Quarter Life

What a Year

2012-01-03T19:58:00.003-05:00

2011.... What a year. Phew. I made one resolution and one resolution only: Take more risks. I think it’s safe to say that I kept that resolution. Let’s recap the last year.

2011 started out like nearly every other year before that. I was content. Things were safe. Up til that point, I hadn’t taken many risks. At least, not on my own. J and I were living in Jersey, just doing out thing. I had an incredible job doing recruiting, marketing, and PR for a private events music company. 2011 started out great. Then things got interesting. By the end of January, I started to really question my marriage. Things hadn’t felt right for quite some time... but by December of 2010, they got wicked weird. So, by late January, the sense of entrapment ensued. February 1st, I started my second contract with a non-profit organization in New York City. This organization changed my outlook on so many things. I learned about passion and corruption, community and self-preservation, motivation and deception. The people at this organization also taught me a lot. AMAZING people. It is within this organization that I met two of the strongest, most beautiful native women I’ve ever encountered (aside from the women in my own family, of course). They inspired me and encouraged me to make the best decision of my life. March 10th, 2011: J and I separated. I didn’t move out... mostly because I was afraid if I did, he‘d leave the lease all to me and I’d get screwed when he stopped paying. Not that he’d do that...but it was threatened at one point... He refused to move out... so I moved all my shit out into the living room and slept there. Luckily, my contract with the second organization was pretty demanding, so I was only home to sleep and shower. This routine continued for two months until the contract ended April 30th... the same day my sister graduated from a 19 month long, life-changing program that probably saved her life. Actually, no probablies about it. It truly did.

May 9th, 2011... the final confrontation commenced between J and I. At this point, he still didn’t get that our separation was final (even though we hadn’t talked in months...not too bright, I tell ya). I had one final question for him, of which I knew the answer.... and he lied. I already had my mind made up at that point about what I’d do if he wasn’t honest. So....

May 10th, 2011... two years to the day that I left Maine, I moved back. I left jers with nothing except the clothes on my back (and a car full of clothes as well... WHAT? I’m the kind of girl that knows what she likes... don’t judge).

I spent the whole month of May in Milbridge. Anyone that has spent any significant amount of time in Milbridge knows how painful of a transition that was.... especially from New York City.... but it was perfect. My mom and step padre were incredible. It was such a difficult time and they were amazing.

June 13th, 2011.... I moved in with two of my best friends. They got me a job AND let me live with them= amazing, compassionate, self-less people. I started my new job... something completely different.... but different isn’t always bad. This job kicked my ass. I’m used to being awesome. Nope. Not at this job.

Whoa... okay... I started writing that first part yesterday. I have to warn ya, I’m sick. I’m a big ol baby. I only have a cold, but wow...you would think by looking at me that I had scurvy or something equally as awesome. But anyway...I took NyQuil like 6 minutes ago, so I can’t guarantee that this post won’t get a little silly. I’ll do my best.

ANYWAY...

September 26th, 2011: The divorce was final. J didn’t even show up. Awesome. Loved standing before the judge alone. Bastard. No worries. I threw myself a party. Great times. Great people. Ahhh I just love Belfast.

The months of October, November, and December seemed to pass by in a blur. One dramatic experience to another. I got my heart broken. It was humiliating. I never even meant to let him in, but I did and he played games with me. I haven’t shared this story with y’all yet....would you care to hear?

For a couple months I was talking to an old friend (I guess we were kind of friends) who was overseas, serving a tour of Afghanistan. We talked for hours everyday. We’d skype and message each other. By the end of our first conversation rekindling our friendship, we had nicknames for one another. Yeah, I know, it was THAT good. He was such a breath of fresh air. No games. He was honest about everything. He fed me lines about how he never felt such a strong connection with someone so fast... and like an idiot, I fell for them. I opened up. I shared shit with this fool that I haven’t even told my closest friends.

Well... we made plans for him to visit while he was on leave. Good and dandy. Well... like 4 days before he was supposed to come visit, he mentioned that things were busier than he thought and he was experiencing some family stuff and he wouldn’t really be able to come that weekend but that he’d still love to see me. Me, being the compassionate retard I am, figured he was legit. So, I wished him luck and guaranteed that we’d figure it out while he was still home. So, instead of hanging out at home that weekend, I went to Portland to visit my Dad. While I was there, I stopped in the mall for like 15 minutes to try to find a dress for my Holiday Gala at work the next weekend. No luck. The mall was insane. People everywherrrrrre. And y’all know how much I hate people. Not all people, just ignorant people. Anyway... I was just leaving the mall. I was walking around, just minding my own business.... and I don’t know about you, but when I’m at stores, I don’t really check people out. I just kinda keep to myself. I window shop and dilly dally around. Well, I just so happened to look across the mall at a couple that was walking in the opposite direction on the other side of the aisle. It was him. And a girl. I was stunned. Shocked. My heart fell into the pit of my stomach. My jaw literally dropped and I stopped in the middle of holiday foot traffic. I watched him walk away. He didn’t see me. I thought about chasing him... but then I thought that would be creepy. Regardless... I was virtually surprised. He fooled me. How could I let him fool me? I texted him and he made up some bullshit that I was planning on going to NYC (I decided to go only AFTER he told me he couldn’t go) and that he hadn’t meant to lead me on. BULLLLLLLLLshit. He played me. Oh, he played me goooood. Touche. Nice work, playa. Didn’t see that one coming. Well... to follow-up, he and the girl I saw him with are dating now. I wonder if she knows about all the bull he fed me? Maybe he fed her the same lines. Probably. I have no faith in humans. He knew this. He proved me right.

So, I fumed over this for a good 15 minutes. Okay... more than a week, but then it donned on me... of ALLLL the friggin people in that mall that day, of all the places, the timing, everything... what are the chances? I don’t know about you, but I believe everything happens for a reason. Because of this, I got over this fool. He may have effed with me, but I’m the one that won in the end... I mean... could you imagine the heartbreak otherwise? Seeing is believing. I clearly needed to see that. I just hope he realizes how awful of a person he is. He knew I didn’t give second chances. Life is too short to eff with assholes. Well, it’s safe to say that I haven’t talked to him since. Will I? I can’t say for sure. But I just know he hit a tough spot. He knew I didn’t play games, yet he played the biggest game of all. Ahhhh. Friggin humans. I know no one is perfect, but you can’t say you don’t know that you’re going to hurt someone when you eff with their head. Useless.

To top off my year, on Christmas Eve, I find out J is getting married.... in a week. On New Years Eve, evidently J tied the knot with some unsuspecting victim. Say WHAT? Uhhh.... awkward. Wow. Crazy. If you read my last post, you know how that makes me feel... but if not, I’ll sum it up in one word: shit. Jealous? Possibly a little. Angry? Hell yeah. What the eff? Oh well, that’s his funeral. I’m never getting married again. Evidently I didn’t damage him enough to discourage him from ever considering marriage again. He should be thanking me.

Also on Christmas eve, I got my step padre a scratch off that won he and mi madre $25,000.00. Not kidding. BOBDOW kept saying it was the best Christmas ever. hahaha. I’d say so. I think I gave the best gift, not gonna lie. ....I’m still waiting for that finder’s fee. Just sayin.

New Years Eve was phenomenal. I spent it with some of my favorites. Oh... and I have boyfriend now. I know, I know... I’m retarded. I complain about everything and then BAM! SURPRISE!!!! I bet you’re wondering where he came from!? Yeah... not really gonna share that jazz yet, because it’s still so new (we’ve been dating for a whole 6 days... so give me a break). But to give you an idea... he and I have been talking for months. He’s a great guy. He was very persistent. Quite confident. I had to give him a shot. Especially since he gave me his shoes to walk home in after the Holiday Gala (he walked back in socks) after I refused to wear my 5 inch heels during my trek up mount everest. Told ya... great guy. Me... not as much of a great girl, clearly. I made the guy walk home in socks and cut his feet all to pieces because of vanity. But trust me, it was worth it. Smoooookin.

TO SUMMARIZE:

It was a big year for the Fitch/Stanley/Dow household. Krista and her boyfriend bought a house. BJ and his wife had a baby. Sarah got married. Donald bought a house AND got engaged. Oh... and Sonja got a divorce. Who’s the screwup in this family now? And we all thought it would be Donnie. Just kidding, D! I’ll own the title for a little while, but no worries, I plan on giving it back to one of you.

Things are finally starting to turn around. I haven’t been this happy or in tune with my own needs, likes, and desires in my entire life. I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

THANKS FOR READING AGAIN. I like all the feedback I’ve been getting, so PLEASE!!! Keep it coming! Send me a facebook message if you have questions, comments, or if you have specific things you’d like to see included in future posts. I’m all eyes, babe. <3

Let It Rain

2011-12-07T20:52:00.001-05:00

Tonight’s post is an outpour.... an indecisive set of emotions, heart wrenching fear, tragic passion.

