't worry, I'll post photos, facebook profile page links, and home addresses in a later post.  HHAHAHAHA. omg. I'm so funny.

DIEGO: a guy I was head over heels in lust with in high school.  Man oh MAN did I find this guy hot.  My BFF Bri and I would go to his baseball games just so I could watch his.... uhhh... form? He was pretty.  Well, when he found out I was single and READY TO MINGLE... he decided he wanted to hang out.  Well, after fulfilling my lifelong dream of some Diego love, guess what I find out!?  The asshole has a girlfriend.  I kinda had a feeling, but he never mentioned her, so I wasn't so sure..but damnit.  ....Needless to say, I decided not to be "that girl"... because that's a really shitty thing to do to someone.... I've been cheated on before, I know how crappy it feels.... anyway... I wanted to try to remain friends, regardless of how awkward that could be, but it didn't really work and he broke my little bleeding heart.  Actually, he kinda ripped it out, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it (I think he was trying to make jam, the old fashioned way).  So, we're not friends any more. Sad.  

CAM: Now this guy was a trip.  He was in LOVE with me.  Like, really? You know me for three months and you want to run away together?  I may be young but I'm not f'ing retarded.  Anyway... Good ol Cam is a good 10 years older than me.  Barely even knew him, was NOT dating him, but he flips a LID when he finds out I have facebook friends.  REALLY BUDDY!? I don't even know what to say to that one.  Pretty much a crazy jealous guy that STILL wants to make it work.  Make WHAT work?  I don't know.  Ugh, give it a rest, playa, no one likes you.  Ah well.  At least he tried.  Kinda.  

DEREK: This is the doozy. The most recent. The one that stings a bit. Even more than Diego. This boy was a great friend that I never intended to be anything other than a friend but then BAM, out of the blue, I develop feelings (Because I'm a girl who never learns lessons).  So, I share my feelings with Derek and what does he do? Hooks up with another girl the NEXT DAY. Wow, D, WOW.  Way to go. Teach me to share my life ever again. Sheesh.  I guess what hurts about this one is the fact that I shared a lot with him, we became really great friends.  I can get over losing a potential "boyfriend" or whatever, but the thought of losing a great friend is what hurts, because Idk if we can be friends after this. The sheer disrespect of hooking up less than 24 hours after I pour myself out (couldn't have waited a month, a week, or even a few days? goooodnesssss).  This is what kills me.  SIGH* Sorry, this one is still fresh and tears me up a bit.  But at the end of the day, I know I'm not the one missing out.  I'm pretty awesome. 

So, that's the latest update of losers/sadness in my life... it's not conclusive.  But I figured... the fall shows haven't started yet, so we're all dying for a little drama in our lives.  Well, friends... I have enough drama for all of us.  Any of you who know me from high school or college know that this life is very foreign to me.  I used to be so boring, completely drama-free.  Well, I WAS married at 20, so I played house for a few years... now it looks like I'm making up for lost time.  Lots of lessons to be learned.  And I seem to learn them all the hard way.... whoops.

The Big "D"

So, everyone's been asking over the last several months about J and I.... are we still together? What happened? Why? Who did it? Was anyone else involved? Where is he? What's going on? .... the questions just keep rolling in... and it's been 6 months now... So, this is the initial reason why I started this blog.  I was going to call it the DIVORCE CHRONICLES (which answers the first question)....but my life doesn't just revolve around divorce.  I mean, yeah... I guess it kinda does... but not JUST the divorce.  What's affecting me now is the consequences of it.  It's scary shit.

I'm not going to answer all the questions... because that's just obnoxious. What I will say is this... J and I are no longer together as of March 2011.  After 8 years of being together, we respectfully and out of love for one another as individuals decided to part ways.  He is an amazing guy that I know will make some woman very happy someday. I honestly can't say many bad things about the guy. We both made decisions that affected our relationship in such a way that continuing on as a married couple was not really an option.  I know of many out there that think otherwise.  But FORGET YOU.  No one knows what happens in a marriage aside from the two that are a part of it.  You may believe what you want to believe and base your judgements off of your "moral standards" or "religious foundation" that marriage is meant to last forever, no matter what.... but you're wrong. Sorry to break it to you.

So, what happened???  In May, I left New Jersey with nothing but the clothes on my back.  I had to get out.  I felt like I was drowning in uncertainty.  I was suffocating.  Scratching. Clawing my way out of a box I had been placed in for years.  I was told to feel, pray, think, believe, and be a certain way that eventually I lost sight of who I really was.  Obviously I made this decision out of free will, but eventually it got to the point that I didn't feel like I had a choice any longer.  I was brain washed to believe things about myself, about my culture, my past, my future...everything... I was made to believe that everything was wrong....

