Boyfriends Update

Someone told me that my blog posts werent juicy enough lately.... guess being content doesn’t make for a lot of meaty, juicy, bloody steak.  Well... I think I conjured up some meat.

***Boyfriends Update***

If you haven’t read the “Boyfriends” post, you need to go read it before this one will make sense.  

So, are you curious of the status of these classy dudes?  I know I am!  So, two months (almost to the day) after the first post comes an inside look at my list of losers.  

Diego: As I mentioned, nothing was going on with this dude as of two months ago.  We tried to stay friends, but it just didn’t work.  There’s just something about someone that cheats that makes you question their intent and honesty (who woulda thought).  Anyway... he kept popping up on facebook, trying to chat.  He’d ask to skype when his girl wasn’t home, but I just wasn’t having it.  And one day, he popped up when I had just gotten bad news completely unrelated and I just laid into him.  Needless to say, Diego and I are officially no longer speaking.  Sorry, no one likes to be used, asshole.  Find some other hoe to play games with.  Not interested.

Cam: Well... I hadn’t heard from him since early September... then BAM! Last night, this dude reappears! It’s like he KNEW I was planning on writing this post.  Well, anyway... to make a long story short, he pretty much confessed his love. again. OH BOYYYY.... GIVE ME A FRIGGIN BREAK.  Then this guy tells me he feels like he missed his chance.  Oh Really?  Ya think?  Agghhhh. Even though all of our communication was via facebook message, he would not lay off.  Tried to make me feel guilty AGAIN for being the person I am.  I’m not a push over.  I refuse to change myself for anyone.  No. Not again.  Anyway... I blocked him.  I changed my cell phone number.  I moved.  Now once I’m able to remove the chip he more than likely installed into my skin, I’ll be completely free of Cam.  Good riddance.  What a waste of time.

Derek: This was the tough one.  I actually wrote that post like the day AFTER Derek and I had our conversation about ending our little fling.  So, I was a little fired up.  Two months later, where are Derek and I?  Well, I think things are all good, for the most part.  Are we as good of friends as we used to be?  No, but it’s all good.  And what about him and that girl?  I guess they’re dating now???  Hmm. Weird.  Slightly awkward.... but it gets less awkward everyday.  I genuinely wish them the best.  To be honest, I feel like I dodged a bullet... no offense, Derek, but we would have made an AWFUL couple.  We are just WAYYYYY too different.  It would have been like an lioness dating a emu.  I’d eat you.  Just sayin’...

So.... two months have passed....so there is another one. I know, I know.  But I’m single, give me a break.

Brad: a guy I’ve been in communication with since March... we’ve hung out like once or twice.  He looks like a movie star.  I want to eat him (in a more pleasant way than the emu).  He’s delicious.  He’s extremely talented too.  Pretty much the whole package.  We get along really well.  He lives out of state, but he comes back to Maine every once in a while.  Well, every single friggin time he comes home (his family is in Maine), he texts and tells me he’s coming and wants to get together.  Well guess what?  It NEVER happens.  Every single friggin time.  He plays games.  I’m not into games.  Why go out of your way to tell me every single friggin time, then not even make an effort?! AHHHH. It’s ridiculous.  Well, he was here a couple weeks ago.  He told me he was here.  I did not make an effort.  I’m over it.  My roommates hate him.  BRAD is a swear word in our house.  

As mentioned in the first boyfriend post, this list is not conclusive.  I have had a couple experiences with nice guys that I’ve maintained pretty solid friendships with.  So, naturally, they didn’t make it to the list of losers.  And not to jinx myself, but I believe I’ve met my soulmate.  Okay. I’m being dramatic.  But for real, we all have one person that just gets you.... a really great friend who’s similarity to you is freakishly wonderful that you wonder where they’ve been your whole life.  It’s definitely nothing serious at this time, but who knows?  No rush.  Even if it doesn’t develop into anything more, its the beginning to a beautiful friendship, which, at this point in my life, I value more than anything else.  Wahooo.    

Hope you enjoyed it.  And if you didn’t... you can Go BRAD yourself. 

:) 

Deal Breakers

Okay, so... I’ve got a confession.  I am sick.  I am tired.  But mostly, I am SICK AND TIRED of being asked ‘WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?’  Umm, hello, nice to meet you.  Because, CLEARLY, if you’re asking me that question, you don’t really know me that well.