I know I’m choosing to go through this process publicly, however, I don’t really know what to say...

I value you reading this, because then it’s like you’re going through it with me, sorry about that. Hopefully you’re not nearly as exhausted as I am.

I found out my ex-husband is engaged.

.....

Nope. Not only is he dating someone else, he has found “the one” he wants to join his hand in marriage with.

We got divorced on September 26th, 2011. 72 days ago.

We separated on March 10th, 2011. 272 days ago.

We were together for 8 years. That’s roughly 2920 days.

nearly THREE THOUSAND DAYS spent loving one another, getting to know one another, working through things, creating lives with each other.

....but it takes him less than 72 days to decide he’s moved on? It makes absolutely no sense to me.

I couldn’t even think of dating anyone else.... I’m still recovering from him. clearly.

The first guy I thought was maybe perhaps a possibility broke my heart this past weekend.... told me he didn’t mean to lead me on... bullshit. Of course, figures that the first guy I open myself up to even a little bit is the first to also disregard my heart. But anyway... I wasn’t even looking for a relationship... just looking for someone to share pieces of my life with. MILES away from engagement. what the eff is that? Marriage scares the hell out of me. But not him, I guess.

This is way harder than I thought it would ever be...

It kills my ego. I’m told I have great qualities... and to be honest, I know I’m a great person. I have pretty tremendous confidence, sometimes too much *I talk like this cuz I can back it up* (Oh Beyonce) but even so, it doesn’t mean my heart is incapable of being broken. He couldn’t fight for the woman he spend nearly three thousands days with, yet he can decide he wants to give it a shot with someone he has had less than a year to get to know!? WTF!?

All things end. With good reason. But it still bothers me.

Why does he get to be happy? Granted, I am happier now than I ever was with him... but I'm happy by myself. How can he find happiness with someone else so fast? Someone explain this to me. I.just.don't.get.it.

This is not all rainbows and sunshine.

It hurts so bad.

The day I got divorced, I threw myself a party.... it was an incredible party at that. So what do I do today? Today’s the day I’m truly supposed to be over it. I mean, I want him to be happy. I’m glad he’s found someone else. Maybe I’m jealous? Yeah, I guess that’s part of it. I’m envious of the fact that he can move on so fast with someone else, yet I can’t even think of holding another dude’s hand without feeling nauseous. When you open yourself up to someone, you allow yourself to being susceptible to heartbreak. And it happens, as I understand and have experienced. .... and based on my experience, all people suck. They just want to use you and abuse you. I know, I’m a scored woman, so my opinion of men doesn’t really matter. But show me a good man and I’ll show you a good woman who can love him.... or at least try.

I’m afraid I’m not very articulate tonight. To be honest, I haven’t cried this much in months. I feel betrayed. Why? We aren’t together. I guess it’s about respect. 8 effing years.... and he’s already engaged in 8 months from our separation. Wow. It cuts deep.

My heart is so heavy. It’s been through so much. I’ve probably lost a whole 5 years of my life based on the trauma I’ve put my heart through the last 9 months.

As I’ve mentioned 13350493 times now, I have incredible people in my life. My best friend called and another stopped by (unannounced) the second they found out. They serve as reminders that there are a few decent people out there that have my best interest in mind.

Clearly it wasn’t meant to be for he and I. I’m okay with that. No, I’m more than okay with that. He’s “happy” and I know someday I will be too. It definitely won’t be in 8 months, but hey, there’s no real timeframe or time limit (as he’s so arrogantly demonstrated). I’ll get my chance. I’ll find a big beefy man who loves me for me. Who treats me like the queen I am. Someone who isn’t afraid of my personality. Someone who can hold their own, but who isn’t afraid of my accomplishments, dreams, or determination. A man who can hold my hand but who can also stand up for me. This man exists. Someday.

But until then, I’ll just curl up in my bed and wallow. Leave me the hell alone. I’m allowed to wallow. By tomorrow I’ll be back to Miss Independent status... let me feel weak for a moment. I am human after all.

Thank You...

2011-11-28T22:14:00.001-05:00

Thursday was Thanksgiving.... the first major holiday since the divorce. I thought it would be just fine, but I gave in and got a little sad. This time last year, I was in New York City, in the heart of Manhattan, watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. My best friend and parents drove down to spend the holiday with me and J. We went to J’s aunt’s house where about 25 people were gathered. I used to work for J’s uncle. He and I not only rode into the city together every day, but we also shared an office. That meant for a LOT of quality time spent together. We grew really close. He was like a surrogate father and mentor in both business and life. He’s the one that encouraged me to pursue consulting with other companies for strategic communications and social media. Needless to say, spending the holidays with that family was a joy. It was the best thanksgiving I had ever had by far. I loved that family. Truth being, I still do. Of course I miss them. I genuinely hope they’re doing well and that the business flourishes.

Naturally, this thanksgiving was a little depressing to me. The thought of going and spending the holidays with my family was so sad. J was always there. ALWAYS. Even when I didn’t want him to be. He was a little creeper. Just popping up out of no where. Sometimes, I miss that. Even more so, I wonder why I miss him at all if this was my decision. I was the one that made the decision to leave. I’m the one that packed up my car and left with only clothes and memories....leaving behind all the things that defined my success to that point. It was me. Not him. So why do I miss him, especially during the holidays that typically turned into a big fight about something stupid? Because I’m human. I know. I hate humans. Ugghh. So many feeeeelings. But the truth is, he was a part of my life for so long, important days, like holidays, revolved around time spent not only with one another, but also with each other’s families. We tend to forget that when a couple gets divorced, it is the separation of two families. And although relationships can be maintained regardless of the divorce, we all know that it will never be the same. So, as Thanksgiving got closer, I realized I needed to do something different so as to avoid holiday heartbreak.

This year, I spent it with my best friend and her family. It was a small gathering of only a few of us, but it couldn’t have been more perfect. The laughter, conversations, and fooooooood... oh boyyyy. It was perfect. And while I was sitting there, enjoying my third helping of sweet potatoes (HOLY DELICIOUSNESSSSS), I got to thinking.... I am the luckiest girl in the world. Now this is the part I know you’re all waiting for.... but I want to share the joys of my life. I share the heartbreak a lot, so I figured I’d share the joy as well. I know I’ve done a THANK YOU style post before, however... this one is a little different. There’s some serious name dropping going on. If you don’t want to be in this post, I’m sorry... but we’re friends for frig sake. of course you’d make it into one of these.

First and foremost..... my family.

Madre- the most beautiful woman I know. You’re the strongest, most interesting person in the world. I mean that with love, of course. I know you worry about me and as twisted as it sounds, I’m thankful for that. You’re a great mom. I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world, not even Janet Jackson ;). BOBDOW- the most incredible step padre a native girl could ask for. I know I never appreciated you at first, but as I’ve grown and matured, I genuinely credit you for saving our lives. You’re an amazing husband to mom and a great father to all of us. But please remember, we’re all crazy because of you. Just sayin. Krista- I know we haven’t been close in recent years, but I look up to you a lot. You take risks and aren’t afraid of anything.... very admirable. Beej- oh Beej, you’re fantastic. Thank you for tolerating me and all my craziness throughout the years. You know I keep things interesting... just admit it. Meg- You’re a beautiful soul. Thank you for cultivating my niece, who is the perfect child. Glow- we have our ups and downs, but at the end of the day, I think we have a mutual understanding. I love you and I’m glad you’ve found what you’ve been looking for. Donnie- my biggest little brother. I’m so proud of you. I love your quirkiness. Alora- Thank you for loving my brother so genuinely. You’re proof that love gives second chances. Dad- you’re the best man I know. I love you more than you’ll ever know or understand. Nat- you’re an amazing figure in the boys’ lives. I’m so thankful that they have you (and me too ;)). Thomas- I love our car rides, jamming out to Taio Cruz and you tolerating me singing at the top of my lungs. I’m proud of you boy. Keep your head in the game and you’ll go far. Al- everyone’s favorite little brother. What can I say? You are picked right out of Dad’s butt, so you pretty much make me laugh all day long whenever I’m around. I love my family. As dysfunctional we all are, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Secondly... Roomies <3

Becca- You know me better than anyone else...almost too well.... You have done so much for me that I honestly don’t know where I’d be without you (well, homeless for one...hahha). I’m so glad that we met that first day on freshman orientation and that we both had psycho roommates. Best decision ever. And I’m so glad that we’ve been reunited and that everything has worked out so well. It just feels so natural.

