No Rainbow Without Rain

Prepare yourself, this one is slightly lengthy...

I know, I know... It’s been a good two months since I wrote anything.  To be honest, it’s your fault.  The pressure was just too much.  Haha, just kidding.  But really... I just needed a little break.  As it turns out, sharing your life with the public can cause you a little bit of scrutiny from time to time.  Who woulda thought!?  Anyway, I decided to take a rest from sharing.  Life got a little crazy and I just didn’t need everyone watching my every move again.  Not in that moment at least.

To be honest, I got a little creeped out.  I have a lot of friends.  I went to two high schools, two colleges, I’ve lived in three states, and I have 52 cousins on my mom’s side (I know, right!? Who does that?)  Facebook has been kind of essential in keeping track of everyone as well as keeping in touch with my loves.  So, my facebook friend listing is slightly extensive.  When I started this blog and decided to share it on the book, I kind of let it slip through my mind that EVERYONE would be able to read it.  And I mean EVERYONE.  My ex’s family, elementary school teachers, kids I used to mentor, and my nana.  That’s quite the mix to be reading all of the scandalous things I share.  So, I decided to tone it down, but not too much.  Don’t want to deviate too far away from the norm...that would be just awkward.  But GOD don’t I love awkward.  But yeah, people were coming up and asking about stuff I’d post on Facebook.  Like ask if I’m still going to the gym with specific people, or comment about facebook photos, or where I was spending my time.  To top it all off, some even started pointing out friends of mine from facebook, without ever meeting them.  It just got creepy.  

So, people really do love this shit.  They eat it up.  (Personally, I don’t think eating shit sounds appetizing, but whatever, it’s your deal).  So, I don‘t want to disappoint.  You look hungry.  On to the drama.

I have no idea about the last few posts.  I don’t read my stuff after it’s posted.  So, SORRYYYY if I repost stuff you already know.  Anyway... J is married.  Cool. We know this.  I guess he got married on New Year’s Eve.  The big D was September 26th, remember.  That’s three months.  Whatever.  Go ahead, get divorced twice before you’re 30.  Okay, I know... that’s not nice.  And chances are great that he’s really in love or whatever, but it just seems strange to me.  Best of luck in that.  Anyway... not only is he married...but he now lives 20 miles from me.  WTF.  REALLY? I moved back here to start over, not be reminded of past mistakes.  No, J and my relationship was not a mistake, I learned so much about myself through our relationship and we had some amazing times that I would not want to share with anyone but him, but I left him in Jersey because that is where he decided to make his life for himself.  WHY THE EFF WOULD YOU MOVE BACK HERE?!#$#@T#$%@ Oh yeah, he brought his wife.  I guess I thought he’d leave her in Jersey... that’s what he pretty much did with the last one.  ANYWAY... how do I feel about this?  It’s different.  I’m not upset.  Just confused.  There are zero opportunities here.  We left this area because he wanted to pursue his music.  I’m doubting he’s any less of a fantastic musician than he was a year ago, so why come back!?  Good luck.  

And now I’m done with that subject.

As I mentioned earlier, I have a boyfriend now.  Two months later and that still seems to be the case.  Honestly, he’s the reason I haven’t been writing.  Boyfriends take up a lot of time!  JEEEEZ.  No, no, it’s not HIS fault.  It’s mine.  I like him.  That’s why I spend time with him, I spose.  Anyway... I failed to mention that when he and I got together, I was hanging out with 4 other people.  Not “hanging out” but talking to 5 in total.  I know, total player.  Not gonna lie, it’s true.  I had to play the game a bit in order to protect myself.  Well, these other 4 guys didn’t like it too much.  Especially since they all found out I was dating P via Facebook.  Whoops.  I spose that was kind of bitchy, wasn’t it?  But I was not exclusive with anyone, did I owe anyone an explanation?  No, I don’t think so.  I stand by that.  But anyway, 2 of the 4 were not phased a bit... turns out they were playing the game as well.  That’s fine.  No tears lost there.  But the other 2... Jesus... you woulda thought I broke off an engagement or something.  Drama drama drama.  One of which... we’ll call him Rick... I feel kind of bad about.  I didn’t mean to, but I led him on.  I know I just said I played the game, but I didn’t play the game with the intensions of hurting anyone.  But as it turns out, someone always gets hurt once you get involved, whether it is emotionally, physically, sexually... doesn’t matter.  But Rick and I have worked through our differences.  I know he knows this is for the best afterall and I’m confident he will find an incredible woman who shares similar interests and who will love him for everything he is.  Unfortunately, I just wasn’t that woman.  Everything happens for a reason, S’more. It does.

On another note, I went home for Christmas... I know this is completely off topic, but whatever.  Well, we had a Christmas Eve Eve party, a “homecoming” party because its the only time all year that all of us are together.  Well, I went this year and I saw nearly everyone I went to high school with.  The majority of them I had not seen since 2005.  I’m a little different now than I was then (THANK GODDDD).  But I had a great time.  Well, when I got there, one of the first questions I received was “Are you dating a girl?”  I was like who, Monica?  HAHAHA. Anyone who knows mi amor, Mon, should love this.  Anyway... he was like “No, Cassandra.”  Uhhh...whattttt?  First of all, this boy has never met Cassandra.  Secondly... WHATTTTTT???  I was like, um, no, I like men, but thanks!  Then I was asked the same question three more times (once from someone in my family) and I just don’t get it.  Are girls no longer able to be close?  Do I spend a lot of time with Cassandra?  Of course, she’s my bestie, I should be allowed to.  So, to set the record straight, No, not a fan of the lady parts, definitely enjoy the other team a bit more.  But even if I did like the ladies, what the eff does it matter?  Cassandra?  Well, at least I’d have good taste.  Quit creepin on facebook and making snap judgements.  If you want to know something, just ask.  Don’t spread rumors just because you think its awesome you queer.  