I recently had a conversation with my good friend, Cher, about how the majority of people settle down so quick.  They settle with someone they think they can “make it work with”.  MAKE IT WORK? EFF THAT.  I’m awesome.  I’m not lookin for someone to make it work with.  What the hell does that even mean?  

Ahhh. Why can’t people just be real?  I don’t get it.  I must have a disability or something, because I am literally incapable of being anything but what I am and who I am.  This is not the norm, I’ve been told.  Most people act differently at first, try to be whoever the other person wants them to be.  Yeah, I get that to a certain degree, but it seems like this is a trend that lasts weeks, or even months.  Don’t you get tired of being someone else?  Sounds exhausting to me.

I am SO glad I didn’t jump from one thing to another.  I ALMOST did, but looking back now, god am I glad.  Singledom isn’t awful.  Sure, it’s lonely sometimes, but is lonely all bad?  It’s when you’re alone that you learn the most about yourself.  Like, I’m talking authentic realizations.  So, you’ve been scrambling your eggs everyday for the last 6 years.... now you discover, you like overeasy eggs.  You don’t even LIKE scrambled eggs.  They’re too wet and awkward and hang out in mouth awkwardly too long like that creepy religious neighbor who always tries to convert you.  Just leave, please.  Would you have been able to discover that with your partner?  No.  WHY? Because you were stuck in the comfortable world of scrambled eggs.  No challenge there.  Just pop em in the pan, stick a spatula in there and eff em up a bit, then BAM. done.  But overeasy?  Oh, those suckas take effort.  

  

So, I decided to create a nice list, for those that are curious of DEAL BREAKERS and DEAL MAKERS for ALL of my future relationships.... friendships included.  

Deal Breakers:

1. Improper grammar.  Their, they’re, there... there’s a difference.  Oh, and spelling too.  Seriously? You can’t even spell “insane” right?  chances are, you’ll annoy the hell outta me.  Sorry, I need a little bit of intellectual stimulation.  I’m not talking rocket science here, just common knowledge, maybe a bit more.
2. Hoes in different area codes.  If your life resembles lyrics from pretty much any ludacris song = deal breaker.
3. Baby Mamas. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, however, I’m at the age where I need to start asking “do you have any children?” Because pretty much every one is popping kids out left, right, and center.... but mostly center.  If you’ve got kids, that’s great! Awesome for you!  But I’m not really ready to be anybody’s stepmom.  So, unless there is a reallllyyyyy good reason as to why you have a child/aren’t with said baby mama, that’s currently a deal breaker for me.  
4. Crazy ass.  Yup, dealt with crazy stalkers that tracked my whereabouts before... and the truth is, I’m still recovering.  Honestly, if you are THAT insecure in yourself and/or our relationship that you have to stalk the livin bejebles out of me.... done. DEAL BREAKER.  

Deal Makers

1. Hilarious: I’m talking a combination of Adam Sandler (the late 90s Sandler), Chris Farley, Dane Cook (total perv= must), Noah Fielding, and Peter Griffin.  Stacked.   
2. Confident: Have confidence in who you are and what you’re capable of.  If you don’t believe it, no one else will.  Confidence is the sexiest trait in my book.  If you want something, go for it.  Be as great as you are.      
3. Challenging: Challenge me.  Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. But mostly physically.  Hahaahahhahaha. But for real.  What good is a partner if they don’t encourage you to be the best you can be?  Isn’t that the point of having a partner in life?  Oh no, that's right.  It's scrambled eggs.  Put your fork down.   
4. Suave.  If you’ve ever had a REAL conversation with me, you know who my dream man is, Denzel. Mmm.  He’s just so suave, so smooth, so perfect.

Yes, I am aggressive.  That’s a turn on for some, a turn off for others.  Some like submissive girls.  Sorrrrry. Not my style.  I know that I am a damn good wife.  If I love you, I’d do anything for you, not because I have to, but because I want to.  If I love you (yes, I’m talking to YOU), you know my language.  I’m not playing this game.  And those of you that are, what a waste!  Why waste your time, your energy, and your love on someone who isn’t even a good match?  Ahhh. So frustrating.  

