Tuesday, May 15, 2012

It's Been A While...

Why do girls hate each other?
Hey, this is a serious question.  Why do girls hate each other?  It doesn’t make sense.  I’ve thought long and hard about this and I can’t come up with a logical answer.  Here are a few thoughts based on experience:
Ignorance: Just simply not knowing about another female.  Girls do it all the time.  We all do it... we snap judge based on false pretenses.  We all think we know where another girl is coming from just simply based on seeing her.  Wrong.  Looks are 100% deceiving.  And those that say “What you see is what you get” are lying.  Or retarded.  Perhaps both.  Because if that was a genuine true statement, I’d be a confident, hilarious, independent Native American lady.  Although all those things are true, that’s not all I am.  I’m honest, yet scared.  I’ve tasted the blood of another’s sword.  (That’s a metaphor, folks.)  I get lonely sometimes and allow myself to be vulnerable.  But above all else, I’m a survivor.  We all have our stories, I’m sure if you knew my REAL story, your perception of me may change... actually, I guarantee it.  But that’s for another post... in a far far away land.  ANYWAY... we all have our stories.  We all have our secrets and our experiences that have molded us to be who we are.  Making assumptions about someone’s motivations based on a loose understanding of who they are with no foundation of knowledge of their intent is absolutely stupid.  Grow up.  
Jealousy: Perhaps the biggest reason why a female would hate on another female.  Jealousy itself is not an emotion.  Jealousy is driven by other emotions and can creep up for a variety of reasons, but the biggest reason is fear.  Afraid of what a girl could do that may jeopardize a particular set of circumstances for another.  Examples include fear that she will come after your man (sounds like you need to have a little more trust in YOUR man, ladies... and if the girl comes after your boy, punch her out, don’t get jealous. What a waste.)  Or, perhaps you’re an attention whore who fears she’ll lose having everyone else’s attention.   Sounds pretty greedy to me.  
All of you outspoken women need to stand up. Quit being bitches.  Seriously.  Just because you’re a beautiful, smart, independent woman does NOT mean you’re superior to other ladies or should feel threatened by those with similar qualities to you.  Get together. Join forces.  Stop the hate.  It’s ridiculous.  It’s for this exact reason that we haven’t had a woman president.... well, maybe not the only reason, but goddamnit, it has something to do with it, I just know it.   
I’ve said my piece.  Now on to more exciting matters... 
Interested facts or thoughts I’ve had recently! (Oh shush, you’re reading this because you’re curious or you love/hate me... so, why would you expect anything else?)
I can’t stand women that judge what others are wearing.  ...Who friggin cares what you’re wearing? Just be yourself.  Some of us can’t help if we’re fabulous.  What? I’m serious.  
I’ve lived in 6 towns/cities in 7 years.
Carnies smell like patchouli and bratwurst.
Denzel Washington is the perfect man.
I’m a Mac fan.  Microsoft.... booooooo.
I didn’t like high school.  Mostly because a guy I went to school with made it a living hell for me.  He has since apologized.
At the same time, I was Prom Princess.  So, apparently I well liked, except by him.  Asshole.  
No one can ever figure out my nationality.  I’m racially ambiguous.  I’ve been asked if I was Brazilian, Mexican, Colombian, Mulatto, Eastern Indian, Greek, and Italian.  Others just think I’m tan.
I’m a proud member of the Passamaquoddy Tribe of Motahkmikuk at Peter Dana Point.  
I have a zero racism policy.  
Although I’m Native American, my navigation skills are lacking.  I had to use my GPS to get to work in Belfast, ME for an entire month.  I work one mile away.  Yeah, it’s THAT bad.
I’m 100% aware that my above two statements contradict one another.  
I used to be straight edge.  Up until 2011, I could count the amount of drinks I had on one hand.  I was still fun though ;)
I suck at bowling.  But one time, I scored a 189.  
I’ve been told I’m a classy redneck.  I love to wear high heels and slinky black dresses, but I also love to four wheel with my family and get a little dirty.
I don’t own a TV and haven’t in years.
It’s almost impossible for me to watch a movie in one sitting.  It takes a lot to hold my attention.  
A skirt with a sweatshirt?  Really?  That doesn’t make logical sense.
This post has been a month in the making, which is why its so alllllll over the place.  Anyway, May 11th marked exactly one year since I moved back to Maine.  It was also the same day I moved away in 2009 and it marked the day my sister and her husband moved back to Maine.  It’s been a big year.... a beautiful year.  I’m 25 now.  Scary, I know.  But I really feel like I’m starting to make sense of myself.  I’m learning where my priorities lie.  I used to chase dollars and find any way to one-up others, no matter what it cost.  I wouldn’t go back to that life if you paid me (no pun intended).  Through it all, I have learned who my true friends are.  When I was in my darkest moments, you came through.... opened your hearts to me.  You laughed and cried with me.  You redirected your life for me.  You know who you are.  Those horrible yet wonderful nights hugging and crying in the streets, making pierogies at 2 am, cats riding off into the sunset, high heels in the snow, swapping shoes, highligher shirts, bocci balls, pumpkin park, jammin to the early 90s, so many photos, makin it wink, twerk, babies everywhere, PAY PAY, Drake, dance partners, sleepovers, mt everest, diva walks, and most importantly... those long walks and long talks.  
I’ve made mistakes.  HUGE mistakes... but somehow, through it all I managed to find some of the most remarkable people that ever exploded onto this planet.  When I changed my life...when I changed my lifestyle, those from my previous life questioned my decisions.  They asked if the kind of people I chose to associate myself with were the right kind of people to surround myself with during my transition phase from the “J” life to the single life.  Well... it’s 100% safe for me to say I didn’t choose these people, they chose me.  And I am the luckiest girl on earth because of it.  From my fabulous roomies to my gorgeous bestie, Asian best boy friend and amazing, handsome boyfriend whom I adore.  I love you all... and I don’t say that lightly.  Thanks for not giving up on me <3