Then one day in March, it all clicked for me.  Like a touch lamp illuminating a dark room with a single stroke, I became enlightened.  The first touch came from two women I worked with at a non-profit organization in New York City.  Two beautiful, strong, independent women working and living in the city who inspired and encouraged me to be true to my native soul and fly free.  To this day, I'm not sure they know how much I appreciated their love and support.
The next flicker of light came from my family.  As mentioned earlier, in May, I got into my car and drove home exactly two years to the day since I had driven away.  It was bittersweet... I had not a single thing to my name, but what I didn't have in material things, my family made up for me with love.  My mother, stepfather, aunts, uncles, cousins, dad, and brothers all showered me with love, adoration and support I had never experienced before in my life.  I can't even count the amount of times I heard "I'm not surprised" when others were told about my "d".  .... how nice.  Couldn't y'all have mentioned that to me FOUR YEARS AGO BEFORE I GOT FRIGGIN MARRIED?! good lord.  Just kidding... kinda.

The final stroke came in June, when I got the job in Belfast, Maine.  Yes. I went from being a contractor for several businesses in New York City to working in Belfast, Maine... where there isn't even a Target within 30 miles. ..... WHAT?!?#@!%$#^#@ Trust me, it didn't make sense to me either... but at the time, I was just looking for a job, any job, that could get me on my feet again.  When I left New Jersey, I left with nothing... not because J was keeping it all from me, but because I needed to start new.  Well guess what friends?  NEW is definitely what I got.  New friends, New job, New area, New roommates, New car, New New New.  It's overwhelming.  AHHHH.  But anyway... my roommate from college got me a job at this cool place, which I won't name, because I dont' wanna get sued if I ever become famous... just sayin'.  Becca is her name... her boyfriend's name is Phil, but I'll call him all kinds of fun things throughout this blog, because Phil is a fungi. hahha. GET IT. okay. lame. whatever. Anyway... I'm like a goldfish tonight, I keep getting distracted.  Becca and Phil not only got me a job, they ALSO let me live with them! Wahooo! Little did they know what they were getting into... good one. hahaha.  But on a serious note, I moved in, started working and let me tell you... not only do I have amazing roommates that put up with a lot of drama and tears (lots of laughs and family dinners too... can't forget all the happy times!) but I have an incredible job.  Well, let me retract that... the job itself isn't really my thing... just ask my clients. hahaha. poor guys.  But the community in which I work within is awesome.  They're great people who support, encourage, and teach one another to be more tolerant, honest, and joyful not only in their professional lives, but also in their personal lives.  I've made some amazing friends here that I know will carry over long after I leave this area, whenever that may be.  And to top it all off, I'm still living with my best friends.  Becca, who has spent hours letting me cry into her arms about everything and nothing all at once.  This girl is remarkable, there truly is no one like her in this world.  Whether we're baking all day, watching scary movies, facebooking each other, or walking across the bridge at night, we always have a great time.  And Phil.  Oh, Phil.  I might as well refer to him as Dr. Phil because he counsels me.  Sad, but true.  Whether we're discussing politics, rap music, or how bad I am at dating, Phil always seems to have an answer.  He's usually right too (but Becca and I don't tell him this...because his head is already inflated as it... haha jk, Phillip!) ...but shhh! seriously... don't let him know.

I also can't forget all the other amazing people that have been so supportive and loving through this all.  Megan. Cassandra. Sierra. Smalls. Ashley. Tiffanie. Dad. Thomas. Alex. Nat. LaToya. Ben. Ann. And not to mention the great friends I've made at work including Alexa, Kyle, Val, Sarah, MN.... Don't know where I'd be without y'all.  Many, many more. I can't name you all, but you know what you do to me ;)

I know this blog post turned into a THANK Y'ALL SPREAD THE LOVE kinda thing...but I did feel like I need to pay some recognition to those that have been so supportive through all this craziness.  And trust I start to actually post what I's gonna get wild.  I know I keep saying that.. but I need some help....


Monday, September 5, 2011

Welcome to the Jungle

Hey y'all! 
So, here's the deal... this is my blog.  You're probably reading it because you're interested in my thoughts and feelings.  Well, guess what!? That's all this thing is going to be... so creepers will LOVE it.  <-- Truth. Anyway, I'll cover all my favorite things: music. fitness. fashion. cooking. and writing.  Oh, and of course there will be coverage of the big D and dating for the first time in my life (and failinggggg miserably... haha, where do I FIND these guys?!) So, stay tuned.... it's gonna get wild. Me-ow. 

Why QUARTER LIFE?  Well, I'm 24, almost a quarter of a century old, in the pinnacle for my quarter life years... the years of discovery, mistakes, love, mystery, and tears.  This little network documents all of those feelings.  And then some.