Thursday, March 1, 2012

No Rainbow Without Rain

Prepare yourself, this one is slightly lengthy...
I know, I know... It’s been a good two months since I wrote anything.  To be honest, it’s your fault.  The pressure was just too much.  Haha, just kidding.  But really... I just needed a little break.  As it turns out, sharing your life with the public can cause you a little bit of scrutiny from time to time.  Who woulda thought!?  Anyway, I decided to take a rest from sharing.  Life got a little crazy and I just didn’t need everyone watching my every move again.  Not in that moment at least.
To be honest, I got a little creeped out.  I have a lot of friends.  I went to two high schools, two colleges, I’ve lived in three states, and I have 52 cousins on my mom’s side (I know, right!? Who does that?)  Facebook has been kind of essential in keeping track of everyone as well as keeping in touch with my loves.  So, my facebook friend listing is slightly extensive.  When I started this blog and decided to share it on the book, I kind of let it slip through my mind that EVERYONE would be able to read it.  And I mean EVERYONE.  My ex’s family, elementary school teachers, kids I used to mentor, and my nana.  That’s quite the mix to be reading all of the scandalous things I share.  So, I decided to tone it down, but not too much.  Don’t want to deviate too far away from the norm...that would be just awkward.  But GOD don’t I love awkward.  But yeah, people were coming up and asking about stuff I’d post on Facebook.  Like ask if I’m still going to the gym with specific people, or comment about facebook photos, or where I was spending my time.  To top it all off, some even started pointing out friends of mine from facebook, without ever meeting them.  It just got creepy.  
So, people really do love this shit.  They eat it up.  (Personally, I don’t think eating shit sounds appetizing, but whatever, it’s your deal).  So, I don‘t want to disappoint.  You look hungry.  On to the drama.
I have no idea about the last few posts.  I don’t read my stuff after it’s posted.  So, SORRYYYY if I repost stuff you already know.  Anyway... J is married.  Cool. We know this.  I guess he got married on New Year’s Eve.  The big D was September 26th, remember.  That’s three months.  Whatever.  Go ahead, get divorced twice before you’re 30.  Okay, I know... that’s not nice.  And chances are great that he’s really in love or whatever, but it just seems strange to me.  Best of luck in that.  Anyway... not only is he married...but he now lives 20 miles from me.  WTF.  REALLY? I moved back here to start over, not be reminded of past mistakes.  No, J and my relationship was not a mistake, I learned so much about myself through our relationship and we had some amazing times that I would not want to share with anyone but him, but I left him in Jersey because that is where he decided to make his life for himself.  WHY THE EFF WOULD YOU MOVE BACK HERE?!#$#@T#$%@ Oh yeah, he brought his wife.  I guess I thought he’d leave her in Jersey... that’s what he pretty much did with the last one.  ANYWAY... how do I feel about this?  It’s different.  I’m not upset.  Just confused.  There are zero opportunities here.  We left this area because he wanted to pursue his music.  I’m doubting he’s any less of a fantastic musician than he was a year ago, so why come back!?  Good luck.  
And now I’m done with that subject.
As I mentioned earlier, I have a boyfriend now.  Two months later and that still seems to be the case.  Honestly, he’s the reason I haven’t been writing.  Boyfriends take up a lot of time!  JEEEEZ.  No, no, it’s not HIS fault.  It’s mine.  I like him.  That’s why I spend time with him, I spose.  Anyway... I failed to mention that when he and I got together, I was hanging out with 4 other people.  Not “hanging out” but talking to 5 in total.  I know, total player.  Not gonna lie, it’s true.  I had to play the game a bit in order to protect myself.  Well, these other 4 guys didn’t like it too much.  Especially since they all found out I was dating P via Facebook.  Whoops.  I spose that was kind of bitchy, wasn’t it?  But I was not exclusive with anyone, did I owe anyone an explanation?  No, I don’t think so.  I stand by that.  But anyway, 2 of the 4 were not phased a bit... turns out they were playing the game as well.  That’s fine.  No tears lost there.  But the other 2... Jesus... you woulda thought I broke off an engagement or something.  Drama drama drama.  One of which... we’ll call him Rick... I feel kind of bad about.  I didn’t mean to, but I led him on.  I know I just said I played the game, but I didn’t play the game with the intensions of hurting anyone.  But as it turns out, someone always gets hurt once you get involved, whether it is emotionally, physically, sexually... doesn’t matter.  But Rick and I have worked through our differences.  I know he knows this is for the best afterall and I’m confident he will find an incredible woman who shares similar interests and who will love him for everything he is.  Unfortunately, I just wasn’t that woman.  Everything happens for a reason, S’more. It does.
On another note, I went home for Christmas... I know this is completely off topic, but whatever.  Well, we had a Christmas Eve Eve party, a “homecoming” party because its the only time all year that all of us are together.  Well, I went this year and I saw nearly everyone I went to high school with.  The majority of them I had not seen since 2005.  I’m a little different now than I was then (THANK GODDDD).  But I had a great time.  Well, when I got there, one of the first questions I received was “Are you dating a girl?”  I was like who, Monica?  HAHAHA. Anyone who knows mi amor, Mon, should love this.  Anyway... he was like “No, Cassandra.”  Uhhh...whattttt?  First of all, this boy has never met Cassandra.  Secondly... WHATTTTTT???  I was like, um, no, I like men, but thanks!  Then I was asked the same question three more times (once from someone in my family) and I just don’t get it.  Are girls no longer able to be close?  Do I spend a lot of time with Cassandra?  Of course, she’s my bestie, I should be allowed to.  So, to set the record straight, No, not a fan of the lady parts, definitely enjoy the other team a bit more.  But even if I did like the ladies, what the eff does it matter?  Cassandra?  Well, at least I’d have good taste.  Quit creepin on facebook and making snap judgements.  If you want to know something, just ask.  Don’t spread rumors just because you think its awesome you queer.  
Okay, back to a constantly avoided topic.  My bf, P.  I don’t name the ones I like, remember.  Although if we’re FB friends, you already know ol Patticakes’ name.  Damnit.  Just gave it away.  Anyway, I’m not talking about this too much.  I don’t talk about the good stuff.  But just know things are going good.  REALLLLL good ;)  Haha. Oh boyyyyyy.  But like any new relationship, you face challenges.  Within the first month, I had three previous flames/boyfriends/”friends” re-enter my life and try to “reconnect”... a couple of which have been mentioned in previous posts so you know that would be interesting.  It was a major test.  Why did they have to test me?  They all KNEW I had a boyfriend.  Slime balls.  That was your first mistake.  I’m not interested in your shenanigans... and I’m a HUGE fan of shenanigans, just not the slimy kind.  You get all sticky and then you have to shower like 15 times to get that shit out.  Ever had slime in your hair?  It’s a bitch to get out.  Not that I’d know.... uhhh... Anyway, I totally triumphed round 1 of assholes trying to eff things up.  I mean, really!?  What were you thinking?  Oh that’s right, you weren’t.  