Thursday, March 1, 2012

No Rainbow Without Rain

Prepare yourself, this one is slightly lengthy...
I know, I know... It’s been a good two months since I wrote anything.  To be honest, it’s your fault.  The pressure was just too much.  Haha, just kidding.  But really... I just needed a little break.  As it turns out, sharing your life with the public can cause you a little bit of scrutiny from time to time.  Who woulda thought!?  Anyway, I decided to take a rest from sharing.  Life got a little crazy and I just didn’t need everyone watching my every move again.  Not in that moment at least.
To be honest, I got a little creeped out.  I have a lot of friends.  I went to two high schools, two colleges, I’ve lived in three states, and I have 52 cousins on my mom’s side (I know, right!? Who does that?)  Facebook has been kind of essential in keeping track of everyone as well as keeping in touch with my loves.  So, my facebook friend listing is slightly extensive.  When I started this blog and decided to share it on the book, I kind of let it slip through my mind that EVERYONE would be able to read it.  And I mean EVERYONE.  My ex’s family, elementary school teachers, kids I used to mentor, and my nana.  That’s quite the mix to be reading all of the scandalous things I share.  So, I decided to tone it down, but not too much.  Don’t want to deviate too far away from the norm...that would be just awkward.  But GOD don’t I love awkward.  But yeah, people were coming up and asking about stuff I’d post on Facebook.  Like ask if I’m still going to the gym with specific people, or comment about facebook photos, or where I was spending my time.  To top it all off, some even started pointing out friends of mine from facebook, without ever meeting them.  It just got creepy.  
So, people really do love this shit.  They eat it up.  (Personally, I don’t think eating shit sounds appetizing, but whatever, it’s your deal).  So, I don‘t want to disappoint.  You look hungry.  On to the drama.
I have no idea about the last few posts.  I don’t read my stuff after it’s posted.  So, SORRYYYY if I repost stuff you already know.  Anyway... J is married.  Cool. We know this.  I guess he got married on New Year’s Eve.  The big D was September 26th, remember.  That’s three months.  Whatever.  Go ahead, get divorced twice before you’re 30.  Okay, I know... that’s not nice.  And chances are great that he’s really in love or whatever, but it just seems strange to me.  Best of luck in that.  Anyway... not only is he married...but he now lives 20 miles from me.  WTF.  REALLY? I moved back here to start over, not be reminded of past mistakes.  No, J and my relationship was not a mistake, I learned so much about myself through our relationship and we had some amazing times that I would not want to share with anyone but him, but I left him in Jersey because that is where he decided to make his life for himself.  WHY THE EFF WOULD YOU MOVE BACK HERE?!#$#@T#$%@ Oh yeah, he brought his wife.  I guess I thought he’d leave her in Jersey... that’s what he pretty much did with the last one.  ANYWAY... how do I feel about this?  It’s different.  I’m not upset.  Just confused.  There are zero opportunities here.  We left this area because he wanted to pursue his music.  I’m doubting he’s any less of a fantastic musician than he was a year ago, so why come back!?  Good luck.  
And now I’m done with that subject.