Phyllis- Well, Doc, you help me see life in a completely different light. I love making fun of people with you, accompanied by our long philosophical conversations and our therapy sessions. But most of all, I love that you make my best friend so happy. You’re a great dude. Y’all make me believe in love <3

Next.... the besties!

Cassandra- you’re one of my kind. I do not know a single person that is more like me than you.... which means you’re pretty awesome. BAHA. I’m hilarious. Which means you are too. hahha. Oh, I kill me. But for real, you’re phenomenal. By far the most beautiful person I know. I love your laugh, your optimism, your authenticity, and your killer dance moves. We’ve been through so much together. I’m so glad we experienced heartbreak at the exact same time, as sick and twisted as that may seem. TRIFECTA <3

Kyle- BFF. You’re amazing. You know me so well. I don’t even have to talk and you just get it. I am sooooo thankful you entered my life.

Megan- You’re such a great person. Our relationship may have changed, but you know I still love you. I’m happy you’re still in my life.

Biggie- Imagine if I never moved to Belfast? Our lives would be soooo empty! The memories we’ve made.... including Jackson, shaggy boys, Pauly D, crazy boys.... more boys. Hahaha. Big. We get into trouble together, but I love it. Including Julio Jr. Kamikazes. BAM. I miss you.

Work Friends!

Alexa- My little highlighter. You’re such a beautiful person, inside and out. You literally are one of the kindest women I know. I’m glad you were stuck in Maine all summer. Can’t wait to get crazy together again :)

Stephen J Smith- my favorite neighbor. Our shared love of music is what I like most about you. That and the fact that you’re half asian. You know how much I love bok choy. :)

Matthew- bake me a pecan pie, please. Just kiddddding. I am trying lose weight, not gain more from your incredible cooking skills. Anyway...you’re a very inspirational person. I haven’t met anyone else who enjoys life as much as you. You’re awesome. I’m so glad to know you.

Val- My soul sister. You inspire me to be a better person. We are so similar that it sometimes scares me. hahhaha. Can’t wait to run our half marathon in March... maybe March 2013? hahaha.

Linda- HE’S MARRIED!!!! Probably the funniest woman in the world! If I’m ever having a rough day, all I have to do is hear your laugh and it brightens my mood.

Carol- If I am half the woman/mother/friend you are, I know I will be doing well for myself. You’re incredible.

Eben- You’re one of my favoritestestestest. Let’s play spoons again soon :)

Ed- my voice of reason. you’re a cool dude. Glad I screwed up all my CCP machines at first or else we’d have no reason to communicate.

Art- My bocci partner. Told you that you’d make it to a blog post. Thanks for tuning in and for keeping life interesting and always keeping an eye on the HD for me ;)

Shellie- SHELL.... my booty wouldn’t be the same without you. HA. You’re fantastic. We need to love on one another more often. I miss our lunch dates.

Risely- You really helped to provide insight into the big D that is absolutely invaluable. I’m thankful for your friendship.

Courtney- hilarious girl! You make life so interesting! I LOVE your stories and your faces. You crack me right up!

Old Friends!

New York Friends- Shundiin and Serena. Beautiful, smart girls. You inspired me to make the best decision of my life. I owe it all to your encouragement and promotion of faith and strength.

Sierra- Daughter. My crazy, wild, daughter. It’s been quite the ride. Lots of interesting moments shared. hahhahha. whoops.

Hometown friends- Morgan, Katie, Hala, Saben, Jason; downeast lovin. So glad we’ve kept in touch. Life wouldn’t be the same without you.

Small, Tiffanie, Ashley, Morgan- my Portland girls. Y’all know how to have a good time. So glad we’ve been able to maintain a mutual love and respect for one another. Sisterhood forever.
Old School Friends- Sarah Rose and Faith- I love you girls so much. It's amazing to me that we've known each other since we were fetuses yet we still love one another. My life would literally be a completely different story if y'all weren't in it. You and your families changed me. Sorry I didn't mention it the first time, but know that I have so much love in my heart for you. I miss you.
Nana and Papa- You saved my life. You are the relationship I model how I want my next marriage to be after (if there is one, of course). You taught me how to survive, appreciate, but most importantly, how to love.
Toya- My girl. You know I love you. I'm your little pimento. You're a gorgeous woman who I admire greatly. Cannot express how much I miss you.
Ann- My favorite. I aspire to be like you. Ever since college where you scared the hell out of me, I know you had the kind of guts that I needed in order to survive in this market. I'm glad we've gotten our chance to exchange story ideas. We NEED to get back on track! I'm planning on getting famous, I don't know about you... ;)

Thennnn.... new friends!

Monica- Get it girrrrrl. You are phenomenal. The best dance partner I’ve ever had. So glad I got to meet you and facebook stalk you a bit. hahahaha. It’s allllll goooooood. Let’s make some memories together.

Ike- what can I say? We’re the same person. Except I’m brown and you’re Irish. I’ve enjoyed the opportunity to get to know you better the last few months. Wish we had more time, but it is what it is. Our shared love of ridiculous videos and consuela is what makes me smile more than anything else in this world. We’ll have our chance, I’m sure, guap.

Lionel- quit playing games, amigo. You know you’re my s’more. hahahhaaha. Get your snowsuit ready. I’m requesting a one piece.

So, I know I probably hurt some feelings by not including people in this post, but honestly, I cannot include every single person I know in this post. I have like 1,200 facebook friends, I’m not including y’all in on this. Sorry.

Now I think about what my life would be like if I hadn’t of moved back to Maine, I may never have gotten a chance to get to know a new family member, Joey.... or meet my perfect niece, Mackie <3 I would have never met my incredible Athena family nor would I have taken the time to get to know myself in such an intimate way. Sounds kinky. But anyway.... I have so much to be thankful for this season, so I figured I’d share that love with y’all. And just when I start to doubt myself or my decisions... I think to myself... I left that life for a reason. And looking back on all of the above memories and/or people I’ve met the last 9 months, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Tis the season. Amidst all this holiday chaos... shopping, cooking, cleaning.... I hope you find some time to reflect on the beauty of this season. And say thanks to those that have deeply affected your life, because the truth is, you wouldn’t be who you are without their influence... good or bad ; )

How to Love

2011-11-14T20:04:00.001-05:00

WARNING....this one is alllllll over the place. I refuse to organize it too. Lazy, I know. ...

I don’t know what’s going on with me today. I feel changes in my heart that I haven’t felt before. It’s all pretty insane. But this whole process is pretty crazy. I feel as though I’m entering a new phase of recovery. But before I get into that...

Let’s recap:

Adjustment Phase: adjusting to being single, but still feeling married. Awkward. Uncertain. Curious. Feeling liberated, but not fully free. The country music phase. Taylor Swift, you sure as hell can’t sing, but damn...your song writing skills are spot on.

Mourning Phase: once it finally sinks in that this is happening... mourning the loss of the relationship. Intense pain. Pain so thick that it lingers on every word, on every thought, on every feeling... I also refer to this as the Adele phase.

Angry Phase: why didn’t he fight for it? Am I not worth more than that? Sense of betrayal. Embarrassed. Also known as the Three Days Grace phase.

Miss Independent Phase: a natural transition- “flip him off” kind of emotions. liberation. Doing everything that couldn’t be done before. testing the waters. Keri Hilson phase.

Discovery Phase: learning about self. discovering new wonders and joys as a solo human. gaining confidence. feeling strength commence. learning its okay to be single. Ray LaMontagne.

....For the last couple months, I’ve been in Discovery. And although parts of the discovery will continue within this next phase, I’m starting to move on. How do I know? I woke up the other morning and realized a lot about myself. For the first time since March, I’m content. I am reflective, yet forward thinking. I’m finally able to open myself up.... not a lot, but just enough...

You want the truth? I’m not afraid to fall in love. I know love can be beautiful if it is shared between two individuals who maintain mutual respect and adoration. But it’s rare.

I don’t want to get hurt.

Getting hurt is what I’m afraid of.

And the more I put myself out there, the more likely I am to get hurt.

The last one I allowed in that deep did a lot of damage. But HEY.... that’s the reason it’s over, isn’t it? Not every man is like him. I have to remind myself of that everyday.

But I love a challenge... and I can’t allow myself to fall back. Putting myself out there is the ONLY way I’ll be able to take the next steps in life. And if it turns out the way it’s been projected.... it’s going to be a beautiful life.

I know I think too much. I try real hard to tell my brain to shut upppp, but it's rebellious.

