Monday, November 28, 2011

Thank You...

Thursday was Thanksgiving.... the first major holiday since the divorce.  I thought it would be just fine, but I gave in and got a little sad.  This time last year, I was in New York City, in the heart of Manhattan, watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  My best friend and parents drove down to spend the holiday with me and J.  We went to J’s aunt’s house where about 25 people were gathered.  I used to work for J’s uncle.  He and I not only rode into the city together every day, but we also shared an office.  That meant for a LOT of quality time spent together.  We grew really close.  He was like a surrogate father and mentor in both business and life.  He’s the one that encouraged me to pursue consulting with other companies for strategic communications and social media.  Needless to say, spending the holidays with that family was a joy.  It was the best thanksgiving I had ever had by far.  I loved that family.  Truth being, I still do.  Of course I miss them.  I genuinely hope they’re doing well and that the business flourishes. 
Naturally, this thanksgiving was a little depressing to me.  The thought of going and spending the holidays with my family was so sad.  J was always there.  ALWAYS.  Even when I didn’t want him to be.  He was a little creeper.  Just popping up out of no where.  Sometimes, I miss that.  Even more so, I wonder why I miss him at all if this was my decision.   I was the one that made the decision to leave.  I’m the one that packed up my car and left with only clothes and memories....leaving behind all the things that defined my success to that point.  It was me.  Not him.  So why do I miss him, especially during the holidays that typically turned into a big fight about something stupid?  Because I’m human.  I know.  I hate humans.  Ugghh.  So many feeeeelings.  But the truth is, he was a part of my life for so long, important days, like holidays, revolved around time spent not only with one another, but also with each other’s families.  We tend to forget that when a couple gets divorced, it is the separation of two families.  And although relationships can be maintained regardless of the divorce, we all know that it will never be the same.  So, as Thanksgiving got closer, I realized I needed to do something different so as to avoid holiday heartbreak.
This year, I spent it with my best friend and her family.  It was a small gathering of only a few of us, but it couldn’t have been more perfect.  The laughter, conversations, and fooooooood... oh boyyyy.  It was perfect.  And while I was sitting there, enjoying my third helping of sweet potatoes (HOLY DELICIOUSNESSSSS), I got to thinking.... I am the luckiest girl in the world.  Now this is the part I know you’re all waiting for.... but I want to share the joys of my life.  I share the heartbreak a lot, so I figured I’d share the joy as well.  I know I’ve done a THANK YOU style post before, however... this one is a little different.  There’s some serious name dropping going on.  If you don’t want to be in this post, I’m sorry... but we’re friends for frig sake. of course you’d make it into one of these.  
First and foremost..... my family.   
Madre- the most beautiful woman I know.  You’re the strongest, most interesting person in the world.  I mean that with love, of course.  I know you worry about me and as twisted as it sounds, I’m thankful for that.  You’re a great mom.  I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world, not even Janet Jackson ;).  BOBDOW- the most incredible step padre a native girl could ask for.  I know I never appreciated you at first, but as I’ve grown and matured, I genuinely credit you for saving our lives.  You’re an amazing husband to mom and a great father to all of us.  But please remember, we’re all crazy because of you.  Just sayin.  Krista- I know we haven’t been close in recent years, but I look up to you a lot.  You take risks and aren’t afraid of anything.... very admirable.  Beej- oh Beej, you’re fantastic.  Thank you for tolerating me and all my craziness throughout the years.  You know I keep things interesting... just admit it.  Meg- You’re a beautiful soul.  Thank you for cultivating my niece, who is the perfect child.  Glow- we have our ups and downs, but at the end of the day, I think we have a mutual understanding.  I love you and I’m glad you’ve found what you’ve been looking for.  Donnie- my biggest little brother. I’m so proud of you. I love your quirkiness.  Alora- Thank you for loving my brother so genuinely.  You’re proof that love gives second chances.  Dad- you’re the best man I know.  I love you more than you’ll ever know or understand.  Nat- you’re an amazing figure in the boys’ lives.  I’m so thankful that they have you (and me too ;)).  Thomas- I love our car rides, jamming out to Taio Cruz and you tolerating me singing at the top of my lungs.  I’m proud of you boy.  Keep your head in the game and you’ll go far.  Al- everyone’s favorite little brother.  What can I say?  You are picked right out of Dad’s butt, so you pretty much make me laugh all day long whenever I’m around.  I love my family.  As dysfunctional we all are, I wouldn’t change a thing.  