Okay, back to a constantly avoided topic.  My bf, P.  I don’t name the ones I like, remember.  Although if we’re FB friends, you already know ol Patticakes’ name.  Damnit.  Just gave it away.  Anyway, I’m not talking about this too much.  I don’t talk about the good stuff.  But just know things are going good.  REALLLLL good ;)  Haha. Oh boyyyyyy.  But like any new relationship, you face challenges.  Within the first month, I had three previous flames/boyfriends/”friends” re-enter my life and try to “reconnect”... a couple of which have been mentioned in previous posts so you know that would be interesting.  It was a major test.  Why did they have to test me?  They all KNEW I had a boyfriend.  Slime balls.  That was your first mistake.  I’m not interested in your shenanigans... and I’m a HUGE fan of shenanigans, just not the slimy kind.  You get all sticky and then you have to shower like 15 times to get that shit out.  Ever had slime in your hair?  It’s a bitch to get out.  Not that I’d know.... uhhh... Anyway, I totally triumphed round 1 of assholes trying to eff things up.  I mean, really!?  What were you thinking?  Oh that’s right, you weren’t.  

Furthermore... the drama has seemed to cease in my life as of late.  Only because I am not letting it occur.  It continues to find me, however.  Turns out I was involved in drama with a few girls and I didn’t even know it!  Insecurities and jealousy can really bring out the worst in people.  With that being said, I just ignored it.  Well, I did after a little while.  At first, it really really REALLY bothered me.  I’m a people pleaser.  Not only that, but I LOVE people.  I go out of my way to make others feel comfortable.  Naturally, when girls (yes, multiples... i don’t even know...don’t get me started) bring out the worst in you, you make a decision on whether or not you want to pursue it, or just walk away.  I chose to walk away.  All of the drama surrounded a couple people of whom I’ve disassociated myself from since then.  I know, you must be so proud yet so disappointed at the same time.  Such is the life.  But no worries, there’s still more life to live.    

More great, recent news!

*The roomies are engaged! YAY! So excited for them!!!! Hope you don’t kick me out.  I’m not ready to leave yet.  Please don’t make me, mom!?

*My perfect niece turned one!  WAHOO!!! And she’s walking (or wobbling, not sure which is more accurate) as well as talking.  She is wicked good at saying Hi and No.  Two of the most essential words to know as a lady.  

*My sister, Sarah, is pregnant!  AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I’m stoked.  Being an auntie to mackie has been fantastic.  I can only imagine what kind of ball of wonder my sister will spit out on October 8th.  STOKED.  

To wrap things up, I have to say, life is going pretty great lately.  I finally feel like I’ve got my feel on the ground and my head on my shoulders again (it was touch and go for a while there).  I’ve surrounded myself with amazing people who let me make mistakes and don’t judge me when I came home crying because I got hurt.  The same people have encouraged me to move on and try new things.  

March 10th will be 1 years since J and I separated.  So much has happened in that year.  So so so much pain.  Unwanted pain.  I mean, who really wants pain, unless you’re into S&M (and if that’s the case, then let’s talk ;) ....)  but you need the pain.  It’s necessary.  Tears. Pain. Fear. Drama. Trials. Tests. Uncertainty. ...it’s all imperative, because without it, you could never possibly understand the beauty of simple, pure, old-fashioned love.   

Everyone wants happiness.

No one wants pain.

But you can’t have a rainbow

Without a little rain.

...it’s worth it.  Trust me. 

What a Year

2011.... What a year. Phew.  I made one resolution and one resolution only: Take more risks.  I think it’s safe to say that I kept that resolution.  Let’s recap the last year.

2011 started out like nearly every other year before that.  I was content.  Things were safe.  Up til that point, I hadn’t taken many risks.  At least, not on my own.  J and I were living in Jersey, just doing out thing.  I had an incredible job doing recruiting, marketing, and PR for a private events music company.  2011 started out great.  Then things got interesting.  By the end of January, I started to really question my marriage.  Things hadn’t felt right for quite some time... but by December of 2010, they got wicked weird.  So, by late January, the sense of entrapment ensued.  February 1st, I started my second contract with a non-profit organization in New York City.  This organization changed my outlook on so many things.  I learned about passion and corruption, community and self-preservation, motivation and deception.  The people at this organization also taught me a lot.  AMAZING people.  It is within this organization that I met two of the strongest, most beautiful native women I’ve ever encountered (aside from the women in my own family, of course).  They inspired me and encouraged me to make the best decision of my life.  March 10th, 2011: J and I separated.  I didn’t move out... mostly because I was afraid if I did, he‘d leave the lease all to me and I’d get screwed when he stopped paying.  Not that he’d do that...but it was threatened at one point...  He refused to move out... so I moved all my shit out into the living room and slept there.  Luckily, my contract with the second organization was pretty demanding, so I was only home to sleep and shower.  This routine continued for two months until the contract ended April 30th... the same day my sister graduated from a 19 month long, life-changing program that probably saved her life.  Actually, no probablies about it.  It truly did.  

