Monday, October 24, 2011

Deal Breakers

Okay, so... I’ve got a confession.  I am sick.  I am tired.  But mostly, I am SICK AND TIRED of being asked ‘WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?’  Umm, hello, nice to meet you.  Because, CLEARLY, if you’re asking me that question, you don’t really know me that well.
I recently had a conversation with my good friend, Cher, about how the majority of people settle down so quick.  They settle with someone they think they can “make it work with”.  MAKE IT WORK? EFF THAT.  I’m awesome.  I’m not lookin for someone to make it work with.  What the hell does that even mean?  
Ahhh. Why can’t people just be real?  I don’t get it.  I must have a disability or something, because I am literally incapable of being anything but what I am and who I am.  This is not the norm, I’ve been told.  Most people act differently at first, try to be whoever the other person wants them to be.  Yeah, I get that to a certain degree, but it seems like this is a trend that lasts weeks, or even months.  Don’t you get tired of being someone else?  Sounds exhausting to me.
I am SO glad I didn’t jump from one thing to another.  I ALMOST did, but looking back now, god am I glad.  Singledom isn’t awful.  Sure, it’s lonely sometimes, but is lonely all bad?  It’s when you’re alone that you learn the most about yourself.  Like, I’m talking authentic realizations.  So, you’ve been scrambling your eggs everyday for the last 6 years.... now you discover, you like overeasy eggs.  You don’t even LIKE scrambled eggs.  They’re too wet and awkward and hang out in mouth awkwardly too long like that creepy religious neighbor who always tries to convert you.  Just leave, please.  Would you have been able to discover that with your partner?  No.  WHY? Because you were stuck in the comfortable world of scrambled eggs.  No challenge there.  Just pop em in the pan, stick a spatula in there and eff em up a bit, then BAM. done.  But overeasy?  Oh, those suckas take effort.  
So, I decided to create a nice list, for those that are curious of DEAL BREAKERS and DEAL MAKERS for ALL of my future relationships.... friendships included.  
Deal Breakers:
  1. Improper grammar.  Their, they’re, there... there’s a difference.  Oh, and spelling too.  Seriously? You can’t even spell “insane” right?  chances are, you’ll annoy the hell outta me.  Sorry, I need a little bit of intellectual stimulation.  I’m not talking rocket science here, just common knowledge, maybe a bit more.
  2. Hoes in different area codes.  If your life resembles lyrics from pretty much any ludacris song = deal breaker.
  3. Baby Mamas. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, however, I’m at the age where I need to start asking “do you have any children?” Because pretty much every one is popping kids out left, right, and center.... but mostly center.  If you’ve got kids, that’s great! Awesome for you!  But I’m not really ready to be anybody’s stepmom.  So, unless there is a reallllyyyyy good reason as to why you have a child/aren’t with said baby mama, that’s currently a deal breaker for me.  
  4. Crazy ass.  Yup, dealt with crazy stalkers that tracked my whereabouts before... and the truth is, I’m still recovering.  Honestly, if you are THAT insecure in yourself and/or our relationship that you have to stalk the livin bejebles out of me.... done. DEAL BREAKER.  

Deal Makers
  1. Hilarious: I’m talking a combination of Adam Sandler (the late 90s Sandler), Chris Farley, Dane Cook (total perv= must), Noah Fielding, and Peter Griffin.  Stacked.   
  2. Confident: Have confidence in who you are and what you’re capable of.  If you don’t believe it, no one else will.  Confidence is the sexiest trait in my book.  If you want something, go for it.  Be as great as you are.      
  3. Challenging: Challenge me.  Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. But mostly physically.  Hahaahahhahaha. But for real.  What good is a partner if they don’t encourage you to be the best you can be?  Isn’t that the point of having a partner in life?  Oh no, that's right.  It's scrambled eggs.  Put your fork down.   
  4. Suave.  If you’ve ever had a REAL conversation with me, you know who my dream man is, Denzel. Mmm.  He’s just so suave, so smooth, so perfect.
Yes, I am aggressive.  That’s a turn on for some, a turn off for others.  Some like submissive girls.  Sorrrrry. Not my style.  I know that I am a damn good wife.  If I love you, I’d do anything for you, not because I have to, but because I want to.  If I love you (yes, I’m talking to YOU), you know my language.  I’m not playing this game.  And those of you that are, what a waste!  Why waste your time, your energy, and your love on someone who isn’t even a good match?  Ahhh. So frustrating.  
So, what happens when you meet someone exactly like you?  Someone who thinks like you, shares the same views religiously and politically, who is on exactly the same page you’re on (even if you’ve skipped a few chapters)?  What happens if you meet someone who challenges you, yet values you?  Someone you share ridiculous inside jokes with but whom you can also share the fears and depths of your soul?  Someone who brings out the best in you.... someone you look forward to hearing from?  What happens then?   
Someday I’ll find someone that loves me for everything I am.  Who knows, maybe I already have? Hmmm.... guess we’ll all find out someday.  But no rush. What is meant to be will always find its way... but you’d be crazy to think that I’m just gonna sit back and assume it's gonna happen.  Silly rabbit.   
The Backstreet Boys called...they asked you to quit playing games with my heart.  Just sayin’.   

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