So, what happens when you meet someone exactly like you?  Someone who thinks like you, shares the same views religiously and politically, who is on exactly the same page you’re on (even if you’ve skipped a few chapters)?  What happens if you meet someone who challenges you, yet values you?  Someone you share ridiculous inside jokes with but whom you can also share the fears and depths of your soul?  Someone who brings out the best in you.... someone you look forward to hearing from?  What happens then?   

Someday I’ll find someone that loves me for everything I am.  Who knows, maybe I already have? Hmmm.... guess we’ll all find out someday.  But no rush. What is meant to be will always find its way... but you’d be crazy to think that I’m just gonna sit back and assume it's gonna happen.  Silly rabbit.   

The Backstreet Boys called...they asked you to quit playing games with my heart.  Just sayin’.   

Boyfriends

This has come to be a joke between me and my closest friends.  Evidently I'm a playa who just can't get enough.  This is SO not true.  I only have 6 boyfriends. NBD.  YEAH RIGHT. I FRIGGIN WISH.  Nope, actually, I retract that.  I definitely DO NOT want 6 boyfriends.  God, I can't even handle one.  Jeeeez.  But yeah, the joke comes from boys (note the word BOYS, not men BOYS) that have been talking to me.  It's kind of hilarious, actually.  Life's a trip, let me tell ya!  I can't even handle it.  But these are the disasters... so, if you're on my good side, you didn't make it into this post.  So, you want to hear about them?! OKAY!


Names have been changed to protect the guilty.... Don't worry, I'll post photos, facebook profile page links, and home addresses in a later post.  HHAHAHAHA. omg. I'm so funny.


DIEGO: a guy I was head over heels in lust with in high school.  Man oh MAN did I find this guy hot.  My BFF Bri and I would go to his baseball games just so I could watch his.... uhhh... form? He was pretty.  Well, when he found out I was single and READY TO MINGLE... he decided he wanted to hang out.  Well, after fulfilling my lifelong dream of some Diego love, guess what I find out!?  The asshole has a girlfriend.  I kinda had a feeling, but he never mentioned her, so I wasn't so sure..but damnit.  ....Needless to say, I decided not to be "that girl"... because that's a really shitty thing to do to someone.... I've been cheated on before, I know how crappy it feels.... anyway... I wanted to try to remain friends, regardless of how awkward that could be, but it didn't really work and he broke my little bleeding heart.  Actually, he kinda ripped it out, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it (I think he was trying to make jam, the old fashioned way).  So, we're not friends any more. Sad.  




CAM: Now this guy was a trip.  He was in LOVE with me.  Like, really? You know me for three months and you want to run away together?  I may be young but I'm not f'ing retarded.  Anyway... Good ol Cam is a good 10 years older than me.  Barely even knew him, was NOT dating him, but he flips a LID when he finds out I have facebook friends.  REALLY BUDDY!? I don't even know what to say to that one.  Pretty much a crazy jealous guy that STILL wants to make it work.  Make WHAT work?  I don't know.  Ugh, give it a rest, playa, no one likes you.  Ah well.  At least he tried.  Kinda.  




DEREK: This is the doozy. The most recent. The one that stings a bit. Even more than Diego. This boy was a great friend that I never intended to be anything other than a friend but then BAM, out of the blue, I develop feelings (Because I'm a girl who never learns lessons).  So, I share my feelings with Derek and what does he do? Hooks up with another girl the NEXT DAY. Wow, D, WOW.  Way to go. Teach me to share my life ever again. Sheesh.  I guess what hurts about this one is the fact that I shared a lot with him, we became really great friends.  I can get over losing a potential "boyfriend" or whatever, but the thought of losing a great friend is what hurts, because Idk if we can be friends after this. The sheer disrespect of hooking up less than 24 hours after I pour myself out (couldn't have waited a month, a week, or even a few days? goooodnesssss).  This is what kills me.  SIGH* Sorry, this one is still fresh and tears me up a bit.  But at the end of the day, I know I'm not the one missing out.  I'm pretty awesome. 


So, that's the latest update of losers/sadness in my life... it's not conclusive.  But I figured... the fall shows haven't started yet, so we're all dying for a little drama in our lives.  Well, friends... I have enough drama for all of us.  Any of you who know me from high school or college know that this life is very foreign to me.  I used to be so boring, completely drama-free.  Well, I WAS married at 20, so I played house for a few years... now it looks like I'm making up for lost time.  Lots of lessons to be learned.  And I seem to learn them all the hard way.... whoops.