Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Let It Rain

Tonight’s post is an outpour.... an indecisive set of emotions, heart wrenching fear, tragic passion.  
I know I’m choosing to go through this process publicly, however, I don’t really know what to say... 
I value you reading this, because then it’s like you’re going through it with me, sorry about that.  Hopefully you’re not nearly as exhausted as I am. 
I found out my ex-husband is engaged. 
Nope. Not only is he dating someone else, he has found “the one” he wants to join his hand in marriage with.  
We got divorced on September 26th, 2011.  72 days ago.  
We separated on March 10th, 2011.  272 days ago.
We were together for 8 years. That’s roughly 2920 days.
nearly THREE THOUSAND DAYS spent loving one another, getting to know one another, working through things, creating lives with each other.
....but it takes him less than 72 days to decide he’s moved on?  It makes absolutely no sense to me.
I couldn’t even think of dating anyone else.... I’m still recovering from him. clearly.
The first guy I thought was maybe perhaps a possibility broke my heart this past weekend.... told me he didn’t mean to lead me on... bullshit.  Of course, figures that the first guy I open myself up to even a little bit is the first to also disregard my heart.  But anyway... I wasn’t even  looking for a relationship... just looking for someone to share pieces of my life with.  MILES away from engagement.  what the eff is that? Marriage scares the hell out of me.  But not him, I guess.
This is way harder than I thought it would ever be...
It kills my ego. I’m told I have great qualities... and to be honest, I know I’m a great person.  I have pretty tremendous confidence, sometimes too much *I talk like this cuz I can back it up* (Oh Beyonce) but even so, it doesn’t mean my heart is incapable of being broken.  He couldn’t fight for the woman he spend nearly three thousands days with, yet he can decide he wants to give it a shot with someone he has had less than a year to get to know!? WTF!? 
All things end. With good reason.  But it still bothers me.   

Why does he get to be happy?  Granted, I am happier now than I ever was with him... but I'm happy by myself.  How can he find happiness with someone else so fast?  Someone explain this to me.  I.just.don' 
This is not all rainbows and sunshine.
It hurts so bad.
The day I got divorced, I threw myself a party.... it was an incredible party at that.  So what do I do today?  Today’s the day I’m truly supposed to be over it.  I mean, I want him to be happy.  I’m glad he’s found someone else.  Maybe I’m jealous?  Yeah, I guess that’s part of it.  I’m envious of the fact that he can move on so fast with someone else, yet I can’t even think of holding another dude’s hand without feeling nauseous.  When you open yourself up to someone, you allow yourself to being susceptible to heartbreak.  And it happens, as I understand and have experienced. .... and based on my experience, all people suck.  They just want to use you and abuse you.  I know, I’m a scored woman, so my opinion of men doesn’t really matter.  But show me a good man and I’ll show you a good woman who can love him.... or at least try.    
I’m afraid I’m not very articulate tonight.  To be honest, I haven’t cried this much in months.  I feel betrayed.  Why?  We aren’t together.  I guess it’s about respect.  8 effing years.... and he’s already engaged in 8 months from our separation.  Wow.  It cuts deep.  
My heart is so heavy. It’s been through so much.  I’ve probably lost a whole 5 years of my life based on the trauma I’ve put my heart through the last 9 months.  
As I’ve mentioned 13350493 times now, I have incredible people in my life.  My best friend called and another stopped by (unannounced) the second they found out.  They serve as reminders that there are a few decent people out there that have my best interest in mind.
Clearly it wasn’t meant to be for he and I.  I’m okay with that.  No, I’m more than okay with that.  He’s “happy” and I know someday I will be too.  It definitely won’t be in 8 months, but hey, there’s no real timeframe or time limit (as he’s so arrogantly demonstrated).  I’ll get my chance.  I’ll find a big beefy man who loves me for me.  Who treats me like the queen I am.  Someone who isn’t afraid of my personality.  Someone who can hold their own, but who isn’t afraid of my accomplishments, dreams, or determination.  A man who can hold my hand but who can also stand up for me.  This man exists.  Someday.  
But until then, I’ll just curl up in my bed and wallow.  Leave me the hell alone.  I’m allowed to wallow.  By tomorrow I’ll be back to Miss Independent status... let me feel weak for a moment.  I am human after all.  

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