May 9th, 2011... the final confrontation commenced between J and I.  At this point, he still didn’t get that our separation was final (even though we hadn’t talked in months...not too bright, I tell ya).  I had one final question for him, of which I knew the answer.... and he lied.  I already had my mind made up at that point about what I’d do if he wasn’t honest.  So....

May 10th, 2011... two years to the day that I left Maine, I moved back.  I left jers with nothing except the clothes on my back (and a car full of clothes as well... WHAT? I’m the kind of girl that knows what she likes... don’t judge).  

I spent the whole month of May in Milbridge.  Anyone that has spent any significant amount of time in Milbridge knows how painful of a transition that was.... especially from New York City.... but it was perfect.  My mom and step padre were incredible.  It was such a difficult time and they were amazing. 

June 13th, 2011.... I moved in with two of my best friends.  They got me a job AND let me live with them= amazing, compassionate, self-less people.  I started my new job... something completely different.... but different isn’t always bad.  This job kicked my ass.  I’m used to being awesome.  Nope. Not at this job.  

Whoa... okay... I started writing that first part yesterday.  I have to warn ya, I’m sick.  I’m a big ol baby. I only have a cold, but wow...you would think by looking at me that I had scurvy or something equally as awesome.  But anyway...I took NyQuil like 6 minutes ago, so I can’t guarantee that this post won’t get a little silly.  I’ll do my best.

ANYWAY...   

September 26th, 2011: The divorce was final.  J didn’t even show up.  Awesome.  Loved standing before the judge alone. Bastard.  No worries. I threw myself a party.  Great times. Great people. Ahhh I just love Belfast.

The months of October, November, and December seemed to pass by in a blur.  One dramatic experience to another.  I got my heart broken.  It was humiliating.  I never even meant to let him in, but I did and he played games with me.  I haven’t shared this story with y’all yet....would you care to hear?

For a couple months I was talking to an old friend (I guess we were kind of friends) who was overseas, serving a tour of Afghanistan.  We talked for hours everyday.  We’d skype and message each other.  By the end of our first conversation rekindling our friendship, we had nicknames for one another.  Yeah, I know, it was THAT good.  He was such a breath of fresh air.  No games.  He was honest about everything.  He fed me lines about how he never felt such a strong connection with someone so fast... and like an idiot, I fell for them.  I opened up.  I shared shit with this fool that I haven’t even told my closest friends.  

Well... we made plans for him to visit while he was on leave.  Good and dandy.  Well... like 4 days before he was supposed to come visit, he mentioned that things were busier than he thought and he was experiencing some family stuff and he wouldn’t really be able to come that weekend but that he’d still love to see me.  Me, being the compassionate retard I am, figured he was legit.  So, I wished him luck and guaranteed that we’d figure it out while he was still home.  So, instead of hanging out at home that weekend, I went to Portland to visit my Dad.  While I was there, I stopped in the mall for like 15 minutes to try to find a dress for my Holiday Gala at work the next weekend.  No luck.  The mall was insane.  People everywherrrrrre. And y’all know how much I hate people.  Not all people, just ignorant people.  Anyway... I was just leaving the mall.  I was walking around, just minding my own business.... and I don’t know about you, but when I’m at stores, I don’t really check people out.  I just kinda keep to myself. I window shop and dilly dally around.  Well, I just so happened to look across the mall at a couple that was walking in the opposite direction on the other side of the aisle.  It was him.  And a girl.  I was stunned. Shocked.  My heart fell into the pit of my stomach.  My jaw literally dropped and I stopped in the middle of holiday foot traffic.  I watched him walk away.  He didn’t see me.  I thought about chasing him... but then I thought that would be creepy.  Regardless... I was virtually surprised.  He fooled me.  How could I let him fool me?  I texted him and he made up some bullshit that I was planning on going to NYC (I decided to go only AFTER he told me he couldn’t go) and that he hadn’t meant to lead me on.  BULLLLLLLLLshit.  He played me.  Oh, he played me goooood.  Touche.  Nice work, playa.  Didn’t see that one coming.  Well... to follow-up, he and the girl I saw him with are dating now.  I wonder if she knows about all the bull he fed me?  Maybe he fed her the same lines.  Probably.  I have no faith in humans.  He knew this.  He proved me right. 

So, I fumed over this for a good 15 minutes.  Okay... more than a week, but then it donned on me... of ALLLL the friggin people in that mall that day, of all the places, the timing, everything... what are the chances?  I don’t know about you, but I believe everything happens for a reason.  Because of this, I got over this fool.  He may have effed with me, but I’m the one that won in the end... I mean... could you imagine the heartbreak otherwise?  Seeing is believing.  I clearly needed to see that.  I just hope he realizes how awful of a person he is.  He knew I didn’t give second chances.  Life is too short to eff with assholes.  Well, it’s safe to say that I haven’t talked to him since.  Will I?  I can’t say for sure.  But I just know he hit a tough spot.  He knew I didn’t play games, yet he played the biggest game of all.  Ahhhh. Friggin humans.  I know no one is perfect, but you can’t say you don’t know that you’re going to hurt someone when you eff with their head.  Useless.

To top off my year, on Christmas Eve, I find out J is getting married.... in a week.  On New Years Eve, evidently J tied the knot with some unsuspecting victim.  Say WHAT? Uhhh.... awkward.  Wow. Crazy.  If you read my last post, you know how that makes me feel... but if not, I’ll sum it up in one word: shit.  Jealous? Possibly a little.  Angry? Hell yeah.  What the eff?  Oh well, that’s his funeral.  I’m never getting married again.  Evidently I didn’t damage him enough to discourage him from ever considering marriage again.  He should be thanking me.  