Secondly... Roomies <3
Becca- You know me better than anyone else...almost too well....  You have done so much for me that I honestly don’t know where I’d be without you (well, homeless for one...hahha).  I’m so glad that we met that first day on freshman orientation and that we both had psycho roommates.  Best decision ever.   And I’m so glad that we’ve been reunited and that everything has worked out so well.  It just feels so natural.  
Phyllis- Well, Doc, you help me see life in a completely different light.  I love making fun of people with you, accompanied by our long philosophical conversations and our therapy sessions.  But most of all, I love that you make my best friend so happy.  You’re a great dude.  Y’all make me believe in love <3
Next.... the besties!
Cassandra- you’re one of my kind. I do not know a single person that is more like me than you.... which means you’re pretty awesome.  BAHA. I’m hilarious.  Which means you are too. hahha. Oh, I kill me.  But for real, you’re phenomenal. By far the most beautiful person I know. I love your laugh, your optimism, your authenticity, and your killer dance moves.  We’ve been through so much together.  I’m so glad we experienced heartbreak at the exact same time, as sick and twisted as that may seem.  TRIFECTA <3
Kyle- BFF. You’re amazing. You know me so well. I don’t even have to talk and you just get it. I am sooooo thankful you entered my life.  
Megan- You’re such a great person.  Our relationship may have changed, but you know I still love you.  I’m happy you’re still in my life.
Biggie- Imagine if I never moved to Belfast?  Our lives would be soooo empty! The memories we’ve made.... including Jackson, shaggy boys, Pauly D, crazy boys.... more boys. Hahaha. Big. We get into trouble together, but I love it.  Including Julio Jr.  Kamikazes.  BAM. I miss you.
Work Friends!
Alexa- My little highlighter.  You’re such a beautiful person, inside and out.  You literally are one of the kindest women I know.  I’m glad you were stuck in Maine all summer.  Can’t wait to get crazy together again :)
Stephen J Smith- my favorite neighbor.  Our shared love of music is what I like most about you.  That and the fact that you’re half asian.  You know how much I love bok choy.  :)
Matthew- bake me a pecan pie, please.  Just kiddddding. I am trying lose weight, not gain more from your incredible cooking skills.’re a very inspirational person.  I haven’t met anyone else who enjoys life as much as you.  You’re awesome.  I’m so glad to know you.  
Val- My soul sister.  You inspire me to be a better person.  We are so similar that it sometimes scares me. hahhaha. Can’t wait to run our half marathon in March... maybe March 2013? hahaha. 
Linda- HE’S MARRIED!!!! Probably the funniest woman in the world!  If I’m ever having a rough day, all I have to do is hear your laugh and it brightens my mood.  
Carol- If I am half the woman/mother/friend you are, I know I will be doing well for myself.  You’re incredible.  
Eben- You’re one of my favoritestestestest.  Let’s play spoons again soon :)
Ed- my voice of reason. you’re a cool dude.  Glad I screwed up all my CCP machines at first or else we’d have no reason to communicate. 
Art- My bocci partner.  Told you that you’d make it to a blog post.  Thanks for tuning in and for keeping life interesting and always keeping an eye on the HD for me ;) 
Shellie- SHELL.... my booty wouldn’t be the same without you. HA.  You’re fantastic. We  need to love on one another more often.  I miss our lunch dates.  
Risely- You really helped to provide insight into the big D that is absolutely invaluable.  I’m thankful for your friendship.  
Courtney- hilarious girl! You make life so interesting! I LOVE your stories and your faces.  You crack me right up!
Old Friends!
New York Friends- Shundiin and Serena. Beautiful, smart girls.  You inspired me to make the best decision of my life.  I owe it all to your encouragement and promotion of faith and strength.  
Sierra- Daughter. My crazy, wild, daughter.  It’s been quite the ride. Lots of interesting moments shared. hahhahha. whoops.  