As I mentioned earlier, I have a boyfriend now.  Two months later and that still seems to be the case.  Honestly, he’s the reason I haven’t been writing.  Boyfriends take up a lot of time!  JEEEEZ.  No, no, it’s not HIS fault.  It’s mine.  I like him.  That’s why I spend time with him, I spose.  Anyway... I failed to mention that when he and I got together, I was hanging out with 4 other people.  Not “hanging out” but talking to 5 in total.  I know, total player.  Not gonna lie, it’s true.  I had to play the game a bit in order to protect myself.  Well, these other 4 guys didn’t like it too much.  Especially since they all found out I was dating P via Facebook.  Whoops.  I spose that was kind of bitchy, wasn’t it?  But I was not exclusive with anyone, did I owe anyone an explanation?  No, I don’t think so.  I stand by that.  But anyway, 2 of the 4 were not phased a bit... turns out they were playing the game as well.  That’s fine.  No tears lost there.  But the other 2... Jesus... you woulda thought I broke off an engagement or something.  Drama drama drama.  One of which... we’ll call him Rick... I feel kind of bad about.  I didn’t mean to, but I led him on.  I know I just said I played the game, but I didn’t play the game with the intensions of hurting anyone.  But as it turns out, someone always gets hurt once you get involved, whether it is emotionally, physically, sexually... doesn’t matter.  But Rick and I have worked through our differences.  I know he knows this is for the best afterall and I’m confident he will find an incredible woman who shares similar interests and who will love him for everything he is.  Unfortunately, I just wasn’t that woman.  Everything happens for a reason, S’more. It does.
On another note, I went home for Christmas... I know this is completely off topic, but whatever.  Well, we had a Christmas Eve Eve party, a “homecoming” party because its the only time all year that all of us are together.  Well, I went this year and I saw nearly everyone I went to high school with.  The majority of them I had not seen since 2005.  I’m a little different now than I was then (THANK GODDDD).  But I had a great time.  Well, when I got there, one of the first questions I received was “Are you dating a girl?”  I was like who, Monica?  HAHAHA. Anyone who knows mi amor, Mon, should love this.  Anyway... he was like “No, Cassandra.”  Uhhh...whattttt?  First of all, this boy has never met Cassandra.  Secondly... WHATTTTTT???  I was like, um, no, I like men, but thanks!  Then I was asked the same question three more times (once from someone in my family) and I just don’t get it.  Are girls no longer able to be close?  Do I spend a lot of time with Cassandra?  Of course, she’s my bestie, I should be allowed to.  So, to set the record straight, No, not a fan of the lady parts, definitely enjoy the other team a bit more.  But even if I did like the ladies, what the eff does it matter?  Cassandra?  Well, at least I’d have good taste.  Quit creepin on facebook and making snap judgements.  If you want to know something, just ask.  Don’t spread rumors just because you think its awesome you queer.  
Okay, back to a constantly avoided topic.  My bf, P.  I don’t name the ones I like, remember.  Although if we’re FB friends, you already know ol Patticakes’ name.  Damnit.  Just gave it away.  Anyway, I’m not talking about this too much.  I don’t talk about the good stuff.  But just know things are going good.  REALLLLL good ;)  Haha. Oh boyyyyyy.  But like any new relationship, you face challenges.  Within the first month, I had three previous flames/boyfriends/”friends” re-enter my life and try to “reconnect”... a couple of which have been mentioned in previous posts so you know that would be interesting.  It was a major test.  Why did they have to test me?  They all KNEW I had a boyfriend.  Slime balls.  That was your first mistake.  I’m not interested in your shenanigans... and I’m a HUGE fan of shenanigans, just not the slimy kind.  You get all sticky and then you have to shower like 15 times to get that shit out.  Ever had slime in your hair?  It’s a bitch to get out.  Not that I’d know.... uhhh... Anyway, I totally triumphed round 1 of assholes trying to eff things up.  I mean, really!?  What were you thinking?  Oh that’s right, you weren’t.  