Everyone has their own perception of how long it takes to move on after the dissolution of a relationship. I’ve heard it all. Some say it takes a couple months, others say it takes a bit longer, while some believe it could take years. Well, I’m not really interested in what works for other people. Clearly, we’re not all the same. There is no “Break Up Guide” that fits every situation. Every relationship is different. Because we’re all different. If you move from one relationship to another, that’s fine. Is it recommended? Probably not. But hell, who cares? As long as it works for YOU, go for it. That hasn’t been my angle, but I’d never discredit what has worked for others. What I’m trying to say is... I think this is my time. Will I be getting married next month? ....and you can quote me on this... HELL EFFIN NO. But it does mean I’m willing to put myself out there. Not for someone who doesn’t have the time or who wants to play the field for a while and keep me on the sidelines while he figures it out. Eff that. I’m special. You’re special. We’re all special. And we deserve to be treated like that.

If you’re scared too, let’s be scared together. Because two scared people hanging out sounds like a lot of fun..... uhhh.... yup. But really, know that you’re not alone. It’s a big, crazy world out there. It’s cold. It’s dark. It’s lonely. But being lonely doesn’t mean that you’re alone. I get it. ALL TOO WELL, TRUST. I have tasted more tears the last 8 months than I’m willing to admit, so I get it.

I’ve been hurt. No... that’s not even it. My heart has been destroyed. My whole life, every thing... my view of men, women, and just other humans in general has been so deeply tarnished, I doubt I’ll ever let anyone in like I used to. Sounds awful, I know, but to me, it’s a good thing. The less people you let in, the less people you’ll allow to hurt you. And plus, there are a lot of shitty people in this world... no need to waste your time.

The song by Lil Wayne “How to Love” was written for me.... and you too, I imagine.

Follow this YouTube link.. I tried to embed it, but evidently Blogger doesn't like that. So just copy and paste... sowwyyyyy....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Gf4-eT3w0&ob=av2e

My favorite part of the song is this...

“See, You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart

Never really had luck, couldn’t ever figure out

How to love, how to love

You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever

Now you in a corner tryna put it together

How to love, how to love

See, I just want you to know that you deserve the best, You’re beautiful

You’re beautiful

Yea, and I want you to know

You’re far from the usual, far from the usual”

You deserve happiness. I don’t care what you’ve done. I don’t care where you’ve been or what you’ve seen. It doesn’t matter who you’re family is, if you’re affluent or struggling, nor does it matter how many times you’ve had your heart broken. What matters is who you are. Are you a good person? Do you live your life with truth and respect? Are you humble and compassionate? Be true to yourself. You’re beautiful. Far from the usual. Weezy knows it, baby. If you don’t believe me, watch that video again. Appreciate your life. Take risks. If you meet a truly amazing person, allow yourself to fall in love. If your heart gets broken, you’ll be okay. I swear. It’s scary... but it’s worth it. Now watch me take my own advice and go out on a limb. Even if the limb breaks, it’s going to be a wild ride. Just wait.

Boyfriends Update

2011-11-08T20:22:00.001-05:00

Someone told me that my blog posts werent juicy enough lately.... guess being content doesn’t make for a lot of meaty, juicy, bloody steak. Well... I think I conjured up some meat.

***Boyfriends Update***

If you haven’t read the “Boyfriends” post, you need to go read it before this one will make sense.

So, are you curious of the status of these classy dudes? I know I am! So, two months (almost to the day) after the first post comes an inside look at my list of losers.

Diego: As I mentioned, nothing was going on with this dude as of two months ago. We tried to stay friends, but it just didn’t work. There’s just something about someone that cheats that makes you question their intent and honesty (who woulda thought). Anyway... he kept popping up on facebook, trying to chat. He’d ask to skype when his girl wasn’t home, but I just wasn’t having it. And one day, he popped up when I had just gotten bad news completely unrelated and I just laid into him. Needless to say, Diego and I are officially no longer speaking. Sorry, no one likes to be used, asshole. Find some other hoe to play games with. Not interested.

Cam: Well... I hadn’t heard from him since early September... then BAM! Last night, this dude reappears! It’s like he KNEW I was planning on writing this post. Well, anyway... to make a long story short, he pretty much confessed his love. again. OH BOYYYY.... GIVE ME A FRIGGIN BREAK. Then this guy tells me he feels like he missed his chance. Oh Really? Ya think? Agghhhh. Even though all of our communication was via facebook message, he would not lay off. Tried to make me feel guilty AGAIN for being the person I am. I’m not a push over. I refuse to change myself for anyone. No. Not again. Anyway... I blocked him. I changed my cell phone number. I moved. Now once I’m able to remove the chip he more than likely installed into my skin, I’ll be completely free of Cam. Good riddance. What a waste of time.

Derek: This was the tough one. I actually wrote that post like the day AFTER Derek and I had our conversation about ending our little fling. So, I was a little fired up. Two months later, where are Derek and I? Well, I think things are all good, for the most part. Are we as good of friends as we used to be? No, but it’s all good. And what about him and that girl? I guess they’re dating now??? Hmm. Weird. Slightly awkward.... but it gets less awkward everyday. I genuinely wish them the best. To be honest, I feel like I dodged a bullet... no offense, Derek, but we would have made an AWFUL couple. We are just WAYYYYY too different. It would have been like an lioness dating a emu. I’d eat you. Just sayin’...

So.... two months have passed....so there is another one. I know, I know. But I’m single, give me a break.

Brad: a guy I’ve been in communication with since March... we’ve hung out like once or twice. He looks like a movie star. I want to eat him (in a more pleasant way than the emu). He’s delicious. He’s extremely talented too. Pretty much the whole package. We get along really well. He lives out of state, but he comes back to Maine every once in a while. Well, every single friggin time he comes home (his family is in Maine), he texts and tells me he’s coming and wants to get together. Well guess what? It NEVER happens. Every single friggin time. He plays games. I’m not into games. Why go out of your way to tell me every single friggin time, then not even make an effort?! AHHHH. It’s ridiculous. Well, he was here a couple weeks ago. He told me he was here. I did not make an effort. I’m over it. My roommates hate him. BRAD is a swear word in our house.

As mentioned in the first boyfriend post, this list is not conclusive. I have had a couple experiences with nice guys that I’ve maintained pretty solid friendships with. So, naturally, they didn’t make it to the list of losers. And not to jinx myself, but I believe I’ve met my soulmate. Okay. I’m being dramatic. But for real, we all have one person that just gets you.... a really great friend who’s similarity to you is freakishly wonderful that you wonder where they’ve been your whole life. It’s definitely nothing serious at this time, but who knows? No rush. Even if it doesn’t develop into anything more, its the beginning to a beautiful friendship, which, at this point in my life, I value more than anything else. Wahooo.

Hope you enjoyed it. And if you didn’t... you can Go BRAD yourself.

Deal Breakers

2011-10-24T20:10:00.000-04:00

Okay, so... I’ve got a confession. I am sick. I am tired. But mostly, I am SICK AND TIRED of being asked ‘WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?’ Umm, hello, nice to meet you. Because, CLEARLY, if you’re asking me that question, you don’t really know me that well.

I recently had a conversation with my good friend, Cher, about how the majority of people settle down so quick. They settle with someone they think they can “make it work with”. MAKE IT WORK? EFF THAT. I’m awesome. I’m not lookin for someone to make it work with. What the hell does that even mean?

Ahhh. Why can’t people just be real? I don’t get it. I must have a disability or something, because I am literally incapable of being anything but what I am and who I am. This is not the norm, I’ve been told. Most people act differently at first, try to be whoever the other person wants them to be. Yeah, I get that to a certain degree, but it seems like this is a trend that lasts weeks, or even months. Don’t you get tired of being someone else? Sounds exhausting to me.

I am SO glad I didn’t jump from one thing to another. I ALMOST did, but looking back now, god am I glad. Singledom isn’t awful. Sure, it’s lonely sometimes, but is lonely all bad? It’s when you’re alone that you learn the most about yourself. Like, I’m talking authentic realizations. So, you’ve been scrambling your eggs everyday for the last 6 years.... now you discover, you like overeasy eggs. You don’t even LIKE scrambled eggs. They’re too wet and awkward and hang out in mouth awkwardly too long like that creepy religious neighbor who always tries to convert you. Just leave, please. Would you have been able to discover that with your partner? No. WHY? Because you were stuck in the comfortable world of scrambled eggs. No challenge there. Just pop em in the pan, stick a spatula in there and eff em up a bit, then BAM. done. But overeasy? Oh, those suckas take effort.

So, I decided to create a nice list, for those that are curious of DEAL BREAKERS and DEAL MAKERS for ALL of my future relationships.... friendships included.