Hometown friends- Morgan, Katie, Hala, Saben, Jason; downeast lovin.  So glad we’ve kept in touch.  Life wouldn’t be the same without you.  
Small, Tiffanie, Ashley, Morgan- my Portland girls.  Y’all know how to have a good time.  So glad we’ve been able to maintain a mutual love and respect for one another.  Sisterhood forever.  
Old School Friends- Sarah Rose and Faith- I love you girls so much. It's amazing to me that we've known each other since we were fetuses yet we still love one another.  My life would literally be a completely different story if y'all weren't in it.  You and your families changed me.  Sorry I didn't mention it the first time, but know that I have so much love in my heart for you.  I miss you. 
Nana and Papa- You saved my life. You are the relationship I model how I want my next marriage to be after (if there is one, of course).  You taught me how to survive, appreciate, but most importantly, how to love.  
Toya- My girl. You know I love you. I'm your little pimento.  You're a gorgeous woman who I admire greatly.  Cannot express how much I miss you. 
Ann- My favorite.  I aspire to be like you.  Ever since college where you scared the hell out of me, I know you had the kind of guts that I needed in order to survive in this market.  I'm glad we've gotten our chance to exchange story ideas.  We NEED to get back on track! I'm planning on getting famous, I don't know about you... ;)
Thennnn.... new friends!
Monica- Get it girrrrrl. You are phenomenal.  The best dance partner I’ve ever had.  So glad I got to meet you and facebook stalk you a bit. hahahaha. It’s allllll goooooood.  Let’s make some memories together. 
Ike- what can I say? We’re the same person.  Except I’m brown and you’re Irish.  I’ve enjoyed the opportunity to get to know you better the last few months.  Wish we had more time, but it is what it is.  Our shared love of ridiculous videos and consuela is what makes me smile more than anything else in this world.  We’ll have our chance, I’m sure, guap.  
Lionel- quit playing games, amigo. You know you’re my s’more.  hahahhaaha.  Get your snowsuit ready.  I’m requesting a one piece.
So, I know I probably hurt some feelings by not including people in this post, but honestly, I cannot include every single person I know in this post.  I have like 1,200 facebook friends, I’m not including y’all in on this. Sorry. 
Now I think about what my life would be like if I hadn’t of moved back to Maine, I may never have gotten a chance to get to know a new family member, Joey.... or meet my perfect niece, Mackie <3  I would have never met my incredible Athena family nor would I have taken the time to get to know myself in such an intimate way.  Sounds kinky.  But anyway.... I have so much to be thankful for this season, so I figured I’d share that love with y’all.  And just when I start to doubt myself or my decisions... I think to myself... I left that life for a reason.  And looking back on all of the above memories and/or people I’ve met the last 9 months, I wouldn’t change a thing.  
Tis the season.  Amidst all this holiday chaos... shopping, cooking, cleaning.... I hope you find some time to reflect on the beauty of this season.  And say thanks to those that have deeply affected your life, because the truth is, you wouldn’t be who you are without their influence... good or bad ; )

Monday, November 14, 2011

How to Love

WARNING....this one is alllllll over the place. I refuse to organize it too. Lazy, I know. ...  
I don’t know what’s going on with me today.  I feel changes in my heart that I haven’t felt before.  It’s all pretty insane.  But this whole process is pretty crazy.  I feel as though I’m entering a new phase of recovery.  But before I get into that...
Let’s recap:
Adjustment Phase: adjusting to being single, but still feeling married.  Awkward.  Uncertain. Curious. Feeling liberated, but not fully free.  The country music phase.  Taylor Swift, you sure as hell can’t sing, but damn...your song writing skills are spot on.  
Mourning Phase: once it finally sinks in that this is happening... mourning the loss of the relationship.  Intense pain. Pain so thick that it lingers on every word, on every thought, on every feeling... I also refer to this as the Adele phase.  
Angry Phase: why didn’t he fight for it? Am I not worth more than that?  Sense of betrayal.  Embarrassed.  Also known as the Three Days Grace phase.  
Miss Independent Phase: a natural transition- “flip him off” kind of emotions. liberation. Doing everything that couldn’t be done before. testing the waters.  Keri Hilson phase.  