Furthermore... the drama has seemed to cease in my life as of late.  Only because I am not letting it occur.  It continues to find me, however.  Turns out I was involved in drama with a few girls and I didn’t even know it!  Insecurities and jealousy can really bring out the worst in people.  With that being said, I just ignored it.  Well, I did after a little while.  At first, it really really REALLY bothered me.  I’m a people pleaser.  Not only that, but I LOVE people.  I go out of my way to make others feel comfortable.  Naturally, when girls (yes, multiples... i don’t even know...don’t get me started) bring out the worst in you, you make a decision on whether or not you want to pursue it, or just walk away.  I chose to walk away.  All of the drama surrounded a couple people of whom I’ve disassociated myself from since then.  I know, you must be so proud yet so disappointed at the same time.  Such is the life.  But no worries, there’s still more life to live.    

More great, recent news!
*The roomies are engaged! YAY! So excited for them!!!! Hope you don’t kick me out.  I’m not ready to leave yet.  Please don’t make me, mom!?
*My perfect niece turned one!  WAHOO!!! And she’s walking (or wobbling, not sure which is more accurate) as well as talking.  She is wicked good at saying Hi and No.  Two of the most essential words to know as a lady.  
*My sister, Sarah, is pregnant!  AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I’m stoked.  Being an auntie to mackie has been fantastic.  I can only imagine what kind of ball of wonder my sister will spit out on October 8th.  STOKED.  
To wrap things up, I have to say, life is going pretty great lately.  I finally feel like I’ve got my feel on the ground and my head on my shoulders again (it was touch and go for a while there).  I’ve surrounded myself with amazing people who let me make mistakes and don’t judge me when I came home crying because I got hurt.  The same people have encouraged me to move on and try new things.  
March 10th will be 1 years since J and I separated.  So much has happened in that year.  So so so much pain.  Unwanted pain.  I mean, who really wants pain, unless you’re into S&M (and if that’s the case, then let’s talk ;) ....)  but you need the pain.  It’s necessary.  Tears. Pain. Fear. Drama. Trials. Tests. Uncertainty. ...it’s all imperative, because without it, you could never possibly understand the beauty of simple, pure, old-fashioned love.   

Everyone wants happiness.
No one wants pain.
But you can’t have a rainbow
Without a little rain.
...it’s worth it.  Trust me. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