Deal Breakers:

Improper grammar. Their, they’re, there... there’s a difference. Oh, and spelling too. Seriously? You can’t even spell “insane” right? chances are, you’ll annoy the hell outta me. Sorry, I need a little bit of intellectual stimulation. I’m not talking rocket science here, just common knowledge, maybe a bit more.
Hoes in different area codes. If your life resembles lyrics from pretty much any ludacris song = deal breaker.
Baby Mamas. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, however, I’m at the age where I need to start asking “do you have any children?” Because pretty much every one is popping kids out left, right, and center.... but mostly center. If you’ve got kids, that’s great! Awesome for you! But I’m not really ready to be anybody’s stepmom. So, unless there is a reallllyyyyy good reason as to why you have a child/aren’t with said baby mama, that’s currently a deal breaker for me.
Crazy ass. Yup, dealt with crazy stalkers that tracked my whereabouts before... and the truth is, I’m still recovering. Honestly, if you are THAT insecure in yourself and/or our relationship that you have to stalk the livin bejebles out of me.... done. DEAL BREAKER.

Deal Makers

Hilarious: I’m talking a combination of Adam Sandler (the late 90s Sandler), Chris Farley, Dane Cook (total perv= must), Noah Fielding, and Peter Griffin. Stacked.
Confident: Have confidence in who you are and what you’re capable of. If you don’t believe it, no one else will. Confidence is the sexiest trait in my book. If you want something, go for it. Be as great as you are.
Challenging: Challenge me. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. But mostly physically. Hahaahahhahaha. But for real. What good is a partner if they don’t encourage you to be the best you can be? Isn’t that the point of having a partner in life? Oh no, that's right. It's scrambled eggs. Put your fork down.
Suave. If you’ve ever had a REAL conversation with me, you know who my dream man is, Denzel. Mmm. He’s just so suave, so smooth, so perfect.

Yes, I am aggressive. That’s a turn on for some, a turn off for others. Some like submissive girls. Sorrrrry. Not my style. I know that I am a damn good wife. If I love you, I’d do anything for you, not because I have to, but because I want to. If I love you (yes, I’m talking to YOU), you know my language. I’m not playing this game. And those of you that are, what a waste! Why waste your time, your energy, and your love on someone who isn’t even a good match? Ahhh. So frustrating.

So, what happens when you meet someone exactly like you? Someone who thinks like you, shares the same views religiously and politically, who is on exactly the same page you’re on (even if you’ve skipped a few chapters)? What happens if you meet someone who challenges you, yet values you? Someone you share ridiculous inside jokes with but whom you can also share the fears and depths of your soul? Someone who brings out the best in you.... someone you look forward to hearing from? What happens then?

Someday I’ll find someone that loves me for everything I am. Who knows, maybe I already have? Hmmm.... guess we’ll all find out someday. But no rush. What is meant to be will always find its way... but you’d be crazy to think that I’m just gonna sit back and assume it's gonna happen. Silly rabbit.

The Backstreet Boys called...they asked you to quit playing games with my heart. Just sayin’.

Penitent

2011-10-11T22:02:00.000-04:00

So, I had a bad day. Wish I could pin point it, but I can’t. My job gets to me sometimes... I love the people I work with and the company I work for, but my job still annoys the hell outta me sometimes. I get so stressed, so invested. I got bad news today that I wouldn’t be able to go to a concert with one of my friends in NYC because of halloween at work. So of course that pissed me off. The clients were particularly finicky this afternoon and my usually supportive best friend ignored me all day, which you KNOW is gonna piss me off too. WAHHHH....

Anyway... I came home and wined to my roomies who listened, because they are friggin angels.... no, actually, I take that back. I think I bring excitement to their lives. Who needs Grey’s Anatomy when you can relive all of my dramatic moments? Oh boy. Oh well. They love it, I’m pretty sure.

When I’m stressed, I either workout, cook, write, or eat. I already had pumpkin ice cream with Becca and the gym closes at 8, so that really leaves one other option: write. So, I decided to finish a story I started a while back. All writers write from what they know... well, much of what I know is pain and confusion... and trust me, this story did not deviate from those feelings. WHY AM I SO DEPRESSING YOU ASK!? Well, if you’ve met me in person, I’m actually a happy-go-lucky, pretty fun girl! But I’m not retarded. I’ve lived a rather interesting life full of complete and total crazy drama... it’s like a lifetime movie, no joke. ANYWAY... every experience, whether good or bad, has taught me to be more thankful for each moment, because life is short, time is precious, and memories are beautiful reminders of a life LIVED.

anyway... the following short story (wicked short, might I add) is based on an inner battle fought by children of prisoners. It’s a careful articulation of the feelings of shame, guilt, and remorse felt and experienced from the “other side”.

Penitent

I didn’t stay in contact with him as much as I should have. I’d make excuses about how my life was so busy and I couldn’t possibly find the time to write or visit. But that wasn’t the truth. How long does it take to write a letter? Five or ten minutes? Not even a quarter of an hour to let the man know I was doing okay. I knew how much prisoners coveted letters. Then why? Why did I not take time to reassure him of my happiness?

Was it shame... or fear? Perhaps both.

He wasn’t the only one that suffered at the hand of the .22 that night. Because of his choices, we all suffered. I was the one there holding the family together, when all he did was tear it apart. I held my mother’s hand at my grandmother’s funeral. I walked my sister down the aisle. I taught my little brother how to throw a baseball. It could have been him. It should have been him. At ten-years-old, I became a man. I took his role, not because I wanted to, but because I had to.

How could I forget the torture my siblings and I endured at school? Kids can be so cruel. I’d hear them whisper ‘that’s the crazy man’s son’ as I’d walk by. One little asshole even got the courage to challenge me. “What are you gonna do, kill me like your daddy did?” I laid that fucker out. He never bothered me again. None of em did.

I glance up at him. He’s dressed in the suit he wore to his sentencing twenty years before. It’s gray. Not the dark and sophisticated gray business men appreciate, but a dull pewter hue you’d see peddlers on the street wearing. Regardless of his

archaic attire, he looks good. The puffiness and redness from years of alcohol abuse have long since descended from his cheeks. Forty pounds down with chiseled arms and a salt and pepper beard, he looks like a completely different man. So much so, that if I saw him on the street, I may not recognize him. But today, I know who he is. I know what he is. And regardless of the years I’ve had to work it through my mind, I still don’t know what to make of him.

It’s frustrating. It’s embarrassing. Why am I even here? When I was 8, I got suspended from school for kicking another kid between the legs. He started it. He told me my ninja turtle t-shirt was stupid. Poor kid didn’t stand a chance. One kick and down he went. Of course, the teachers didn’t appreciate my t-shirt either, because I got suspended. And where was my father when I was crying in the principal’s office? I have no idea, because he never came to pick me up. He left me to wallow in misery alone. Other fathers would have turned this situation into a learning opportunity, but not mine. Instead, he just acted like it never happened. I could have followed suit when it came to him, but I didn’t... and in this moment I’m not sure why.

For years, I acted like nothing even happened. I was fatherless, but it was okay. I didn’t talk about him. Much to my mother’s dismay, I didn’t go to therapy to discuss my feelings. It wasn’t real to me. None of it was.

The only photo I had was of him holding me as a baby. I kept it in a shoebox under my bed. When I was 10, it was hidden under soldier figurines and comic books. Years later, it was wedged between Playboy magazines and college acceptance letters. It made it with me to my fraternity house and somehow made it out as well. It was there with me as I worked my way through medical school. As the phases of my life changed, the photo stayed the same. I never replaced it with updated photos he’d send me from cultural days held at the prison or other photos my aunt would forward along. Keeping the other photos would be admitting the truth. The man in that photo was a father. The man he was after that was not.

The judge orders him to stand. It’s finally time... the verdict. After twenty years and two failed parole attempts, the time has come. Parole granted. Five years of his sentence diminished. He’s free. I can feel the color drain from my face. This has to be a joke. I watch as he stands, his lawyer shakes his hand, then he turns toward my direction. I look away. What do I do? I can feel him looking at me as he makes his way across the courtroom. When I finally get the courage to look up, he’s in front of me. Our eyes meet and he smiles softly. The wrinkles around his eyes are deep and defined. Although he lookers harder than ever before, there’s an air of gentleness about him.

“Son,” he says. I hesitate with a response.

“Dad,” I reply in acknowledgement. I examine him carefully. After several long moments of pause, he clears his throat. He’s nervous. He reaches out his hand as if he’s greeting a complete stranger, which doesn’t deviate far from the reality of our current situation.

“Thank you,” he says as he takes my hand. His words cut through me, stinging the taste buds of guilt and shame on my tongue. I am without words. I nod at him and release his hand, then turn to walk away. With each step I take, I can feel the sense of relief ascend from underneath years of built up pain and resentment. As much as I want him to stop me, he lets me go. For the last time, he lets me go and for that I’m grateful.