Discovery Phase: learning about self. discovering new wonders and joys as a solo human. gaining confidence. feeling strength commence. learning its okay to be single.  Ray LaMontagne.     
....For the last couple months, I’ve been in Discovery.  And although parts of the discovery will continue within this next phase, I’m starting to move on.  How do I know?  I woke up the other morning and realized a lot about myself.  For the first time since March, I’m content.  I am reflective, yet forward thinking.  I’m finally able to open myself up.... not a lot, but just enough...   
You want the truth?  I’m not afraid to fall in love.  I know love can be beautiful if it is shared between two individuals who maintain mutual respect and adoration.  But it’s rare.  
I don’t want to get hurt.
Getting hurt is what I’m afraid of.
And the more I put myself out there, the more likely I am to get hurt.  
The last one I allowed in that deep did a lot of damage.  But HEY.... that’s the reason it’s over, isn’t it?  Not every man is like him.  I have to remind myself of that everyday.     
But I love a challenge... and I can’t allow myself to fall back.  Putting myself out there is the ONLY way I’ll be able to take the next steps in life.  And if it turns out the way it’s been projected.... it’s going to be a beautiful life.       
I know I think too much.  I try real hard to tell my brain to shut upppp, but it's rebellious.  
Everyone has their own perception of how long it takes to move on after the dissolution of a relationship.  I’ve heard it all.  Some say it takes a couple months, others say it takes a bit longer, while some believe it could take years.  Well, I’m not really interested in what works for other people.  Clearly, we’re not all the same.  There is no “Break Up Guide” that fits every situation.  Every relationship is different.  Because we’re all different.  If you move from one relationship to another, that’s fine.  Is it recommended?  Probably not.  But hell, who cares? As long as it works for YOU, go for it.  That hasn’t been my angle, but I’d never discredit what has worked for others.  What I’m trying to say is... I think this is my time.  Will I be getting married next month? ....and you can quote me on this... HELL EFFIN NO.  But it does mean I’m willing to put myself out there.  Not for someone who doesn’t have the time or who wants to play the field for a while and keep me on the sidelines while he figures it out.  Eff that.  I’m special.  You’re special.  We’re all special.  And we deserve to be treated like that.  
If you’re scared too, let’s be scared together.  Because two scared people hanging out sounds like a lot of fun..... uhhh.... yup.  But really, know that you’re not alone.  It’s a big, crazy world out there.  It’s cold.  It’s dark.  It’s lonely.  But being lonely doesn’t mean that you’re alone.  I get it.  ALL TOO WELL, TRUST.  I have tasted more tears the last 8 months than I’m willing to admit, so I get it.  
I’ve been hurt. No... that’s not even it.  My heart has been destroyed.  My whole life, every thing... my view of men, women, and just other humans in general has been so deeply tarnished, I doubt I’ll ever let anyone in like I used to.  Sounds awful, I know, but to me, it’s a good thing.  The less people you let in, the less people you’ll allow to hurt you.  And plus, there are a lot of shitty people in this world... no need to waste your time.   
The song by Lil Wayne “How to Love” was written for me.... and you too, I imagine.  
Follow this YouTube link.. I tried to embed it, but evidently Blogger doesn't like that.  So just copy and paste... sowwyyyyy.... 
My favorite part of the song is this...
“See, You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t ever figure out
How to love, how to love
You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in a corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love
See, I just want you to know that you deserve the best, You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
Yea, and I want you to know
You’re far from the usual, far from the usual”
You deserve happiness.  I don’t care what you’ve done.  I don’t care where you’ve been or what you’ve seen.  It doesn’t matter who you’re family is, if you’re affluent or struggling, nor does it matter how many times you’ve had your heart broken.  What matters is who you are.  Are you a good person?  Do you live your life with truth and respect?  Are you humble and compassionate?  Be true to yourself.  You’re beautiful.  Far from the usual.  Weezy knows it, baby.  If you don’t believe me, watch that video again.  Appreciate your life.  Take risks.  If you meet a truly amazing person, allow yourself to fall in love.  If your heart gets broken, you’ll be okay.  I swear.  It’s scary... but it’s worth it.  Now watch me take my own advice and go out on a limb.  Even if the limb breaks, it’s going to be a wild ride.  Just wait.  