What a Year

2011.... What a year. Phew.  I made one resolution and one resolution only: Take more risks.  I think it’s safe to say that I kept that resolution.  Let’s recap the last year.
2011 started out like nearly every other year before that.  I was content.  Things were safe.  Up til that point, I hadn’t taken many risks.  At least, not on my own.  J and I were living in Jersey, just doing out thing.  I had an incredible job doing recruiting, marketing, and PR for a private events music company.  2011 started out great.  Then things got interesting.  By the end of January, I started to really question my marriage.  Things hadn’t felt right for quite some time... but by December of 2010, they got wicked weird.  So, by late January, the sense of entrapment ensued.  February 1st, I started my second contract with a non-profit organization in New York City.  This organization changed my outlook on so many things.  I learned about passion and corruption, community and self-preservation, motivation and deception.  The people at this organization also taught me a lot.  AMAZING people.  It is within this organization that I met two of the strongest, most beautiful native women I’ve ever encountered (aside from the women in my own family, of course).  They inspired me and encouraged me to make the best decision of my life.  March 10th, 2011: J and I separated.  I didn’t move out... mostly because I was afraid if I did, he‘d leave the lease all to me and I’d get screwed when he stopped paying.  Not that he’d do that...but it was threatened at one point...  He refused to move out... so I moved all my shit out into the living room and slept there.  Luckily, my contract with the second organization was pretty demanding, so I was only home to sleep and shower.  This routine continued for two months until the contract ended April 30th... the same day my sister graduated from a 19 month long, life-changing program that probably saved her life.  Actually, no probablies about it.  It truly did.  
May 9th, 2011... the final confrontation commenced between J and I.  At this point, he still didn’t get that our separation was final (even though we hadn’t talked in months...not too bright, I tell ya).  I had one final question for him, of which I knew the answer.... and he lied.  I already had my mind made up at that point about what I’d do if he wasn’t honest.  So....
May 10th, 2011... two years to the day that I left Maine, I moved back.  I left jers with nothing except the clothes on my back (and a car full of clothes as well... WHAT? I’m the kind of girl that knows what she likes... don’t judge).  
I spent the whole month of May in Milbridge.  Anyone that has spent any significant amount of time in Milbridge knows how painful of a transition that was.... especially from New York City.... but it was perfect.  My mom and step padre were incredible.  It was such a difficult time and they were amazing. 