Also on Christmas eve, I got my step padre a scratch off that won he and mi madre $25,000.00.  Not kidding.  BOBDOW kept saying it was the best Christmas ever.  hahaha.  I’d say so.  I think I gave the best gift, not gonna lie.  ....I’m still waiting for that finder’s fee.  Just sayin.  

New Years Eve was phenomenal.  I spent it with some of my favorites.  Oh... and I have  boyfriend now.  I know, I know... I’m retarded.  I complain about everything and then BAM! SURPRISE!!!! I bet you’re wondering where he came from!?  Yeah... not really gonna share that jazz yet, because it’s still so new (we’ve been dating for a whole 6 days... so give me a break).  But to give you an idea... he and I have been talking for months.  He’s a great guy.  He was very persistent.  Quite confident. I had to give him a shot.  Especially since he gave me his shoes to walk home in after the Holiday Gala (he walked back in socks) after I refused to wear my 5 inch heels during my trek up mount everest.  Told ya... great guy.  Me... not as much of a great girl, clearly.  I made the guy walk home in socks and cut his feet all to pieces because of vanity.  But trust me, it was worth it.  Smoooookin.    

TO SUMMARIZE:

It was a big year for the Fitch/Stanley/Dow household.  Krista and her boyfriend bought a house.  BJ and his wife had a baby.  Sarah got married. Donald bought a house AND got engaged.  Oh... and Sonja got a divorce.  Who’s the screwup in this family now?  And we all thought it would be Donnie.  Just kidding, D!  I’ll own the title for a little while, but no worries, I plan on giving it back to one of you.  

Things are finally starting to turn around.  I haven’t been this happy or in tune with my own needs, likes, and desires in my entire life.  I’m the luckiest girl in the world.  

THANKS FOR READING AGAIN.  I like all the feedback I’ve been getting, so PLEASE!!! Keep it coming!  Send me a facebook message if you have questions, comments, or if you have specific things you’d like to see included in future posts.  I’m all eyes, babe.  <3 

Let It Rain

Tonight’s post is an outpour.... an indecisive set of emotions, heart wrenching fear, tragic passion.  

I know I’m choosing to go through this process publicly, however, I don’t really know what to say... 

I value you reading this, because then it’s like you’re going through it with me, sorry about that.  Hopefully you’re not nearly as exhausted as I am. 

I found out my ex-husband is engaged. 

.....

Nope. Not only is he dating someone else, he has found “the one” he wants to join his hand in marriage with.  

We got divorced on September 26th, 2011.  72 days ago.  

We separated on March 10th, 2011.  272 days ago.

We were together for 8 years. That’s roughly 2920 days.

nearly THREE THOUSAND DAYS spent loving one another, getting to know one another, working through things, creating lives with each other.

....but it takes him less than 72 days to decide he’s moved on?  It makes absolutely no sense to me.

I couldn’t even think of dating anyone else.... I’m still recovering from him. clearly.

The first guy I thought was maybe perhaps a possibility broke my heart this past weekend.... told me he didn’t mean to lead me on... bullshit.  Of course, figures that the first guy I open myself up to even a little bit is the first to also disregard my heart.  But anyway... I wasn’t even  looking for a relationship... just looking for someone to share pieces of my life with.  MILES away from engagement.  what the eff is that? Marriage scares the hell out of me.  But not him, I guess.

This is way harder than I thought it would ever be...

It kills my ego. I’m told I have great qualities... and to be honest, I know I’m a great person.  I have pretty tremendous confidence, sometimes too much *I talk like this cuz I can back it up* (Oh Beyonce) but even so, it doesn’t mean my heart is incapable of being broken.  He couldn’t fight for the woman he spend nearly three thousands days with, yet he can decide he wants to give it a shot with someone he has had less than a year to get to know!? WTF!? 

All things end. With good reason.  But it still bothers me.   


Why does he get to be happy?  Granted, I am happier now than I ever was with him... but I'm happy by myself.  How can he find happiness with someone else so fast?  Someone explain this to me.  I.just.don't.get.it. 

This is not all rainbows and sunshine.

It hurts so bad.

The day I got divorced, I threw myself a party.... it was an incredible party at that.  So what do I do today?  Today’s the day I’m truly supposed to be over it.  I mean, I want him to be happy.  I’m glad he’s found someone else.  Maybe I’m jealous?  Yeah, I guess that’s part of it.  I’m envious of the fact that he can move on so fast with someone else, yet I can’t even think of holding another dude’s hand without feeling nauseous.  When you open yourself up to someone, you allow yourself to being susceptible to heartbreak.  And it happens, as I understand and have experienced. .... and based on my experience, all people suck.  They just want to use you and abuse you.  I know, I’m a scored woman, so my opinion of men doesn’t really matter.  But show me a good man and I’ll show you a good woman who can love him.... or at least try.    

I’m afraid I’m not very articulate tonight.  To be honest, I haven’t cried this much in months.  I feel betrayed.  Why?  We aren’t together.  I guess it’s about respect.  8 effing years.... and he’s already engaged in 8 months from our separation.  Wow.  It cuts deep.  

My heart is so heavy. It’s been through so much.  I’ve probably lost a whole 5 years of my life based on the trauma I’ve put my heart through the last 9 months.  