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Boyfriends Update

Someone told me that my blog posts werent juicy enough lately.... guess being content doesn’t make for a lot of meaty, juicy, bloody steak.  Well... I think I conjured up some meat.
***Boyfriends Update***
If you haven’t read the “Boyfriends” post, you need to go read it before this one will make sense.  
So, are you curious of the status of these classy dudes?  I know I am!  So, two months (almost to the day) after the first post comes an inside look at my list of losers.  
Diego: As I mentioned, nothing was going on with this dude as of two months ago.  We tried to stay friends, but it just didn’t work.  There’s just something about someone that cheats that makes you question their intent and honesty (who woulda thought).  Anyway... he kept popping up on facebook, trying to chat.  He’d ask to skype when his girl wasn’t home, but I just wasn’t having it.  And one day, he popped up when I had just gotten bad news completely unrelated and I just laid into him.  Needless to say, Diego and I are officially no longer speaking.  Sorry, no one likes to be used, asshole.  Find some other hoe to play games with.  Not interested.
Cam: Well... I hadn’t heard from him since early September... then BAM! Last night, this dude reappears! It’s like he KNEW I was planning on writing this post.  Well, anyway... to make a long story short, he pretty much confessed his love. again. OH BOYYYY.... GIVE ME A FRIGGIN BREAK.  Then this guy tells me he feels like he missed his chance.  Oh Really?  Ya think?  Agghhhh. Even though all of our communication was via facebook message, he would not lay off.  Tried to make me feel guilty AGAIN for being the person I am.  I’m not a push over.  I refuse to change myself for anyone.  No. Not again.  Anyway... I blocked him.  I changed my cell phone number.  I moved.  Now once I’m able to remove the chip he more than likely installed into my skin, I’ll be completely free of Cam.  Good riddance.  What a waste of time.
Derek: This was the tough one.  I actually wrote that post like the day AFTER Derek and I had our conversation about ending our little fling.  So, I was a little fired up.  Two months later, where are Derek and I?  Well, I think things are all good, for the most part.  Are we as good of friends as we used to be?  No, but it’s all good.  And what about him and that girl?  I guess they’re dating now???  Hmm. Weird.  Slightly awkward.... but it gets less awkward everyday.  I genuinely wish them the best.  To be honest, I feel like I dodged a bullet... no offense, Derek, but we would have made an AWFUL couple.  We are just WAYYYYY too different.  It would have been like an lioness dating a emu.  I’d eat you.  Just sayin’...
So.... two months have there is another one. I know, I know.  But I’m single, give me a break.
Brad: a guy I’ve been in communication with since March... we’ve hung out like once or twice.  He looks like a movie star.  I want to eat him (in a more pleasant way than the emu).  He’s delicious.  He’s extremely talented too.  Pretty much the whole package.  We get along really well.  He lives out of state, but he comes back to Maine every once in a while.  Well, every single friggin time he comes home (his family is in Maine), he texts and tells me he’s coming and wants to get together.  Well guess what?  It NEVER happens.  Every single friggin time.  He plays games.  I’m not into games.  Why go out of your way to tell me every single friggin time, then not even make an effort?! AHHHH. It’s ridiculous.  Well, he was here a couple weeks ago.  He told me he was here.  I did not make an effort.  I’m over it.  My roommates hate him.  BRAD is a swear word in our house.  
As mentioned in the first boyfriend post, this list is not conclusive.  I have had a couple experiences with nice guys that I’ve maintained pretty solid friendships with.  So, naturally, they didn’t make it to the list of losers.  And not to jinx myself, but I believe I’ve met my soulmate.  Okay. I’m being dramatic.  But for real, we all have one person that just gets you.... a really great friend who’s similarity to you is freakishly wonderful that you wonder where they’ve been your whole life.  It’s definitely nothing serious at this time, but who knows?  No rush.  Even if it doesn’t develop into anything more, its the beginning to a beautiful friendship, which, at this point in my life, I value more than anything else.  Wahooo.    
Hope you enjoyed it.  And if you didn’t... you can Go BRAD yourself.