Monday, November 14, 2011

How to Love

WARNING....this one is alllllll over the place. I refuse to organize it too. Lazy, I know. ...  
I don’t know what’s going on with me today.  I feel changes in my heart that I haven’t felt before.  It’s all pretty insane.  But this whole process is pretty crazy.  I feel as though I’m entering a new phase of recovery.  But before I get into that...
Let’s recap:
Adjustment Phase: adjusting to being single, but still feeling married.  Awkward.  Uncertain. Curious. Feeling liberated, but not fully free.  The country music phase.  Taylor Swift, you sure as hell can’t sing, but damn...your song writing skills are spot on.  
Mourning Phase: once it finally sinks in that this is happening... mourning the loss of the relationship.  Intense pain. Pain so thick that it lingers on every word, on every thought, on every feeling... I also refer to this as the Adele phase.  
Angry Phase: why didn’t he fight for it? Am I not worth more than that?  Sense of betrayal.  Embarrassed.  Also known as the Three Days Grace phase.  
Miss Independent Phase: a natural transition- “flip him off” kind of emotions. liberation. Doing everything that couldn’t be done before. testing the waters.  Keri Hilson phase.  
Discovery Phase: learning about self. discovering new wonders and joys as a solo human. gaining confidence. feeling strength commence. learning its okay to be single.  Ray LaMontagne.     
....For the last couple months, I’ve been in Discovery.  And although parts of the discovery will continue within this next phase, I’m starting to move on.  How do I know?  I woke up the other morning and realized a lot about myself.  For the first time since March, I’m content.  I am reflective, yet forward thinking.  I’m finally able to open myself up.... not a lot, but just enough...   
You want the truth?  I’m not afraid to fall in love.  I know love can be beautiful if it is shared between two individuals who maintain mutual respect and adoration.  But it’s rare.  
I don’t want to get hurt.
Getting hurt is what I’m afraid of.
And the more I put myself out there, the more likely I am to get hurt.  
The last one I allowed in that deep did a lot of damage.  But HEY.... that’s the reason it’s over, isn’t it?  Not every man is like him.  I have to remind myself of that everyday.     
But I love a challenge... and I can’t allow myself to fall back.  Putting myself out there is the ONLY way I’ll be able to take the next steps in life.  And if it turns out the way it’s been projected.... it’s going to be a beautiful life.       
I know I think too much.  I try real hard to tell my brain to shut upppp, but it's rebellious.  
Everyone has their own perception of how long it takes to move on after the dissolution of a relationship.  I’ve heard it all.  Some say it takes a couple months, others say it takes a bit longer, while some believe it could take years.  Well, I’m not really interested in what works for other people.  Clearly, we’re not all the same.  There is no “Break Up Guide” that fits every situation.  Every relationship is different.  Because we’re all different.  If you move from one relationship to another, that’s fine.  Is it recommended?  Probably not.  But hell, who cares? As long as it works for YOU, go for it.  That hasn’t been my angle, but I’d never discredit what has worked for others.  What I’m trying to say is... I think this is my time.  Will I be getting married next month? ....and you can quote me on this... HELL EFFIN NO.  But it does mean I’m willing to put myself out there.  Not for someone who doesn’t have the time or who wants to play the field for a while and keep me on the sidelines while he figures it out.  Eff that.  I’m special.  You’re special.  We’re all special.  And we deserve to be treated like that.  
If you’re scared too, let’s be scared together.  Because two scared people hanging out sounds like a lot of fun..... uhhh.... yup.  But really, know that you’re not alone.  It’s a big, crazy world out there.  It’s cold.  It’s dark.  It’s lonely.  But being lonely doesn’t mean that you’re alone.  I get it.  ALL TOO WELL, TRUST.  I have tasted more tears the last 8 months than I’m willing to admit, so I get it.  
I’ve been hurt. No... that’s not even it.  My heart has been destroyed.  My whole life, every thing... my view of men, women, and just other humans in general has been so deeply tarnished, I doubt I’ll ever let anyone in like I used to.  Sounds awful, I know, but to me, it’s a good thing.  The less people you let in, the less people you’ll allow to hurt you.  And plus, there are a lot of shitty people in this world... no need to waste your time.   
The song by Lil Wayne “How to Love” was written for me.... and you too, I imagine.  
Follow this YouTube link.. I tried to embed it, but evidently Blogger doesn't like that.  So just copy and paste... sowwyyyyy.... 
My favorite part of the song is this...
“See, You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t ever figure out
How to love, how to love
You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in a corner tryna put it together
How to love, how to love
See, I just want you to know that you deserve the best, You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
Yea, and I want you to know
You’re far from the usual, far from the usual”
You deserve happiness.  I don’t care what you’ve done.  I don’t care where you’ve been or what you’ve seen.  It doesn’t matter who you’re family is, if you’re affluent or struggling, nor does it matter how many times you’ve had your heart broken.  What matters is who you are.  Are you a good person?  Do you live your life with truth and respect?  Are you humble and compassionate?  Be true to yourself.  You’re beautiful.  Far from the usual.  Weezy knows it, baby.  If you don’t believe me, watch that video again.  Appreciate your life.  Take risks.  If you meet a truly amazing person, allow yourself to fall in love.  If your heart gets broken, you’ll be okay.  I swear.  It’s scary... but it’s worth it.  Now watch me take my own advice and go out on a limb.  Even if the limb breaks, it’s going to be a wild ride.  Just wait.  

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