As I’ve mentioned 13350493 times now, I have incredible people in my life.  My best friend called and another stopped by (unannounced) the second they found out.  They serve as reminders that there are a few decent people out there that have my best interest in mind.

Clearly it wasn’t meant to be for he and I.  I’m okay with that.  No, I’m more than okay with that.  He’s “happy” and I know someday I will be too.  It definitely won’t be in 8 months, but hey, there’s no real timeframe or time limit (as he’s so arrogantly demonstrated).  I’ll get my chance.  I’ll find a big beefy man who loves me for me.  Who treats me like the queen I am.  Someone who isn’t afraid of my personality.  Someone who can hold their own, but who isn’t afraid of my accomplishments, dreams, or determination.  A man who can hold my hand but who can also stand up for me.  This man exists.  Someday.  

But until then, I’ll just curl up in my bed and wallow.  Leave me the hell alone.  I’m allowed to wallow.  By tomorrow I’ll be back to Miss Independent status... let me feel weak for a moment.  I am human after all.  

Thank You...

Thursday was Thanksgiving.... the first major holiday since the divorce.  I thought it would be just fine, but I gave in and got a little sad.  This time last year, I was in New York City, in the heart of Manhattan, watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  My best friend and parents drove down to spend the holiday with me and J.  We went to J’s aunt’s house where about 25 people were gathered.  I used to work for J’s uncle.  He and I not only rode into the city together every day, but we also shared an office.  That meant for a LOT of quality time spent together.  We grew really close.  He was like a surrogate father and mentor in both business and life.  He’s the one that encouraged me to pursue consulting with other companies for strategic communications and social media.  Needless to say, spending the holidays with that family was a joy.  It was the best thanksgiving I had ever had by far.  I loved that family.  Truth being, I still do.  Of course I miss them.  I genuinely hope they’re doing well and that the business flourishes. 

Naturally, this thanksgiving was a little depressing to me.  The thought of going and spending the holidays with my family was so sad.  J was always there.  ALWAYS.  Even when I didn’t want him to be.  He was a little creeper.  Just popping up out of no where.  Sometimes, I miss that.  Even more so, I wonder why I miss him at all if this was my decision.   I was the one that made the decision to leave.  I’m the one that packed up my car and left with only clothes and memories....leaving behind all the things that defined my success to that point.  It was me.  Not him.  So why do I miss him, especially during the holidays that typically turned into a big fight about something stupid?  Because I’m human.  I know.  I hate humans.  Ugghh.  So many feeeeelings.  But the truth is, he was a part of my life for so long, important days, like holidays, revolved around time spent not only with one another, but also with each other’s families.  We tend to forget that when a couple gets divorced, it is the separation of two families.  And although relationships can be maintained regardless of the divorce, we all know that it will never be the same.  So, as Thanksgiving got closer, I realized I needed to do something different so as to avoid holiday heartbreak.

This year, I spent it with my best friend and her family.  It was a small gathering of only a few of us, but it couldn’t have been more perfect.  The laughter, conversations, and fooooooood... oh boyyyy.  It was perfect.  And while I was sitting there, enjoying my third helping of sweet potatoes (HOLY DELICIOUSNESSSSS), I got to thinking.... I am the luckiest girl in the world.  Now this is the part I know you’re all waiting for.... but I want to share the joys of my life.  I share the heartbreak a lot, so I figured I’d share the joy as well.  I know I’ve done a THANK YOU style post before, however... this one is a little different.  There’s some serious name dropping going on.  If you don’t want to be in this post, I’m sorry... but we’re friends for frig sake. of course you’d make it into one of these.  

  

First and foremost..... my family.   

Madre- the most beautiful woman I know.  You’re the strongest, most interesting person in the world.  I mean that with love, of course.  I know you worry about me and as twisted as it sounds, I’m thankful for that.  You’re a great mom.  I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world, not even Janet Jackson ;).  BOBDOW- the most incredible step padre a native girl could ask for.  I know I never appreciated you at first, but as I’ve grown and matured, I genuinely credit you for saving our lives.  You’re an amazing husband to mom and a great father to all of us.  But please remember, we’re all crazy because of you.  Just sayin.  Krista- I know we haven’t been close in recent years, but I look up to you a lot.  You take risks and aren’t afraid of anything.... very admirable.  Beej- oh Beej, you’re fantastic.  Thank you for tolerating me and all my craziness throughout the years.  You know I keep things interesting... just admit it.  Meg- You’re a beautiful soul.  Thank you for cultivating my niece, who is the perfect child.  Glow- we have our ups and downs, but at the end of the day, I think we have a mutual understanding.  I love you and I’m glad you’ve found what you’ve been looking for.  Donnie- my biggest little brother. I’m so proud of you. I love your quirkiness.  Alora- Thank you for loving my brother so genuinely.  You’re proof that love gives second chances.  Dad- you’re the best man I know.  I love you more than you’ll ever know or understand.  Nat- you’re an amazing figure in the boys’ lives.  I’m so thankful that they have you (and me too ;)).  Thomas- I love our car rides, jamming out to Taio Cruz and you tolerating me singing at the top of my lungs.  I’m proud of you boy.  Keep your head in the game and you’ll go far.  Al- everyone’s favorite little brother.  What can I say?  You are picked right out of Dad’s butt, so you pretty much make me laugh all day long whenever I’m around.  I love my family.  As dysfunctional we all are, I wouldn’t change a thing.  

