Oh Boy. I feel like I've been waiting for this day for the last 6 months and it's finally here. D-day...aka Divorce Day. Monday, September 26th, 2011 at 8:30 am, I will stand in front of the courts of Belfast, ME and declare myself legally single. Wow. This is no joke... you'd think I'd be more excited... but it's sad. Signing those papers for the last time will mean I am officially giving up and moving on.
Who am I without him? J has been in my life for 12 years. We were best friends for 4, dated for 4, and married for 4. Moving on in life without him means leaving behind everything we ever built together. Our future plans, the Saint Bernard we almost bought, our "coupled" friends, and the memories, Oh the memories. The road trip to Tennessee with my dad. Chasing tornados in Nashville. Krum, my stuffed cow, showing up everywhere because J would hide him in my stuff. Halo and COD parties with all of J's friends. Just simply laughing and enjoying life. We shared a lot of life together. I know I'm young and I still have a lot of life left to live, but today, I choose to be reflective... because not all of our relationship was bad. And now I have to decide what kind of life I'm going to lead on my own. Will I regress and try to be all that I never could be because I was married? Perhaps a little. But my hope is that I continue on a path of self-discovery that allows me to nurture growth through trials and strength in resilience. I'm learning. But I'm also living.
I've had a couple close friends ask (only a close friend would have the guts enough to ask this) "do you ever blame yourself?" My answer... yes. Of course. Maybe if I wasn't so discontented. Perhaps if I was able to be satisfied with a simple life, I'd still be happily married. But that's not me. Everything about me is complicated. YOU know this, you're reading my blog. You love the drama. Getting back on track... to be completely honest, I really enjoy a challenge. If you challenge me, chances are, we'll be friends. I'm kinda stubborn and overly confident... I flock like a June bug to a screen door (god, I'm so country) to those that challenge me. Bring it on, baby. Knock me down to size and I'll do that same for you. Meow.
Last night, I sat down with "Dr. Phil" and asked him 'Phil, what kind of guy do you think would be good for me?' You wanna know his answer? (Just to show you how intuitive this guy is, and exactly why I call him "Dr. Phil") He told me that I need someone who can make decisions for me. Someone who has a life path loosely defined that involves change and excitement. BAM. GENIUS. DUH. Of course, Philly! He's so smart! (Don't tell him that tho... ballooooon). Where you find these people, I'll never know, but its definitely been an interesting ride so far! (Just ask my best friends who have to hear about all this noise. hahahhahaha)
Well friends, wish me luck. It's been a rough couple of days trying to adjust to the idea of it being official. I mean, its so....what's the word... ah forget it...OFFICIAL, scaaaaaary, final, over....failure. But I'm working through it with the help of amazing roommates, an incredible best friend, wonderful bestie, and awesome BFF. I love y'all. Thank you for teaching me to love myself. XoxoX
My next post will be inspired by my girl, Val. Maybe even a little guest blogging. Gotta start steering away from talking about such heavy stuff.... makes my heart hurt. Let's talk trash! Yeah, that's always fun! Stay tuned amigos.