What I Love About Fall

2011-10-02T20:50:00.000-04:00

Evidently, I know how to throw a party.

Friday, September 30th, I celebrated my Independence with 35 incredible people. Wahooo. Yes, I threw myself a party... because I’m an independent woman and I can do things like that. But yeah... it was a really, really, really, really good time. If anyone didn’t have a good time, it was because they were either being responsible for someone else, or they weren’t invited. Ouch. But I had a great time!! WAHOOO. Thank you to all of those that came. For real, y’all are so much fun! LET’S RECAP. Dinner with some of my favorites. Then taking over Three Tides “We’ve heard of a Sonja...”.... yeah, that’s never good. hahaha. Thanks to my bocci partner for setting it up so I won! You’re the best! Thanks for all the drinks that were bought for me (and stolen by me, sorry Eb, I had no idea) as well as all the dance partners and escorts on the walk back (I wish I knew who Scott was, or I’d bring him to you...ahahhaa). Oh, and my little brown baby that keeps creepin on me. 80s Dance Party at the Lookout. BAHAHAH. Who knew Belfast could be so much fun?! And a special thanks to my roomies, bestie, Bee Eff Eff, and favorite neighbor for putting up with me at all times, even when you don’t want to.

Needless to say, Saturday and Sunday were very low key. All I did was sleep, read, write, cook, shop, and clean. Oh, I went for a run too! 5 miles! BAM! Now I’m listening to country music, which explains my mood... VERY low key. Normally I’m bustin out the dirty rap music to get me pumped for the week, but not today.

What I Love About Fall

This is my first fall in Maine since 2008! Holy mother lover, that’s a long time.... at least it feels that way. Let me tell ya, I love Maine in fall. I kinda love summer too. Actually, if I could live here from June through October, that’d be perfect. I know, I sound like a little old lady.... With my activities the last two days, you would think I’m about 70 years old.... which I’m actually really excited for... wheelchair races, switchin people’s teeth, wearing bright spandex pants and no one judges you.... livin the dream.

OKAY. Back to my top 10 reasons why fall is perfect. Becca, my FAVORITE ROOMIE (sorry Dr. Phil, but you know its true), helped me out with this one. SO. LET’S GET IT GONE.

Comenzar con el número diez.

10. Football. Okay, so, let me explain myself. I don’t even understand football. But both of my little brothers play football and I try really really REALLY hard to understand it. I finally understand what “First Down” means. TRIUMPH! So even though I don’t understand it (kinda like poker, yet my Dad plays professionally), it’s one of my favorite parts of fall because I like watching my boys have a good time.

9. Fall scented everything. Sweet baby buddha, fall smells delicious. I love it all, but my personal favorite are candles: autumn leaves, spiced pumpkin, macintosh apple, cloves... I could go on and on... mmm.

8. CHRISTMAS IS COMING. Need I say more?

7. Fall Shows! Wahoo! All my favorite shows are back! Including Grey’s Anatomy, Modern Family, The Office, Community, House, and CSI. But my FAVE, Lie To Me, was cancelled!? SAY WHAT!? Tim Roth is incredible. How does that happen, yet ANTM is on it’s 17th season?! (btw, Laura’s got it this time). Oh well. Now, if only Game of Thrones was on this fall, my life would be complete. Who am I kidding. I can barely follow a single one of these shows. Between work, gym, cooking, blogging, and dancing around my apartment, I barely have time for tv.... but I like to have the option. and boy oh boy do I. FINALLY. Drama that is not my own, right Derek? ;)

6. Skeletons, ghosts, bats, witches, uh, HALLOWEEEEN. DUH. I’m a retarded girl. I HATE scary movies because they scare the shit outta me. HOWEVER, I LOVE WATCHING THEM. Why, you ask? God, I don’t even know. But halloween is exactly the same, but It’s so much fun. The grim reaper, haunted houses, fog, big scary trees, monsters, vampires (that don’t sparkle, please), and dressing up like pirates, bumble bees, and the cast of mario kart. What ISN’T there to love about halloween?

5. The Farm. Apple picking and corn mazes!!!!! Apple Cider. Hay Rides. OH.EM.GEE. I know I’m 24 and I shouldn’t enjoy these things, but I do. Don’t judge. Actually, go ahead and judge, doesn’t really bother me, because I’ll be off riding ponies through the field having a dandy time, while you’re sitting here hanging out with your grandma, playing checkers drinking metamucil before bed.

4. Fall clothes. Fall fashion season is my favorite. Jeans (flares are back, friends!!!), boots, light sweaters, blazers, leggings, little hints of lace. Not to mention that Native American styles are SO IN for fall 2011 (that means I default to being awesome just because I have brown skin, NICE), as are plunging necklines and sexy leather harnesses. MEOW.

3. PUMPKINS. Becca LOVES pumpkins. As a matter of fact, she grew pumpkins this year, which is pretty amazing! I’ve never cared too much for gardening, but I pretended for Becca’s sake.... but I have to tell you, it’s pretty rad to watch stuff grow. ANYWAY... we love pumpkins. Carving them, eating, them, looking at them, lighting them on fire, throwing them at cars. Pumpkins are awesome.

2. Food. Baking. Cooking. Oh dear lord. Thanksgiving. Turkey. Pumpkin pie. Stuffing. Cranberry sauce. Mashed potatoes. GRAVY. Green bean casserole. Sweet potato pie. Turnips. Squash. Parsnips. Ham. Deviled eggs. Those little onions Bob Dow likes. nom nom nom. OH BOYYYY.

AND TIED FOR Numero UNO.....

Foliage and the tourists leave. Yes, I said it. Tourists. What the hell are you doing in Maine anyway? I know we have awesome lobster, moose, and patchouli that seems to bring y’all by the boatload, but please, if you visit, at least PRETEND you aren’t a complete and total weirdo. And goooooood lord, learn to drive. and walk. and pronounce. It’s BANG-OR, not BANG-ERRRR. ANYWAY.... back to the list. Leaves die in the fall. Watching those mofos suffer is a joy to behold each fall. For real, there’s nothing like fall in Maine. Racking leaves, jumping in them, then having to rack them again...(why don’t I ever remember this BEFORE I jump in them... idk). But really, one of my favorite things to do during the autumn season is drive around, blasting michael jackson and looking at the changing colors. It’s such a good reminder that although one thing must die to make room for something new, it’s still beautiful amidst the change. Kinda like life.

That’s all I’ve got, kids. Let me know what you think! Thanks for tuning in!

I’m starting a new trend at the bottom of each blog.... here it is:

Obsessed: Jenna Marbles and “Fancy” perfume by Jessica Simpson

Chef: Black Eyed Peas, Green Bean Casserole, and Rice Krispy Treats

Jam: “Dedication To My Ex” by Lloyd & Andre 3000

D-Day

2011-09-22T20:37:00.000-04:00

Oh Boy. I feel like I've been waiting for this day for the last 6 months and it's finally here. D-day...aka Divorce Day. Monday, September 26th, 2011 at 8:30 am, I will stand in front of the courts of Belfast, ME and declare myself legally single. Wow. This is no joke... you'd think I'd be more excited... but it's sad. Signing those papers for the last time will mean I am officially giving up and moving on.

Who am I without him? J has been in my life for 12 years. We were best friends for 4, dated for 4, and married for 4. Moving on in life without him means leaving behind everything we ever built together. Our future plans, the Saint Bernard we almost bought, our "coupled" friends, and the memories, Oh the memories. The road trip to Tennessee with my dad. Chasing tornados in Nashville. Krum, my stuffed cow, showing up everywhere because J would hide him in my stuff. Halo and COD parties with all of J's friends. Just simply laughing and enjoying life. We shared a lot of life together. I know I'm young and I still have a lot of life left to live, but today, I choose to be reflective... because not all of our relationship was bad. And now I have to decide what kind of life I'm going to lead on my own. Will I regress and try to be all that I never could be because I was married? Perhaps a little. But my hope is that I continue on a path of self-discovery that allows me to nurture growth through trials and strength in resilience. I'm learning. But I'm also living.

I've had a couple close friends ask (only a close friend would have the guts enough to ask this) "do you ever blame yourself?" My answer... yes. Of course. Maybe if I wasn't so discontented. Perhaps if I was able to be satisfied with a simple life, I'd still be happily married. But that's not me. Everything about me is complicated. YOU know this, you're reading my blog. You love the drama. Getting back on track... to be completely honest, I really enjoy a challenge. If you challenge me, chances are, we'll be friends. I'm kinda stubborn and overly confident... I flock like a June bug to a screen door (god, I'm so country) to those that challenge me. Bring it on, baby. Knock me down to size and I'll do that same for you. Meow.