Secondly... Roomies <3

Becca- You know me better than anyone else...almost too well....  You have done so much for me that I honestly don’t know where I’d be without you (well, homeless for one...hahha).  I’m so glad that we met that first day on freshman orientation and that we both had psycho roommates.  Best decision ever.   And I’m so glad that we’ve been reunited and that everything has worked out so well.  It just feels so natural.  

Phyllis- Well, Doc, you help me see life in a completely different light.  I love making fun of people with you, accompanied by our long philosophical conversations and our therapy sessions.  But most of all, I love that you make my best friend so happy.  You’re a great dude.  Y’all make me believe in love <3

Next.... the besties!

Cassandra- you’re one of my kind. I do not know a single person that is more like me than you.... which means you’re pretty awesome.  BAHA. I’m hilarious.  Which means you are too. hahha. Oh, I kill me.  But for real, you’re phenomenal. By far the most beautiful person I know. I love your laugh, your optimism, your authenticity, and your killer dance moves.  We’ve been through so much together.  I’m so glad we experienced heartbreak at the exact same time, as sick and twisted as that may seem.  TRIFECTA <3

Kyle- BFF. You’re amazing. You know me so well. I don’t even have to talk and you just get it. I am sooooo thankful you entered my life.  

Megan- You’re such a great person.  Our relationship may have changed, but you know I still love you.  I’m happy you’re still in my life.

Biggie- Imagine if I never moved to Belfast?  Our lives would be soooo empty! The memories we’ve made.... including Jackson, shaggy boys, Pauly D, crazy boys.... more boys. Hahaha. Big. We get into trouble together, but I love it.  Including Julio Jr.  Kamikazes.  BAM. I miss you.

Work Friends!

Alexa- My little highlighter.  You’re such a beautiful person, inside and out.  You literally are one of the kindest women I know.  I’m glad you were stuck in Maine all summer.  Can’t wait to get crazy together again :)

Stephen J Smith- my favorite neighbor.  Our shared love of music is what I like most about you.  That and the fact that you’re half asian.  You know how much I love bok choy.  :)

Matthew- bake me a pecan pie, please.  Just kiddddding. I am trying lose weight, not gain more from your incredible cooking skills.  Anyway...you’re a very inspirational person.  I haven’t met anyone else who enjoys life as much as you.  You’re awesome.  I’m so glad to know you.  

Val- My soul sister.  You inspire me to be a better person.  We are so similar that it sometimes scares me. hahhaha. Can’t wait to run our half marathon in March... maybe March 2013? hahaha. 

Linda- HE’S MARRIED!!!! Probably the funniest woman in the world!  If I’m ever having a rough day, all I have to do is hear your laugh and it brightens my mood.  

Carol- If I am half the woman/mother/friend you are, I know I will be doing well for myself.  You’re incredible.  

Eben- You’re one of my favoritestestestest.  Let’s play spoons again soon :)

Ed- my voice of reason. you’re a cool dude.  Glad I screwed up all my CCP machines at first or else we’d have no reason to communicate. 

Art- My bocci partner.  Told you that you’d make it to a blog post.  Thanks for tuning in and for keeping life interesting and always keeping an eye on the HD for me ;) 

Shellie- SHELL.... my booty wouldn’t be the same without you. HA.  You’re fantastic. We  need to love on one another more often.  I miss our lunch dates.  

Risely- You really helped to provide insight into the big D that is absolutely invaluable.  I’m thankful for your friendship.  

Courtney- hilarious girl! You make life so interesting! I LOVE your stories and your faces.  You crack me right up!

Old Friends!

New York Friends- Shundiin and Serena. Beautiful, smart girls.  You inspired me to make the best decision of my life.  I owe it all to your encouragement and promotion of faith and strength.  

Sierra- Daughter. My crazy, wild, daughter.  It’s been quite the ride. Lots of interesting moments shared. hahhahha. whoops.  

Hometown friends- Morgan, Katie, Hala, Saben, Jason; downeast lovin.  So glad we’ve kept in touch.  Life wouldn’t be the same without you.  

Small, Tiffanie, Ashley, Morgan- my Portland girls.  Y’all know how to have a good time.  So glad we’ve been able to maintain a mutual love and respect for one another.  Sisterhood forever.  
Old School Friends- Sarah Rose and Faith- I love you girls so much. It's amazing to me that we've known each other since we were fetuses yet we still love one another.  My life would literally be a completely different story if y'all weren't in it.  You and your families changed me.  Sorry I didn't mention it the first time, but know that I have so much love in my heart for you.  I miss you. 
Nana and Papa- You saved my life. You are the relationship I model how I want my next marriage to be after (if there is one, of course).  You taught me how to survive, appreciate, but most importantly, how to love.  
Toya- My girl. You know I love you. I'm your little pimento.  You're a gorgeous woman who I admire greatly.  Cannot express how much I miss you. 
Ann- My favorite.  I aspire to be like you.  Ever since college where you scared the hell out of me, I know you had the kind of guts that I needed in order to survive in this market.  I'm glad we've gotten our chance to exchange story ideas.  We NEED to get back on track! I'm planning on getting famous, I don't know about you... ;)

Thennnn.... new friends!

Monica- Get it girrrrrl. You are phenomenal.  The best dance partner I’ve ever had.  So glad I got to meet you and facebook stalk you a bit. hahahaha. It’s allllll goooooood.  Let’s make some memories together. 

