Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Big "D"

So, everyone's been asking over the last several months about J and I.... are we still together? What happened? Why? Who did it? Was anyone else involved? Where is he? What's going on? .... the questions just keep rolling in... and it's been 6 months now... So, this is the initial reason why I started this blog.  I was going to call it the DIVORCE CHRONICLES (which answers the first question)....but my life doesn't just revolve around divorce.  I mean, yeah... I guess it kinda does... but not JUST the divorce.  What's affecting me now is the consequences of it.  It's scary shit.

I'm not going to answer all the questions... because that's just obnoxious. What I will say is this... J and I are no longer together as of March 2011.  After 8 years of being together, we respectfully and out of love for one another as individuals decided to part ways.  He is an amazing guy that I know will make some woman very happy someday. I honestly can't say many bad things about the guy. We both made decisions that affected our relationship in such a way that continuing on as a married couple was not really an option.  I know of many out there that think otherwise.  But FORGET YOU.  No one knows what happens in a marriage aside from the two that are a part of it.  You may believe what you want to believe and base your judgements off of your "moral standards" or "religious foundation" that marriage is meant to last forever, no matter what.... but you're wrong. Sorry to break it to you.

So, what happened???  In May, I left New Jersey with nothing but the clothes on my back.  I had to get out.  I felt like I was drowning in uncertainty.  I was suffocating.  Scratching. Clawing my way out of a box I had been placed in for years.  I was told to feel, pray, think, believe, and be a certain way that eventually I lost sight of who I really was.  Obviously I made this decision out of free will, but eventually it got to the point that I didn't feel like I had a choice any longer.  I was brain washed to believe things about myself, about my culture, my past, my future...everything... I was made to believe that everything was wrong....

Then one day in March, it all clicked for me.  Like a touch lamp illuminating a dark room with a single stroke, I became enlightened.  The first touch came from two women I worked with at a non-profit organization in New York City.  Two beautiful, strong, independent women working and living in the city who inspired and encouraged me to be true to my native soul and fly free.  To this day, I'm not sure they know how much I appreciated their love and support.
The next flicker of light came from my family.  As mentioned earlier, in May, I got into my car and drove home exactly two years to the day since I had driven away.  It was bittersweet... I had not a single thing to my name, but what I didn't have in material things, my family made up for me with love.  My mother, stepfather, aunts, uncles, cousins, dad, and brothers all showered me with love, adoration and support I had never experienced before in my life.  I can't even count the amount of times I heard "I'm not surprised" when others were told about my "d".  .... how nice.  Couldn't y'all have mentioned that to me FOUR YEARS AGO BEFORE I GOT FRIGGIN MARRIED?! good lord.  Just kidding... kinda.

The final stroke came in June, when I got the job in Belfast, Maine.  Yes. I went from being a contractor for several businesses in New York City to working in Belfast, Maine... where there isn't even a Target within 30 miles. ..... WHAT?!?#@!%$#^#@ Trust me, it didn't make sense to me either... but at the time, I was just looking for a job, any job, that could get me on my feet again.  When I left New Jersey, I left with nothing... not because J was keeping it all from me, but because I needed to start new.  Well guess what friends?  NEW is definitely what I got.  New friends, New job, New area, New roommates, New car, New New New.  It's overwhelming.  AHHHH.  But anyway... my roommate from college got me a job at this cool place, which I won't name, because I dont' wanna get sued if I ever become famous... just sayin'.  Becca is her name... her boyfriend's name is Phil, but I'll call him all kinds of fun things throughout this blog, because Phil is a fungi. hahha. GET IT. okay. lame. whatever. Anyway... I'm like a goldfish tonight, I keep getting distracted.  Becca and Phil not only got me a job, they ALSO let me live with them! Wahooo! Little did they know what they were getting into... good one. hahaha.  But on a serious note, I moved in, started working and let me tell you... not only do I have amazing roommates that put up with a lot of drama and tears (lots of laughs and family dinners too... can't forget all the happy times!) but I have an incredible job.  Well, let me retract that... the job itself isn't really my thing... just ask my clients. hahaha. poor guys.  But the community in which I work within is awesome.  They're great people who support, encourage, and teach one another to be more tolerant, honest, and joyful not only in their professional lives, but also in their personal lives.  I've made some amazing friends here that I know will carry over long after I leave this area, whenever that may be.  And to top it all off, I'm still living with my best friends.  Becca, who has spent hours letting me cry into her arms about everything and nothing all at once.  This girl is remarkable, there truly is no one like her in this world.  Whether we're baking all day, watching scary movies, facebooking each other, or walking across the bridge at night, we always have a great time.  And Phil.  Oh, Phil.  I might as well refer to him as Dr. Phil because he counsels me.  Sad, but true.  Whether we're discussing politics, rap music, or how bad I am at dating, Phil always seems to have an answer.  He's usually right too (but Becca and I don't tell him this...because his head is already inflated as it... haha jk, Phillip!) ...but shhh! seriously... don't let him know.

I also can't forget all the other amazing people that have been so supportive and loving through this all.  Megan. Cassandra. Sierra. Smalls. Ashley. Tiffanie. Dad. Thomas. Alex. Nat. LaToya. Ben. Ann. And not to mention the great friends I've made at work including Alexa, Kyle, Val, Sarah, MN.... Don't know where I'd be without y'all.  Many, many more. I can't name you all, but you know what you do to me ;)

I know this blog post turned into a THANK Y'ALL SPREAD THE LOVE kinda thing...but I did feel like I need to pay some recognition to those that have been so supportive through all this craziness.  And trust I start to actually post what I's gonna get wild.  I know I keep saying that.. but I need some help....


1 comment:

  1. You are strong, amazing, and bad ass! I love it! I am so proud of you and how smart you are. Nobody knows what you need to do for yourself better than you. So you're right, forget the people who nay-say. You rock, so ignore them and keep rocking. And sometimes along the way you're gonna blow an amp, and you might need a new one... I'm not sure I know where I'm going with this...