June 13th, 2011.... I moved in with two of my best friends.  They got me a job AND let me live with them= amazing, compassionate, self-less people.  I started my new job... something completely different.... but different isn’t always bad.  This job kicked my ass.  I’m used to being awesome.  Nope. Not at this job.  
Whoa... okay... I started writing that first part yesterday.  I have to warn ya, I’m sick.  I’m a big ol baby. I only have a cold, but wow...you would think by looking at me that I had scurvy or something equally as awesome.  But anyway...I took NyQuil like 6 minutes ago, so I can’t guarantee that this post won’t get a little silly.  I’ll do my best.
September 26th, 2011: The divorce was final.  J didn’t even show up.  Awesome.  Loved standing before the judge alone. Bastard.  No worries. I threw myself a party.  Great times. Great people. Ahhh I just love Belfast.
The months of October, November, and December seemed to pass by in a blur.  One dramatic experience to another.  I got my heart broken.  It was humiliating.  I never even meant to let him in, but I did and he played games with me.  I haven’t shared this story with y’all yet....would you care to hear?
For a couple months I was talking to an old friend (I guess we were kind of friends) who was overseas, serving a tour of Afghanistan.  We talked for hours everyday.  We’d skype and message each other.  By the end of our first conversation rekindling our friendship, we had nicknames for one another.  Yeah, I know, it was THAT good.  He was such a breath of fresh air.  No games.  He was honest about everything.  He fed me lines about how he never felt such a strong connection with someone so fast... and like an idiot, I fell for them.  I opened up.  I shared shit with this fool that I haven’t even told my closest friends.  
Well... we made plans for him to visit while he was on leave.  Good and dandy.  Well... like 4 days before he was supposed to come visit, he mentioned that things were busier than he thought and he was experiencing some family stuff and he wouldn’t really be able to come that weekend but that he’d still love to see me.  Me, being the compassionate retard I am, figured he was legit.  So, I wished him luck and guaranteed that we’d figure it out while he was still home.  So, instead of hanging out at home that weekend, I went to Portland to visit my Dad.  While I was there, I stopped in the mall for like 15 minutes to try to find a dress for my Holiday Gala at work the next weekend.  No luck.  The mall was insane.  People everywherrrrrre. And y’all know how much I hate people.  Not all people, just ignorant people.  Anyway... I was just leaving the mall.  I was walking around, just minding my own business.... and I don’t know about you, but when I’m at stores, I don’t really check people out.  I just kinda keep to myself. I window shop and dilly dally around.  Well, I just so happened to look across the mall at a couple that was walking in the opposite direction on the other side of the aisle.  It was him.  And a girl.  I was stunned. Shocked.  My heart fell into the pit of my stomach.  My jaw literally dropped and I stopped in the middle of holiday foot traffic.  I watched him walk away.  He didn’t see me.  I thought about chasing him... but then I thought that would be creepy.  Regardless... I was virtually surprised.  He fooled me.  How could I let him fool me?  I texted him and he made up some bullshit that I was planning on going to NYC (I decided to go only AFTER he told me he couldn’t go) and that he hadn’t meant to lead me on.  BULLLLLLLLLshit.  He played me.  Oh, he played me goooood.  Touche.  Nice work, playa.  Didn’t see that one coming.  Well... to follow-up, he and the girl I saw him with are dating now.  I wonder if she knows about all the bull he fed me?  Maybe he fed her the same lines.  Probably.  I have no faith in humans.  He knew this.  He proved me right. 
So, I fumed over this for a good 15 minutes.  Okay... more than a week, but then it donned on me... of ALLLL the friggin people in that mall that day, of all the places, the timing, everything... what are the chances?  I don’t know about you, but I believe everything happens for a reason.  Because of this, I got over this fool.  He may have effed with me, but I’m the one that won in the end... I mean... could you imagine the heartbreak otherwise?  Seeing is believing.  I clearly needed to see that.  I just hope he realizes how awful of a person he is.  He knew I didn’t give second chances.  Life is too short to eff with assholes.  Well, it’s safe to say that I haven’t talked to him since.  Will I?  I can’t say for sure.  But I just know he hit a tough spot.  He knew I didn’t play games, yet he played the biggest game of all.  Ahhhh. Friggin humans.  I know no one is perfect, but you can’t say you don’t know that you’re going to hurt someone when you eff with their head.  Useless.
To top off my year, on Christmas Eve, I find out J is getting married.... in a week.  On New Years Eve, evidently J tied the knot with some unsuspecting victim.  Say WHAT? Uhhh.... awkward.  Wow. Crazy.  If you read my last post, you know how that makes me feel... but if not, I’ll sum it up in one word: shit.  Jealous? Possibly a little.  Angry? Hell yeah.  What the eff?  Oh well, that’s his funeral.  I’m never getting married again.  Evidently I didn’t damage him enough to discourage him from ever considering marriage again.  He should be thanking me.  
Also on Christmas eve, I got my step padre a scratch off that won he and mi madre $25,000.00.  Not kidding.  BOBDOW kept saying it was the best Christmas ever.  hahaha.  I’d say so.  I think I gave the best gift, not gonna lie.  ....I’m still waiting for that finder’s fee.  Just sayin.  
New Years Eve was phenomenal.  I spent it with some of my favorites.  Oh... and I have  boyfriend now.  I know, I know... I’m retarded.  I complain about everything and then BAM! SURPRISE!!!! I bet you’re wondering where he came from!?  Yeah... not really gonna share that jazz yet, because it’s still so new (we’ve been dating for a whole 6 days... so give me a break).  But to give you an idea... he and I have been talking for months.  He’s a great guy.  He was very persistent.  Quite confident. I had to give him a shot.  Especially since he gave me his shoes to walk home in after the Holiday Gala (he walked back in socks) after I refused to wear my 5 inch heels during my trek up mount everest.  Told ya... great guy.  Me... not as much of a great girl, clearly.  I made the guy walk home in socks and cut his feet all to pieces because of vanity.  But trust me, it was worth it.  Smoooookin.    
It was a big year for the Fitch/Stanley/Dow household.  Krista and her boyfriend bought a house.  BJ and his wife had a baby.  Sarah got married. Donald bought a house AND got engaged.  Oh... and Sonja got a divorce.  Who’s the screwup in this family now?  And we all thought it would be Donnie.  Just kidding, D!  I’ll own the title for a little while, but no worries, I plan on giving it back to one of you.  
Things are finally starting to turn around.  I haven’t been this happy or in tune with my own needs, likes, and desires in my entire life.  I’m the luckiest girl in the world.  
THANKS FOR READING AGAIN.  I like all the feedback I’ve been getting, so PLEASE!!! Keep it coming!  Send me a facebook message if you have questions, comments, or if you have specific things you’d like to see included in future posts.  I’m all eyes, babe.  <3