Ike- what can I say? We’re the same person.  Except I’m brown and you’re Irish.  I’ve enjoyed the opportunity to get to know you better the last few months.  Wish we had more time, but it is what it is.  Our shared love of ridiculous videos and consuela is what makes me smile more than anything else in this world.  We’ll have our chance, I’m sure, guap.  

Lionel- quit playing games, amigo. You know you’re my s’more.  hahahhaaha.  Get your snowsuit ready.  I’m requesting a one piece.

So, I know I probably hurt some feelings by not including people in this post, but honestly, I cannot include every single person I know in this post.  I have like 1,200 facebook friends, I’m not including y’all in on this. Sorry. 

Now I think about what my life would be like if I hadn’t of moved back to Maine, I may never have gotten a chance to get to know a new family member, Joey.... or meet my perfect niece, Mackie <3  I would have never met my incredible Athena family nor would I have taken the time to get to know myself in such an intimate way.  Sounds kinky.  But anyway.... I have so much to be thankful for this season, so I figured I’d share that love with y’all.  And just when I start to doubt myself or my decisions... I think to myself... I left that life for a reason.  And looking back on all of the above memories and/or people I’ve met the last 9 months, I wouldn’t change a thing.  

Tis the season.  Amidst all this holiday chaos... shopping, cooking, cleaning.... I hope you find some time to reflect on the beauty of this season.  And say thanks to those that have deeply affected your life, because the truth is, you wouldn’t be who you are without their influence... good or bad ; )

How to Love

WARNING....this one is alllllll over the place. I refuse to organize it too. Lazy, I know. ...  

I don’t know what’s going on with me today.  I feel changes in my heart that I haven’t felt before.  It’s all pretty insane.  But this whole process is pretty crazy.  I feel as though I’m entering a new phase of recovery.  But before I get into that...

Let’s recap:

  

Adjustment Phase: adjusting to being single, but still feeling married.  Awkward.  Uncertain. Curious. Feeling liberated, but not fully free.  The country music phase.  Taylor Swift, you sure as hell can’t sing, but damn...your song writing skills are spot on.  

Mourning Phase: once it finally sinks in that this is happening... mourning the loss of the relationship.  Intense pain. Pain so thick that it lingers on every word, on every thought, on every feeling... I also refer to this as the Adele phase.  

Angry Phase: why didn’t he fight for it? Am I not worth more than that?  Sense of betrayal.  Embarrassed.  Also known as the Three Days Grace phase.  

Miss Independent Phase: a natural transition- “flip him off” kind of emotions. liberation. Doing everything that couldn’t be done before. testing the waters.  Keri Hilson phase.  

Discovery Phase: learning about self. discovering new wonders and joys as a solo human. gaining confidence. feeling strength commence. learning its okay to be single.  Ray LaMontagne.     

....For the last couple months, I’ve been in Discovery.  And although parts of the discovery will continue within this next phase, I’m starting to move on.  How do I know?  I woke up the other morning and realized a lot about myself.  For the first time since March, I’m content.  I am reflective, yet forward thinking.  I’m finally able to open myself up.... not a lot, but just enough...   

You want the truth?  I’m not afraid to fall in love.  I know love can be beautiful if it is shared between two individuals who maintain mutual respect and adoration.  But it’s rare.  

I don’t want to get hurt.

Getting hurt is what I’m afraid of.

And the more I put myself out there, the more likely I am to get hurt.  

The last one I allowed in that deep did a lot of damage.  But HEY.... that’s the reason it’s over, isn’t it?  Not every man is like him.  I have to remind myself of that everyday.     

But I love a challenge... and I can’t allow myself to fall back.  Putting myself out there is the ONLY way I’ll be able to take the next steps in life.  And if it turns out the way it’s been projected.... it’s going to be a beautiful life.       

I know I think too much.  I try real hard to tell my brain to shut upppp, but it's rebellious.  

Everyone has their own perception of how long it takes to move on after the dissolution of a relationship.  I’ve heard it all.  Some say it takes a couple months, others say it takes a bit longer, while some believe it could take years.  Well, I’m not really interested in what works for other people.  Clearly, we’re not all the same.  There is no “Break Up Guide” that fits every situation.  Every relationship is different.  Because we’re all different.  If you move from one relationship to another, that’s fine.  Is it recommended?  Probably not.  But hell, who cares? As long as it works for YOU, go for it.  That hasn’t been my angle, but I’d never discredit what has worked for others.  What I’m trying to say is... I think this is my time.  Will I be getting married next month? ....and you can quote me on this... HELL EFFIN NO.  But it does mean I’m willing to put myself out there.  Not for someone who doesn’t have the time or who wants to play the field for a while and keep me on the sidelines while he figures it out.  Eff that.  I’m special.  You’re special.  We’re all special.  And we deserve to be treated like that.  

If you’re scared too, let’s be scared together.  Because two scared people hanging out sounds like a lot of fun..... uhhh.... yup.  But really, know that you’re not alone.  It’s a big, crazy world out there.  It’s cold.  It’s dark.  It’s lonely.  But being lonely doesn’t mean that you’re alone.  I get it.  ALL TOO WELL, TRUST.  I have tasted more tears the last 8 months than I’m willing to admit, so I get it.  

I’ve been hurt. No... that’s not even it.  My heart has been destroyed.  My whole life, every thing... my view of men, women, and just other humans in general has been so deeply tarnished, I doubt I’ll ever let anyone in like I used to.  Sounds awful, I know, but to me, it’s a good thing.  The less people you let in, the less people you’ll allow to hurt you.  And plus, there are a lot of shitty people in this world... no need to waste your time.   