Last night, I sat down with "Dr. Phil" and asked him 'Phil, what kind of guy do you think would be good for me?' You wanna know his answer? (Just to show you how intuitive this guy is, and exactly why I call him "Dr. Phil") He told me that I need someone who can make decisions for me. Someone who has a life path loosely defined that involves change and excitement. BAM. GENIUS. DUH. Of course, Philly! He's so smart! (Don't tell him that tho... ballooooon). Where you find these people, I'll never know, but its definitely been an interesting ride so far! (Just ask my best friends who have to hear about all this noise. hahahhahaha)

Well friends, wish me luck. It's been a rough couple of days trying to adjust to the idea of it being official. I mean, its so....what's the word... ah forget it...OFFICIAL, scaaaaaary, final, over....failure. But I'm working through it with the help of amazing roommates, an incredible best friend, wonderful bestie, and awesome BFF. I love y'all. Thank you for teaching me to love myself. XoxoX

My next post will be inspired by my girl, Val. Maybe even a little guest blogging. Gotta start steering away from talking about such heavy stuff.... makes my heart hurt. Let's talk trash! Yeah, that's always fun! Stay tuned amigos.

The "Other" Breakup

2011-09-13T22:15:00.000-04:00

This is a tough one I've been struggling with for a while now... people keep asking me about it, so I figured MIGHT AS WELL WRITE A BLOG POST ABOUT IT.... yeah, cuz that's effective. hahaha. Oh well. Here I am. So STOP ASKING DAMNIT.

Keep this in mind as you read the rest of the post: I read a story the other day about a bird trap in India, a platform that turns upside down when a bird lands on it. The upside-down bird believes she'll die if she lets go of the platform, so she clings to it until the hunter comes and carries her away. To escape, all she needs to do is let go. Then she'll fly.

Okay... let's get to it... but first, here's a little back story... This is going to be all over the place, but it will come together, I promise. At least, I hope so. So bare with me.

Over two years ago, J and I moved to Nashville, Tennessee. Waaahoooo. I can still hear the southern twang and smell the BBQ. mmm. Anyway... when we moved there, J started working and thought it was cool if I stayed home for a couple months. I was down for that. I had just graduated college and I was trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life. Well, I decided I'd take those couple months and turn them into life-changing memories. Umm... yeah.... I succeeded. But not quite in the way I intended.

In July 2009, I wrote my memoir, "My Five Fathers." Sounds all happy and jolly, right!? OMG. SO WRONG. By writing these stories, I had to relive the darkest, saddest days of my childhood. Days filled with drugs, alcohol, abuse, depression, suicide, prison, neglect, and fear. Days of complete darkness... By September 2009, when every "t" had been crossed and every "i" had been dotted, I was completely and utterly exhausted.... but so relieved. By writing and reliving those memories, I was finally able to come face to face with pain I had buried deep within myself for years. It strengthened me. Gave me wings. And I am so thankful to J for encouraging me to take that time, because it changed my life.

That being said... I have more craziness to deal with... this time, it's my own doing. I can't point my finger and say "Why did you do this to me!?" Nope. Not this time. I did this to me. I made these decisions. I need to take ownership for them. Well, here it goes... let the public stoning begin...

I've only had one relationship that's lasted longer than J and I (as if 8 years isn't long enough... wowsss). This relationship started when I was about 12 and grew really intense around the time I was 16, the same time J and I started dating. The relationship progressed and by the time I was 20, I made every single decision in relation to this relationship. It wasn't until about January of 2011 that I started to doubt where this courtship was going. And just as the foundation cracked, so did my faith.

Part of my breakup with J has included my total and utter rebellion. I haven't just tested the waters... I have swam in the friggin Pacific (maybe even the Atlantic too... but that's TBD). Well, part of this rebellion has been rejecting every thing that reminds me of J. I'm not kidding. Every single thing that J liked, I decided I didn't like. Politics for example. J is a DIE HARD conservative. So what am I? Oh, don't even act like you don't know... pretty friggin liberal. And since we're on the topic, let's stop being legalistic and ignorant and legalize gay marriage, because gay people deserve the right to be as miserable in marriage as straight people. Just sayin'. ANYWAY.... another major topic has been... yup, you guessed it, religion. GASP. I know, I'm not supposed to talk about this. And trust me, this will be the only time I do.... but I had to get it off my chest.

My religion defined me. I clung to it like a child clings to her father's leg when he tries to drop her off at daycare. I hung on tight, refusing to let go because I was afraid. Some days it seemed easier to hold on... easier than admitting that the world is bad, people are evil, and life is unfair. I wore my rose-colored glasses and smiled, because as a Christian, that's what I was told to do. I became a snob. "Be in the world, but not of it." Oh, I LIVED that verse. TRUST. I started cutting people off that "weren't like me". I'd blame it on society and how corrupted people were, not realizing that I too was screwed up. Then one day.... I woke up.

So, I broke up with God. Breaking up with him meant losing everything I had built my life on up to that point. My marriage, career, friends...It was devastating. So devastating, in fact, that I moved back to Maine. Yeah... might as well make myself MORE depressed... haha jk, friends! I know, this isn't funny. But I don't do well with this awkwardness... so turtlish. Regardless, I had to decide what I wanted for myself. Idk why I'm writing in the past tense... I NEED to decide what I'm going to do. This is a major breakup. TWO major breakups occurring simultaneously. If I don't go up in flames, I'll be surprised. No pun intended.

Almost daily I am asked "What can I do to pray for you" or "Have you found a church in Belfast?" I appreciate the concern, I really do, but I need to figure this out on my own. For 12 years I've just listened to what others have told me. My faith was built on false pretenses. Now, I need to discover the truth for myself. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God as a creator... it's the idea of religion I struggle with, but even THAT I want to decide on my own.

I've lost a lot of friends. Ppl don't know what to say or how to react, so they don't or they turn their backs. Even worse is when I get bombarded with messages (FB messages, mind you... c'mon, for real?) about how terrible of a person I am for making this decision. Sounds absurd, right? Well, I've gotten quite a few. One common thing among them all? They're all preachin the gospel. Jesus says to love your sisters, not shove your ignorant, unfounded rants down their throats during their time of need. Don't tell me how I'm supposed to feel, don't tell me how your religion thinks my marriage/divorce is supposed to be, keep your opinions to yourself. I don't force MY faith down your throat, do I? "But Sonja, you don't have faith, remember? What a lonely, desperate life you must lead." Bullshit. I feel more free now that I've decided to spread my wings than when my wings were clipped of all their beauty. PLEASE don't get my wrong.... I value faith. I think faith is required in most things... especially relationships. What I struggle with is those that are force feeding me scripture in hopes that I'll turn from my wicked ways. Sorry, but I've been told that I am supposed to stay in a marriage regardless of how unhappy I am.... all because of my religion. If that's the truth, that's not the religion for me. Especially a religion built on the foundation of LOVE. Regardless... this is something I need to find out for myself. I may end up back where I started, but at least I made the journey and learned truth through the trials.

One last thing, then I'll leave you poor people alone... a poem that rings true to me in this moment. Enjoy :)

Love After Love
The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.
-Derek Walcott

Next post won't be so heavy. I promise. But thanks for sticking with me! I'm quite the ranter, aren't I? Ah well. Time for bed. I have a test tomorrow! Ahhhhh!!!

Boyfriends

2011-09-07T20:25:00.000-04:00

This has come to be a joke between me and my closest friends. Evidently I'm a playa who just can't get enough. This is SO not true. I only have 6 boyfriends. NBD. YEAH RIGHT. I FRIGGIN WISH. Nope, actually, I retract that. I definitely DO NOT want 6 boyfriends. God, I can't even handle one. Jeeeez. But yeah, the joke comes from boys (note the word BOYS, not men BOYS) that have been talking to me. It's kind of hilarious, actually. Life's a trip, let me tell ya! I can't even handle it. But these are the disasters... so, if you're on my good side, you didn't make it into this post. So, you want to hear about them?! OKAY!

Names have been changed to protect the guilty.... Don't worry, I'll post photos, facebook profile page links, and home addresses in a later post. HHAHAHAHA. omg. I'm so funny.

