I made a promise to myself today. A promise never to be defeated. In the past, I've notoriously allowed myself to fall into darker days when things didn't go the way I needed them to go. I felt trapped, scared, alone. I would get lost in that feeling. We've all had that feeling.... the one here you're desperate, sad, and uncertain. No one understands you because they aren't you, they haven't lived your life, they haven't cried your tears, nor have they experienced the kind of loss you have. No one knows you like you do. And in our desperate times, we start to believe that no one knows us like the dark side of ourselves. We start to believe that it's in our darkness that the true light of our souls shines through. It's when we're the most honest. It's when we're the most vulnerable. It's when we're truly ourselves.
Bullshit. Yep, I'm calling bullshit on that one... I can, because I wrote it, but also because I've felt it. It's a lie. You don't learn more about yourself when your lonely, you learn more about yourself when you decide what to do with that loneliness. THAT'S when character is built. THAT'S when you decide what kind of life you'll live. THAT'S when you decide your fate. Don't believe me? Fortunately, you don't have to, but your decision to read on is a test of character. It proves that you're really smart, or nosey. Perhaps both? Ah well, who am I to judge? HAHA jk'ing, friends. But really... what we decide to do for ourselves with various situations determines what kind of lives we'll lead.
We all knew someone growing up that came from a broken home. He was the kid that ended up getting into trouble. When you read his name in the paper for a DUI or a drug bust, you weren't surprised. Oh, he came from a rough home... He had a tough upbringing... He doesn't know any better. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. Stop it, don't make excuses. Yes, he probably had a tough life. Perhaps his view of love, parenting, and respect vary from those around him, but that is no friggin reason for him and others like him to be expected to become a ragtag of rejects and losers. Let me tell you why.
At 9-years-old, I made a decision about my character that some adults could never do. I took the most difficult situation and turned it into an opportunity to rise above. Standing in the ashes of my father's selfish decision to destroy the lives of others is the moment I decided to live for myself and not for his conviction. I could have become a victim. I was just a child, my innocence lost forever. I was forced into a position of making adult choices when I was barely even a child. Instead of wearing the victim title, I rose above the ashes, above the demise, and above the path my life was expected to take.
It wasn't easy for anyone. We each dealt with it in our own ways... some turned to alcohol, others turned to drugs, but I turned to writing. Instead of falling on my face, I chose to look up and move on. I'm not saying I'm a superhero or better than the story the preceded mine, however, I just read on facebook all the time about how people make themselves victims based on what someone else did to them and it's so disheartening. If trouble happens in your life that is beyond your control, it's not your fault. The fault is only yours when the jury chimes in on the way you reacted to it. You don't have to be happy or react right away, but don't fake it either, because faking it only harms you more because you're lying to everyone, including yourself. Be honest with yourself, allow yourself to truly feel the emotion you're struggling with, then move on. Don't let it take over your life or that will be the only emotion you'll ever understand.
I feel like I'm counseling. I'm not trying to, I swear. I guess I'm passionate about it because I'm so sick of hearing it. It's deafening. AHHHHH.
That being said... I made a determination for myself yesterday. No more defeat. Don't get me wrong, I'll still fail, very gracefully, I'm sure, but I won't let it defeat me. Lately, I have been failing at this concept. I've let circumstances destroy me. Much of me feels trapped. Not like I did in an unsuccessful marriage, but more like a mouse feels with its tail stuck in a trap. I got myself into this because of choices I had made (eating cheese, obvi), so now I have to either sit here until someone lets me out or chew my tail off... And to be honest, I'm just not THAT hungry...
If you don't know what I'm referencing, we're obviously not that great of friends.... but anyway... I'm pregnant. On June 11th, 2012, I sat on the floor and cried for hours. I couldn't believe it. The crying lasted for nearly 2 months....and let me tell you, these were not happy tears. I was devastated. I did this to myself (figuratively, not literally, you sickos). I'd been extremely responsible with my boyfriend up until that point. It was one moment. ONE NIGHT. ONE TIME. Mama always told me that once is all it took, but no one ever thinks it will happen to them. Well frig, people, it does.
Anyway, I didn't tell anyone for a long while. I could barely process it myself, let alone attempt to process it with others. It wasn't until I saw my little tiny fetus move during my 11 week ultrasound that I believed it to be true. Once my belief set in, shortly thereafter came toleration of this life change. After toleration came like and after like came love. My little tadpole baby totally changed my outlook on life. He helped me to think beyond the right here and think about how beautiful life can be. My little man rescued me. He found me in my trap and showed some compassion toward my poor, little, weak soul and decided that I deserved more. He's the one that set me free... Contrary to what I believed to be truth at the time.
That was 27 weeks ago and I started to lose sight of that. I let a career change that felt empty get the best of me and allowed the progressive weight gain associated with pregnancy depress me. Although I had an incredible fiancé (oh, ps..... he proposed and I said yes. side note) I stopped allowing him to make me happy. I just got down on myself, man. But not anymore. I can't promise it will last forever (just ask me how optimistic I am when little man is here and I'm averaging 3 hours of sleep a night...) but I can say that this decision will change all ways in which I deal with situations in relation to this pregnancy/birth from here on out. I think I'm on the right path again... as I refuse to let negative circumstances, people, or mistakes destroy my outlook on life. Instead, I choose to make the most of them.... or in my case, allow those changes to make the most of me.
Fortunately for me, I have an incredible support team, which I know not every one has. As previously mentioned, I have a kind, sweet, caring fiancé who truly has brought the most incredible joy to my life. I've got one of the best families a girl could ask for. And I have super supportive friends. Now I just need to show that appreciation a little more clearly.
OH and the record, my tail is just fine...it's just a little meatier than it was before. Until next time.... CHOW.