The song by Lil Wayne “How to Love” was written for me.... and you too, I imagine.  

Follow this YouTube link.. I tried to embed it, but evidently Blogger doesn't like that.  So just copy and paste... sowwyyyyy....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Gf4-eT3w0&ob=av2e 

My favorite part of the song is this...

“See, You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart

Never really had luck, couldn’t ever figure out

How to love, how to love

You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever

Now you in a corner tryna put it together

How to love, how to love

See, I just want you to know that you deserve the best, You’re beautiful

You’re beautiful

Yea, and I want you to know

You’re far from the usual, far from the usual”

You deserve happiness.  I don’t care what you’ve done.  I don’t care where you’ve been or what you’ve seen.  It doesn’t matter who you’re family is, if you’re affluent or struggling, nor does it matter how many times you’ve had your heart broken.  What matters is who you are.  Are you a good person?  Do you live your life with truth and respect?  Are you humble and compassionate?  Be true to yourself.  You’re beautiful.  Far from the usual.  Weezy knows it, baby.  If you don’t believe me, watch that video again.  Appreciate your life.  Take risks.  If you meet a truly amazing person, allow yourself to fall in love.  If your heart gets broken, you’ll be okay.  I swear.  It’s scary... but it’s worth it.  Now watch me take my own advice and go out on a limb.  Even if the limb breaks, it’s going to be a wild ride.  Just wait.  

Boyfriends Update

Someone told me that my blog posts werent juicy enough lately.... guess being content doesn’t make for a lot of meaty, juicy, bloody steak.  Well... I think I conjured up some meat.

***Boyfriends Update***

If you haven’t read the “Boyfriends” post, you need to go read it before this one will make sense.  

So, are you curious of the status of these classy dudes?  I know I am!  So, two months (almost to the day) after the first post comes an inside look at my list of losers.  

Diego: As I mentioned, nothing was going on with this dude as of two months ago.  We tried to stay friends, but it just didn’t work.  There’s just something about someone that cheats that makes you question their intent and honesty (who woulda thought).  Anyway... he kept popping up on facebook, trying to chat.  He’d ask to skype when his girl wasn’t home, but I just wasn’t having it.  And one day, he popped up when I had just gotten bad news completely unrelated and I just laid into him.  Needless to say, Diego and I are officially no longer speaking.  Sorry, no one likes to be used, asshole.  Find some other hoe to play games with.  Not interested.

Cam: Well... I hadn’t heard from him since early September... then BAM! Last night, this dude reappears! It’s like he KNEW I was planning on writing this post.  Well, anyway... to make a long story short, he pretty much confessed his love. again. OH BOYYYY.... GIVE ME A FRIGGIN BREAK.  Then this guy tells me he feels like he missed his chance.  Oh Really?  Ya think?  Agghhhh. Even though all of our communication was via facebook message, he would not lay off.  Tried to make me feel guilty AGAIN for being the person I am.  I’m not a push over.  I refuse to change myself for anyone.  No. Not again.  Anyway... I blocked him.  I changed my cell phone number.  I moved.  Now once I’m able to remove the chip he more than likely installed into my skin, I’ll be completely free of Cam.  Good riddance.  What a waste of time.

Derek: This was the tough one.  I actually wrote that post like the day AFTER Derek and I had our conversation about ending our little fling.  So, I was a little fired up.  Two months later, where are Derek and I?  Well, I think things are all good, for the most part.  Are we as good of friends as we used to be?  No, but it’s all good.  And what about him and that girl?  I guess they’re dating now???  Hmm. Weird.  Slightly awkward.... but it gets less awkward everyday.  I genuinely wish them the best.  To be honest, I feel like I dodged a bullet... no offense, Derek, but we would have made an AWFUL couple.  We are just WAYYYYY too different.  It would have been like an lioness dating a emu.  I’d eat you.  Just sayin’...

So.... two months have passed....so there is another one. I know, I know.  But I’m single, give me a break.

Brad: a guy I’ve been in communication with since March... we’ve hung out like once or twice.  He looks like a movie star.  I want to eat him (in a more pleasant way than the emu).  He’s delicious.  He’s extremely talented too.  Pretty much the whole package.  We get along really well.  He lives out of state, but he comes back to Maine every once in a while.  Well, every single friggin time he comes home (his family is in Maine), he texts and tells me he’s coming and wants to get together.  Well guess what?  It NEVER happens.  Every single friggin time.  He plays games.  I’m not into games.  Why go out of your way to tell me every single friggin time, then not even make an effort?! AHHHH. It’s ridiculous.  Well, he was here a couple weeks ago.  He told me he was here.  I did not make an effort.  I’m over it.  My roommates hate him.  BRAD is a swear word in our house.  

As mentioned in the first boyfriend post, this list is not conclusive.  I have had a couple experiences with nice guys that I’ve maintained pretty solid friendships with.  So, naturally, they didn’t make it to the list of losers.  And not to jinx myself, but I believe I’ve met my soulmate.  Okay. I’m being dramatic.  But for real, we all have one person that just gets you.... a really great friend who’s similarity to you is freakishly wonderful that you wonder where they’ve been your whole life.  It’s definitely nothing serious at this time, but who knows?  No rush.  Even if it doesn’t develop into anything more, its the beginning to a beautiful friendship, which, at this point in my life, I value more than anything else.  Wahooo.    

Hope you enjoyed it.  And if you didn’t... you can Go BRAD yourself. 

:)