DIEGO: a guy I was head over heels in lust with in high school. Man oh MAN did I find this guy hot. My BFF Bri and I would go to his baseball games just so I could watch his.... uhhh... form? He was pretty. Well, when he found out I was single and READY TO MINGLE... he decided he wanted to hang out. Well, after fulfilling my lifelong dream of some Diego love, guess what I find out!? The asshole has a girlfriend. I kinda had a feeling, but he never mentioned her, so I wasn't so sure..but damnit. ....Needless to say, I decided not to be "that girl"... because that's a really shitty thing to do to someone.... I've been cheated on before, I know how crappy it feels.... anyway... I wanted to try to remain friends, regardless of how awkward that could be, but it didn't really work and he broke my little bleeding heart. Actually, he kinda ripped it out, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it (I think he was trying to make jam, the old fashioned way). So, we're not friends any more. Sad.

CAM: Now this guy was a trip. He was in LOVE with me. Like, really? You know me for three months and you want to run away together? I may be young but I'm not f'ing retarded. Anyway... Good ol Cam is a good 10 years older than me. Barely even knew him, was NOT dating him, but he flips a LID when he finds out I have facebook friends. REALLY BUDDY!? I don't even know what to say to that one. Pretty much a crazy jealous guy that STILL wants to make it work. Make WHAT work? I don't know. Ugh, give it a rest, playa, no one likes you. Ah well. At least he tried. Kinda.

DEREK: This is the doozy. The most recent. The one that stings a bit. Even more than Diego. This boy was a great friend that I never intended to be anything other than a friend but then BAM, out of the blue, I develop feelings (Because I'm a girl who never learns lessons). So, I share my feelings with Derek and what does he do? Hooks up with another girl the NEXT DAY. Wow, D, WOW. Way to go. Teach me to share my life ever again. Sheesh. I guess what hurts about this one is the fact that I shared a lot with him, we became really great friends. I can get over losing a potential "boyfriend" or whatever, but the thought of losing a great friend is what hurts, because Idk if we can be friends after this. The sheer disrespect of hooking up less than 24 hours after I pour myself out (couldn't have waited a month, a week, or even a few days? goooodnesssss). This is what kills me. SIGH* Sorry, this one is still fresh and tears me up a bit. But at the end of the day, I know I'm not the one missing out. I'm pretty awesome.

So, that's the latest update of losers/sadness in my life... it's not conclusive. But I figured... the fall shows haven't started yet, so we're all dying for a little drama in our lives. Well, friends... I have enough drama for all of us. Any of you who know me from high school or college know that this life is very foreign to me. I used to be so boring, completely drama-free. Well, I WAS married at 20, so I played house for a few years... now it looks like I'm making up for lost time. Lots of lessons to be learned. And I seem to learn them all the hard way.... whoops.

The Big "D"

2011-09-07T19:32:00.000-04:00

So, everyone's been asking over the last several months about J and I.... are we still together? What happened? Why? Who did it? Was anyone else involved? Where is he? What's going on? .... the questions just keep rolling in... and it's been 6 months now... So, this is the initial reason why I started this blog. I was going to call it the DIVORCE CHRONICLES (which answers the first question)....but my life doesn't just revolve around divorce. I mean, yeah... I guess it kinda does... but not JUST the divorce. What's affecting me now is the consequences of it. It's scary shit.

I'm not going to answer all the questions... because that's just obnoxious. What I will say is this... J and I are no longer together as of March 2011. After 8 years of being together, we respectfully and out of love for one another as individuals decided to part ways. He is an amazing guy that I know will make some woman very happy someday. I honestly can't say many bad things about the guy. We both made decisions that affected our relationship in such a way that continuing on as a married couple was not really an option. I know of many out there that think otherwise. But FORGET YOU. No one knows what happens in a marriage aside from the two that are a part of it. You may believe what you want to believe and base your judgements off of your "moral standards" or "religious foundation" that marriage is meant to last forever, no matter what.... but you're wrong. Sorry to break it to you.

So, what happened??? In May, I left New Jersey with nothing but the clothes on my back. I had to get out. I felt like I was drowning in uncertainty. I was suffocating. Scratching. Clawing my way out of a box I had been placed in for years. I was told to feel, pray, think, believe, and be a certain way that eventually I lost sight of who I really was. Obviously I made this decision out of free will, but eventually it got to the point that I didn't feel like I had a choice any longer. I was brain washed to believe things about myself, about my culture, my past, my future...everything... I was made to believe that everything was wrong....

Then one day in March, it all clicked for me. Like a touch lamp illuminating a dark room with a single stroke, I became enlightened. The first touch came from two women I worked with at a non-profit organization in New York City. Two beautiful, strong, independent women working and living in the city who inspired and encouraged me to be true to my native soul and fly free. To this day, I'm not sure they know how much I appreciated their love and support.
The next flicker of light came from my family. As mentioned earlier, in May, I got into my car and drove home exactly two years to the day since I had driven away. It was bittersweet... I had not a single thing to my name, but what I didn't have in material things, my family made up for me with love. My mother, stepfather, aunts, uncles, cousins, dad, and brothers all showered me with love, adoration and support I had never experienced before in my life. I can't even count the amount of times I heard "I'm not surprised" when others were told about my "d". .... how nice. Couldn't y'all have mentioned that to me FOUR YEARS AGO BEFORE I GOT FRIGGIN MARRIED?! good lord. Just kidding... kinda.

The final stroke came in June, when I got the job in Belfast, Maine. Yes. I went from being a contractor for several businesses in New York City to working in Belfast, Maine... where there isn't even a Target within 30 miles. ..... WHAT?!?#@!%$#^#@ Trust me, it didn't make sense to me either... but at the time, I was just looking for a job, any job, that could get me on my feet again. When I left New Jersey, I left with nothing... not because J was keeping it all from me, but because I needed to start new. Well guess what friends? NEW is definitely what I got. New friends, New job, New area, New roommates, New car, New New New. It's overwhelming. AHHHH. But anyway... my roommate from college got me a job at this cool place, which I won't name, because I dont' wanna get sued if I ever become famous... just sayin'. Becca is her name... her boyfriend's name is Phil, but I'll call him all kinds of fun things throughout this blog, because Phil is a fungi. hahha. GET IT. okay. lame. whatever. Anyway... I'm like a goldfish tonight, I keep getting distracted. Becca and Phil not only got me a job, they ALSO let me live with them! Wahooo! Little did they know what they were getting into... good one. hahaha. But on a serious note, I moved in, started working and let me tell you... not only do I have amazing roommates that put up with a lot of drama and tears (lots of laughs and family dinners too... can't forget all the happy times!) but I have an incredible job. Well, let me retract that... the job itself isn't really my thing... just ask my clients. hahaha. poor guys. But the community in which I work within is awesome. They're great people who support, encourage, and teach one another to be more tolerant, honest, and joyful not only in their professional lives, but also in their personal lives. I've made some amazing friends here that I know will carry over long after I leave this area, whenever that may be. And to top it all off, I'm still living with my best friends. Becca, who has spent hours letting me cry into her arms about everything and nothing all at once. This girl is remarkable, there truly is no one like her in this world. Whether we're baking all day, watching scary movies, facebooking each other, or walking across the bridge at night, we always have a great time. And Phil. Oh, Phil. I might as well refer to him as Dr. Phil because he counsels me. Sad, but true. Whether we're discussing politics, rap music, or how bad I am at dating, Phil always seems to have an answer. He's usually right too (but Becca and I don't tell him this...because his head is already inflated as it... haha jk, Phillip!) ...but shhh! seriously... don't let him know.

I also can't forget all the other amazing people that have been so supportive and loving through this all. Megan. Cassandra. Sierra. Smalls. Ashley. Tiffanie. Dad. Thomas. Alex. Nat. LaToya. Ben. Ann. And not to mention the great friends I've made at work including Alexa, Kyle, Val, Sarah, MN.... Don't know where I'd be without y'all. Many, many more. I can't name you all, but you know what you do to me ;)

I know this blog post turned into a THANK Y'ALL SPREAD THE LOVE kinda thing...but I did feel like I need to pay some recognition to those that have been so supportive through all this craziness. And trust me...as I start to actually post what I intend...it's gonna get wild. I know I keep saying that.. but I need some help....

Welcome to the Jungle

2011-09-05T14:50:00.001-04:00

Hey y'all!

So, here's the deal... this is my blog. You're probably reading it because you're interested in my thoughts and feelings. Well, guess what!? That's all this thing is going to be... so creepers will LOVE it. <-- Truth. Anyway, I'll cover all my favorite things: music. fitness. fashion. cooking. and writing. Oh, and of course there will be coverage of the big D and dating for the first time in my life (and failinggggg miserably... haha, where do I FIND these guys?!) So, stay tuned.... it's gonna get wild. Me-ow.

Why QUARTER LIFE? Well, I'm 24, almost a quarter of a century old, in the pinnacle for my quarter life years... the years of discovery, mistakes, love, mystery, and tears. This little network documents all of those feelings. And then some.