Furthermore... the drama has seemed to cease in my life as of late.  Only because I am not letting it occur.  It continues to find me, however.  Turns out I was involved in drama with a few girls and I didn’t even know it!  Insecurities and jealousy can really bring out the worst in people.  With that being said, I just ignored it.  Well, I did after a little while.  At first, it really really REALLY bothered me.  I’m a people pleaser.  Not only that, but I LOVE people.  I go out of my way to make others feel comfortable.  Naturally, when girls (yes, multiples... i don’t even know...don’t get me started) bring out the worst in you, you make a decision on whether or not you want to pursue it, or just walk away.  I chose to walk away.  All of the drama surrounded a couple people of whom I’ve disassociated myself from since then.  I know, you must be so proud yet so disappointed at the same time.  Such is the life.  But no worries, there’s still more life to live.    

More great, recent news!
*The roomies are engaged! YAY! So excited for them!!!! Hope you don’t kick me out.  I’m not ready to leave yet.  Please don’t make me, mom!?
*My perfect niece turned one!  WAHOO!!! And she’s walking (or wobbling, not sure which is more accurate) as well as talking.  She is wicked good at saying Hi and No.  Two of the most essential words to know as a lady.  
*My sister, Sarah, is pregnant!  AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I’m stoked.  Being an auntie to mackie has been fantastic.  I can only imagine what kind of ball of wonder my sister will spit out on October 8th.  STOKED.  
To wrap things up, I have to say, life is going pretty great lately.  I finally feel like I’ve got my feel on the ground and my head on my shoulders again (it was touch and go for a while there).  I’ve surrounded myself with amazing people who let me make mistakes and don’t judge me when I came home crying because I got hurt.  The same people have encouraged me to move on and try new things.  
March 10th will be 1 years since J and I separated.  So much has happened in that year.  So so so much pain.  Unwanted pain.  I mean, who really wants pain, unless you’re into S&M (and if that’s the case, then let’s talk ;) ....)  but you need the pain.  It’s necessary.  Tears. Pain. Fear. Drama. Trials. Tests. Uncertainty.’s all imperative, because without it, you could never possibly understand the beauty of simple, pure, old-fashioned love.   

Everyone wants happiness.
No one wants pain.
But you can’t have a rainbow
Without a little rain.’s worth it.  Trust me. 

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